Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Manazashi - Honey L Days (Lyrics and English Translation)

I watched Jdrama Tumbling again few days ago and now it kinda becomes a drama that I keep repeating whenever I want to watch a good story. I remember watching it few years ago and I remember it left a great impression in me, but I don't remember why. Lately, after I finished two episodes of Jdrama Voice and Ourobros, I felt the need to watch something lighter and fun, but I don't want to watch something new because I'm afraid it will be good and I ended up can't stop it, so I picked Tumbling because I've watched it. Well, it turns out that I forgot so many things and it ended up felt new to me and I became obsessed with how great it was πŸ˜‚ 

I especially love the theme song they used because it fits the story and it fits me so well. This song speaks to me on spiritual level and that's why I have to put it here because this song truly encouraged me πŸ’š 

Listen to the song below with some awesome clips from Tumbling 😁

Artist: Honey L Days
Song Title: γΎγͺざし (Manazashi; Outlook)
Single: Manazashi
Track Number: 1
Released: 2010
Lyrics By: KYOHEI & herOism



Kudara nee to haki sutete mo
They say I'm worthless,
Kawarenai jibun ga iru
and I'm determined to never change, I am here.
Kao o agete fumidasu shikanain da
I can do nothing more than lift my head and move forward
To wakatteru kedo
I understand that though

Gomakase nai no wa kuyashisa no namida
Shedding tears of regret, I cannot lie,
Jamasase nai kara oretachi no ashita
Because our tomorrow won't be disturbed.
Tsuyoku tsuyoku takaku toberu hazu sa
Strongly, strongly, highly, I will fly,
Saidai ni jimen keri agete
Kicking off from the ground completely.

Zutto
Forever
Oikakete oikakete
I'll chase, I'll chase
Hitasura ni kono yume o
this dream diligently.
Oogesa na chizu wa iranai
I don't need a big map.
Kakedashite kakedashite
Rushing, rushing,
Massugu ni michi naki michi o
I'll travel a road without a trail
Gamushara na manazashi o
with a reckless outlook,
Ashita e
towards tomorrow.

Nasake nee to iware nakute mo
They said merciless things,
Kizuiteru jibun ga ita
and I knew it, I was there.
Magetaku nai kokoro dake ga
My heart won't bend the outlook
Ashita o tsunagu manazashi
it has connected to tomorrow.

Ari no mama ikite omoishiru yowasa
Living as I realize my weaknesses,
Akirame nai koto shinji nuku koto
I won't give up, I will believe.
Tsuyoku tsuyoku takaku toberu hazu sa
Strongly, strongly, highly, I will fly,
Nando mo jimen keri agete
Kicking off from the ground repeatedly.

Zutto
Forever,
Oikakete oikakete
I'll chase, I'll chase
Hitasura ni kono yume o
This dream diligently.
Tomedonai kibou o mune ni
The hope in my heart is endless.
Kakedashite kakedashite
Rushing, rushing,
Massugu ni michi naki michi o
I'll travel a road without a trail,
Yuzurenai manazashi o
Never surrendering my outlook,
Ashita e
Towards tomorrow

Mayoi kurushimi sutesaru nara
If I abandon the confusing pain
Ashita wa nai kara
Because there's no tomorrow,
Tatoe donna konnan ga michi o tozashite mo
No matter what difficulties may block my path,
Itsuka wa itsuka wa mugen no sora o koete...
Someday, someday I'll cross that endless sky...

Zutto
Forever,
Oikakete oikakete
I'll chase, I'll chase
Hitasura ni kono yume o
This dream diligently.
Oogesa na chizu wa iranai
I don't need a big map.
kakedashite kakedashite
Rushing, rushing,
Massugu ni michi naki michi o
I'll travel a road without a trail
Gamushara na manazashi o
With a reckless outlook.

Zutto
Forever,
Oikakete oikakete
I'll chase, I'll chase
Hitasura ni kono yume o
This dream diligently.
Oogesa na chizu wa iranai
I don't need a big map.
Kakedashite kakedashite
Rushing, rushing,
Massugu ni michi naki michi o
I'll travel a road without a trail
Gamushara na manazashi o
With a reckless outlook,
Ashita e
Towards tomorrow.

English Translation by https://musicbox-trans.livejournal.com/

Monday, December 11, 2017

My Asian Drama List

Here's the new updated list of my Asian Drama / Movie list (Japan, Korea, Taiwan) with my rating on each of them. I also link some titles to my personal review in case you're interested. Maybe it could help you find a good drama to watch in your spare time.

