Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Two Voices

There are two voices inside of my head. They argued everyday, telling me what's right and wrong. They criticized all of the things I've done. Lately, those voices sound even louder than they used to be. Whenever I'm not talking with someone, these voices will make conversations by themselves, most of the time, they never agreed with each other. This is not an imaginary friend, it is clearly just two voices. I'll give you a little example of how these voices talk to each other inside of my mind. They usually commented on everything that just happened to me.

Example: My Lecturer gave me a hard time in college and I was so depressed and have no idea how to deal with it.

Voice 1: Ugh, don't be a wimp. You know you deserved it!
Voice 2: Well, maybe that lecturer didn't have to be so harsh on her. What's wrong with giving a helping hand for their students?
Voice 1: What's wrong? He is not your parents nor your friends. He wouldn't care even if you kill yourself.
Voice 2: But he's a teacher... 
Voice 1: And you're an adult.
Voice 2: What?
Voice 1 : It means you have to be strong to endure any hardships, so maybe that's why he gave you that.
Voice 2: But she already has enough hardships without that lecturer had to be so rude and...
Voice 1: He wouldn't know and he wouldn't care! You're not his kid. He doesn't give a damn about your existence.
Voice 2: You're right, but it is his duty to help students...
Voice 1: Yeah right, no one cares about duty now, just bear with it or kill yourself...
Voice 2: No, dear, Denisa, don't worry. There will be a way...
Voice 1: There won't be. You should help yourself. This world isn't nice
Voice 2: But it doesn't mean you have to lose your kindness...
Voice 1: People need money, not kindness
Voice 2 : ....

And I would hit my head after that because these conversation in my head just seemed to have no end. I literally laughed in irony or cringed sometimes when I heard some of those opinions, tho, like... I'm feel like I'm getting insane. I don't know if it's healthy or not, or is it happen with others? Like you really listen to other voices, but at the same time, you know that you're not really a part of it, but those voices are within your head, so it means they're your own thoughts, but as the same time you know it isn't you, or it is too rude and bitchy (that voice 1 always talks like a senior who loves to bully other), or too kind, to be you. 

You know what I mean?

2 komentar:

Vave Cherry said...

Well.... In my case, I have 4 voices :D They all act differently, but one thing for sure: they want the best for me in their own ways! (I even started naming them lol ) The first one, I call her nina. Nina is a good girl that know whats the right thing to do, and how to do it in the right way. While not torturing myself. She is the most caring and understanding. The second one, I call her betty. Betty is pretty similiar with your 'voice 2', she is righteous and know what is the right thing to do, however she is not that understanding toward me. She cares more to the people arround me (which is good and bad in some ways hahaa) The third voice is lyla. She has a sweet heart and cares a lot to peoples around me. However, she is too naive and sometimes her ways of giving advice could be wrong. And the last voice is ratri, ratri is like the bad sides of myself piles up into one. She only cares about me feeling good for the time being. She doesn't give a single care to other things that disturb me, or makes me feel hurt (although we need it most of the times to be stronger) and she is very rude to other people. Well, although they are not exactly 'me' but I know they are also a part of me! I think it's not weird to have them in your heads, as long as they are helping you! In my case, I listen to all of their ways of thinking, but in the end I always do what nina asks me to. Because she knows what best for me and for people around me, and she is also very understanding when giving me advice. In your case, maybe you should make your first voice became more like nina (I mean, yeah she wants the best for you, but don't make her become too self-centered and instead, make her more understanding toward other's situation too!) while not making your second voice too harsh towards you! Hahaa sorry for the long rants :"D I hope it helps a little╰(*´︶`*)╯♡
// from your fellow HSJ fans that found this page from dreamer's translation lol//

Denisa P. Rosandria said...

Dear Vave,
Thank you so much for the kind words and the time you gave to read this absurd post. Yeah, I believe people have more than just one shades in them, and I learn that some parts of me aren't angel, and some other parts tried to keep me strong. I guess I have now learned to accept to see things the way they are and accept that the world is cruel, but it is beautiful too. I just wish I could bear with it and I wish I could listen to the right voice. I'm glad that you enjoyed the translation :"D

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