5 ❤s : It's a drama I can watch over and over again because it won me over with its story, casts, soundtrack, and everything.
4 ❤s : The drama was thoroughly entertaining and great but lack just one or two things, for example: it will be better with one more episode, or with more character development for one certain character. Or for some suspense / psychology drama, it could have added a bit more happiness and lessen the darkness a bit πŸ˜‚
3 ❤s : The drama was enjoyable but that's it. I will probably repeat in once or twice in the future when I have nothing to do and too lazy to find new titles πŸ˜‚
2s : The drama was average or fine, but not a kind of drama I will remember. There's potential that it will get better, but I usually ended up disappointed 😌
1 ❤ : It's just bad. The only reason I finished it was probably because I like the casts but I probably skip a lot of things πŸ˜“

Currently Watching:
Voice (Jdrama) - This was recommended by my friend, Adhya. I've only getting started, but I already like the mystery plot in it. I never like blood but I don't know why, I always enjoyed suspense drama πŸ˜‚
Okitegami Kyoko no Biboroku - Another detective drama, this time it's about a female detective who has weird illness, she will forget everything the next day after she wakes up (like 500 First Date) so she has to solve the case in one day. It has some romance too and Masaki Okada and Yui Aragaki look beautiful together πŸ˜…

Finished Japanese Drama
Comedy Romance:


Hana Yori Dango 1 - ❤❤❤❤❤
Hana Yori Dango 2 - ❤❤❤❤❤
Nodame Cantabile - ❤❤❤❤
Share House no Koibito - ❤❤
Switch Girl 1 & 2 - ❤❤❤❤
Hanazakari no Kimitachi E (2007) - ❤❤❤❤❤
Itazura Na Kiss 1996 - ❤❤❤
Yamada-kun and The 7 Witches - ❤❤❤
Ikemen Desu Ne - ❤❤❤❤
5-Ji Kara 9-Ji Made - ❤❤❤❤
Hungry! ❤❤❤
Mei-chan no Shitsuji - ❤❤❤
Lovely Complex (SP) - ❤❤❤
Otomen - ❤❤❤

Heartwarming Romance:



Proposal Daisakusen - ❤❤❤❤❤
Rich Man, Poor Woman - ❤❤❤❤
Sprout - ❤❤❤
Natsu no Koi wa Nijiiro ni Kagayaku - ❤❤❤
Zenkai Girl - ❤❤❤❤❤
Smile - ❤❤
MARS - Tada, Kimi wo Aishiteru - ❤❤❤
Kimi wa Petto - ❤❤❤

(Absurd) Comedy:


Ouran High School Host Club - ❤❤❤❤
Atashinchi no Danshi - ❤❤❤❤❤
Yamada Taro Monogatari - ❤❤❤
My Boss My Hero - ❤❤❤❤
Risou no Musuko - ❤❤❤
Samurai Sensei - ❤❤❤❤

School / Friendship :


Gakkou no Kaidan - ❤❤❤
Nobuta wo Produce - ❤❤❤❤❤
Suikyuu Yankees - ❤❤❤❤
Hammer Session - ❤❤❤
Tumbling - ❤❤❤❤❤
Kinpachi Sensei Season 7 - ❤❤❤❤❤
Kinpachi Sensei SP Final - ❤❤❤❤
Jigoku Sensei wo Nube - ❤❤❤
Dragon Sakura - ❤❤❤❤❤
Gokusen - ❤❤❤❤❤
Gokusen SP : Yankumi's Tearful Graduation - ❤❤❤❤❤ 
Gokusen 2 - ❤❤❤
Gokusen 3 - ❤❤❤❤
Gokusen 3 SP : Graduation Special - ❤❤❤❤
35-Sai no Koukousei - ❤❤
Great Teacher Onizuka 2012 - ❤❤❤
Scrap Teacher - ❤❤❤
Stand Up! - ❤❤
Shiritsu Bakaleya Koukou - ❤❤
Samurai High - ❤❤❤

Illness / Tragedy / Family:


One Litre of Tears - ❤❤❤❤❤
Algernon ni Hanabata - ❤❤❤❤
Boku no Ita Jikan - ❤❤❤❤❤
Taiyou no Uta - ❤❤❤❤
My Girl - ❤❤❤
Saikou no Jinsei no Owarikata - ❤❤❤

Suspense / Mystery / Psychology / Detective:


Kurosagi - ❤❤❤
Houkago wa Mystery to Tomo ni - ❤❤❤
Saki - ❤❤❤❤
Last Friends - ❤❤❤❤❤
Hidarime Tantei EYE SP - ❤❤❤
Hidarime Tantei EYE - ❤❤❤❤
Orthros no Inu - ❤❤❤❤
Tantei Gakuen Q - ❤❤❤❤❤
Deka Wanko - ❤❤❤
Death Note 2015 - ❤❤❤❤
Kindaichi Shonen no Jikenbo - Lost in Kowloon (SP) - ❤❤❤
Kindaichi Shonen no Jikenbo - Gokumon Juku Satsujin Jiken (SP) - ❤❤❤
Kindaichi Shonen no Jikenbo NEO - ❤❤❤❤
Detective Conan - Shinichi Kudo's Written Challenge (SP) - ❤❤❤❤
Detective Conan - Shinichi Kudo Returns: Showdown with The Black Organisation (SP) - ❤❤❤
Detective Conan - Shinichi Kudo: The Mystery of Legendary Strange Bird (SP) - ❤❤❤
Detective Conan - Shinichi Kudo and the Kyoto Shinshengumi Murder Case (SP) - ❤❤❤❤
Detective Conan - Shinichi Kudo's Written Challenge (TV Series) - ❤❤❤
Cain and Abel - ❤❤❤
Toshi Densetsu no Onna 1 & 2 - ❤❤❤

Finished Korean Drama:


Full House - ❤❤❤
Princess Hours - ❤❤❤❤
Prince Hours - ❤❤❤
You're Beautiful - ❤❤❤
Descendants of the Sun - ❤❤❤❤❤
Sassy Girl Chun-Hyang - ❤❤❤❤❤
My Girl - ❤❤❤
Coffee Prince - ❤❤❤
Boys Before Flowers - ❤❤
Playful Kiss - ❤❤
Endless Love - ❤❤❤❤❤
Winter Sonata - ❤❤❤
My Love From the Star - ❤❤❤❤❤
Hotelier - ❤❤❤

Finished Taiwan Drama


Meteor Garden 1 - ❤❤❤❤
Meteor Garden 2 - ❤❤
Meteor Rain - Xi Men's Story - ❤❤❤❤
Marmalade Boy - ❤❤❤
Devil Beside You - ❤❤❤❤❤
MARS - ❤❤❤❤❤
100% Senorita - ❤❤❤❤
It Started with a Kiss- ❤❤❤
They Kissed Again - ❤❤❤
The Magicians of Love - ❤❤❤
At the Dolphin Bay - ❤❤❤
Silence - ❤❤❤

MOVIES


Isshuukan Friends / One Week Friends - ❤❤❤❤❤
Raintree no Kuni - ❤❤❤❤❤
Pink and Gray - ❤❤❤❤
P to JK - ❤❤
Kimi ni Todoke - ❤❤❤❤
Gokusen the Movie - ❤❤❤❤
Hana Yori Dango Final - ❤❤❤❤
One Litre of Tears - ❤❤❤❤
Assasination Classroom Live Action - ❤❤❤
Attack on Titan Live Action - ❤❤
Koizora - ❤❤❤❤
MARS - Tada, Kimi wo Aishiteru Final - ❤❤❤❤
Peach Girl - ❤❤❤
Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac - ❤❤❤❤❤
Kinkyori Renai - ❤❤❤
Kurosaki-kun no Iinari ni Nante Naranai - ❤❤❤
Our Meal For Tomorrow - ❤❤❤
Ouran High School Host Club The Movie - ❤❤❤
Sukiite Ii Nayo - ❤❤
Tokyo Ghoul Live Action - ❤❤❤❤
Gintama Live Action - ❤❤❤❤
Harmony (Korean Movie) - ❤❤❤❤❤

Well, apparently I've watched so many Asian dramas since I was a kid, and I haven't even count the anime, and yet there are people who watch even more dramas than me πŸ˜‚ Anyway, no drama got 1 ❤, not sure if it's because I'm too nice to rate them that low, but I think that's because no matter how bad an Asian drama is, I can always find something that I learn from each episode, especially Japanese drama. Even the most boring Jdrama I watched can actually taught me a lesson about real life which we all can relate to.

Oh well, maybe I'm just bias with Asian drama πŸ˜‚

Monday, November 27, 2017

Orang yang Berharga

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Ada masa dimana aku begitu terpesona dengan kata sahabat. Kemudian, entah karena terpengaruh kisah di film atau novel, aku merasa bahwa sahabat itu adalah orang-orang tertentu yang paling memahami diriku dan setia mengiringiku dalam sulit dan senangku. Lalu, aku memasuki masa dimana aku tak lagi mempercayai kata sahabat. Itu adalah masa tersuram, aku begitu tersesat dan membenci segala hal. 

Tak ada yang perduli. Tak ada yang mengerti. Tak ada yang bersedia memahami. Aku hanya sendirian di dunia ini.

Begitu besarnya kesedihan menutupi hatiku, aku tak mampu melihat kebaikan orang-orang di sekitarku. Seiring berjalannya waktu, aku sadar, 'sahabat' itu hanyalah label yang kita berikan kepada orang-orang tertentu yang juga harus memberikan label yang sama pada diri kita. Mungkin karena itu juga, aku beberapa kali merasa kecewa.

Bukankah dia sahabatku? Kenapa dia tidak peka terhadap kesedihanku? Kenapa dia tidak memahamiku?

Padahal sebuah hubungan yang tulus tidak membutuhkan label apapun. Tanpa harus berkali-kali kita sebutkan, kita tahu bahwa orang itu berharga bagi kita. Apakah orang itu menganggap kita sama berharganya, tidaklah penting bukan? Hidup ini terus berjalan, akan ada masa dimana orang-orang tertentu tak mampu lagi untuk selalu ada bagi kita. Lalu, apakah itu berarti kita dapat dengan mudah mencopot label sahabat dari mereka? Daripada berpikir dan meminta agar mereka mau memahami, kenapa bukan aku yang belajar memahami?

Mereka bukanlah sahabat, mereka adalah orang yang berharga bagiku. Mereka mungkin tak mampu untuk selalu ada, tapi ada masa dimana mereka pernah berusaha sekuat tenaga untuk kepentinganku. Ini bukan kisah fiksi dimana ketika kita terpuruk dan putus asa, akan ada sahabat sejati yang senantiasa menolong. Terkadang, kita harus menghadapi segala cobaan tanpa bergantung pada orang lain selain pada Tuhan. Daripada mempertanyakan apa nilai dan makna orang lain dalam hidup kita, bukankah kita seharusnya berusaha memberikan makna dalam kehidupan orang-orang di sekitar kita?

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Raintree no Kuni / The Land of Rain Trees (J-Movie)


Salam...

It's been a while since the last time I wrote a review for movie / drama / book, but this morning (I'm writing this at 6.30 AM btw) after I finished watching Raintree no Kuni, I felt the need to write something about it. So I did. I wrote a short (not really) review on my Instagram, but I still feel the need to write more on this blog. Is this movie really that good or am I just easily impressed? Well, not all movies / dramas / books made me this excited to review them, which means, this movie really left a great impression at least for me personally. Although I didn't have any expectations when I first found it, and the synopsis that I read on AsianWiki don't even sound interesting. But it turns out to exceed my expectation πŸ˜‚ Okay now without further ado, let's get to the story. Warning: There will be some spoilers!

GIF by literallyadramaqueen on Tumblr
A Cyber Space Friendship
Raintree no Kuni was released in November 2015, starring Yuta Tamamori and Mariya Nishiuchi. It tells a story of Nobuyuki Sakisaka (Yuta Tamamori), a salary man, a kind of guy we often meet in society, an ordinary guy who we can all relate. One day, Nobu lost the last volume of Fairy Games novel series which he hasn't read in so long. He forgot how the series ended and urged by his curiosity, he looked for the details of Fairy Games ending on Internet. He stumbled into a blog named Raintree no Kuni / The Land of Rain Trees. The author of that blog wrote her opinions and impression towards the ending of Fairy Games Novel

"The Fairy Games that I loved had become books I couldn't possibly read again. It also becomes book I'd never forget. It stuck deeply, like a thorn rooted inside of me. But as I grew up, 'so long as love exists, such a thing is a lie...' I understand what this line means. People can't just live by mincing words alone. Sacrifice oneself for loved one is not possible..."

Those words from Raintree no Kuni blog author caught Nobu's interest and made him remember that he also felt disappointed with the bittersweet ending of Fairy Games novel, although his disappointment was based of a different reason. Due to his interest in that author's opinion, Nobu accidentally sent her an email which contains his own opinion regarding Fairy Games novel.

"I, too, was blown away when I read the ending. But, it wasn't because of a feeling of rejection from something you loved, as you described. More to say, it was a beginning of my life that I needed to keep pushing at the powerlessness..."

The author of Raintree no Kuni blog is a woman named Rika Hitomi (Mariya Nishiuchi). Nobu and Rika started communicating with each other through email, they discussed their point of view about Fairy Games novel and they both became so invested in it. This is one of things that I like from this movie, the two main protagonist were connected through their similar interest in the same book, and discuss it together in cyber space while slowly develop a friendship. I mean, I can relate to them on spiritual level. The never ending talk on social media about things we both loved. Oh, I remember all the good old days πŸ˜‚

GIF by nishiuchi on Tumblr
The First Date
Back to the story with some more spoilers: after intensely communicating through social media, Nobu becomes more curious about Rika and wants to meet her in person. But Rika refused his invitation to meet up on a blind date, saying that she isn't confident with her look. But feeling Nobu's sincerity in their conversation, she finally agreed to meet him. They both met up in a book store. This is one of the most painful and awkward scenes to watch 'though, since their first date didn't go as smooth as a love story in Fanfiction πŸ˜‚

GIF by literallyadramaqueen on Tumblr
Rika is actually a beautiful woman, 'though her long hair covered  most of her ears and face and her outfits look plain and dull. Rika is also a very shy and reserved person, but despite of those shy behaviors, Rika is unexpectedly a very demanding person, Rika kinda forced Nobu to fulfill her preferences, be it a movie which has to be a foreign movie with subtitle, and restaurant which needs to have more quite environment, and what made Nobu even more annoyed is when Rika didn't move from the elevator they both just got in although the alarm has ring, the sign that the elevator is overweight. Nobu who always speaks what's on his mind bluntly then told Rika that he was disappointed with Rika's attitude. At the same time, he found out that Rika wore a hearing aid and the fact that she is actually deaf. All this time, Rika has been reading Nobu's lips to understand what he said. Rika regretted her act and apologize to Nobu, and decided to end their relationship at the end of that very first date.

GIF by Kisumaiyan on Tumblr
After Nobu found out the truth about Rika, he regretted his action and angers towards her. Although Rika has ended their relationship after the first date, Nobu determined to learn more about Deaf people and do a revenge date with Rika as his apology and to fix the first date which ended up in disaster. Rika didnt't accept his invitation though, she was afraid she would disappoint him again and she doesn't have enough confidence in herself, but Nobu's effort and dedication in learning more about Deafness to make Rika let him enter her world once again moved Rika's heart. No one has ever cared that much about her except her parents. Is what Nobu felt was a mere sympathy? Or is it a sincere kindness? Slowly, Nobu who never hesitate to speak anything straightforwardly learn the value of words that Rika trying to say in all her limitations.

A Heartwarming (Love) Story
GIF by nishiuchi on Tumblr
I found many interesting points which made this movie left such a great impression in me. A relationship which started from cyber world and exchanging letters, their similar interest towards the same novel, how important it is for an introvert or anti social people to have a place to let out his thoughts (blog, book, etc), and how much an act of kindness and willingness from someone to try to empathize with other people's sorrows. Although we won't be able to fully understand someone's pain because we never stand in their shoes or face the same suffering as theirs, if we genuinely try to learn to be understanding, it could give a great influence and help people who have big insecurity like Rika to be stronger. I like Nobu's personality, he was so ordinary yet very easy to relate, we can easily have the same opinions and angers as him and sometimes being bitter about life, but he still choose kindness and follow his heart. This movie offers such amazing values that is more than just romance, it's not just a love story between the Introvert and the Extrovert. It taught us about the difficulties that People with Disability (PwD) have to face every day, and in this case, it's not someone who is born disable but lost one of her ability due to an accident, which completely changed her life and affected her confidence. This movie tells us that love is not about sacrifice. Love is about kindness. And kindness comes in many forms. 


Overall a great story and I rated it 9 / 10 because I can relate to it on spiritual level. Mariya Nishiuchi is amazing as always, but it's been a while since I watched Yuta Tamamori's acting. His natural portrayal as Nobu surprised me and exceeded my expectation. I will definitely look for more of his works. 😊 

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

I Won't Lose

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

The thoughts of committing suicide always lies somewhere inside of my head. I even tried to do it before, but my religion saved me. I buried those thoughts as deep as possible but for some reasons, they always find a way to come to the surface again, whenever something terrible happened to me. I have so many awful thoughts in mind. These awful thoughts always managed to control my feelings somehow.

I never ask to be born. If I knew life would be this hard, people would be this evil, and I would be this weak, I would have beg for God to never let me born in this world. Still... there are some beautiful things too in this life, but usually they don't last long. I'm always worried whenever I have a fine beautiful day 'cause darkness somehow always find its way to ruin it in the end. Tomorrow won't be as good as today, so don't let yourself be overwhelmed with happiness. It will hurt so much once it's ruined. That's what I keep telling myself.

I wish I could talk about my fears with someone. I wish I could have a place where I could pour my sorrows. But I don't have that kind of person or place in my life. And why should I share those terrible things and burden others with my own problems? Maybe it's fair, this way, I can only talk to God. I don't even need to tell Him in details. He knows everything.

I wonder... For how many days would I be able to survive? How long would I be able to shut down those terrible thoughts? Will I be free from these expectations of everyone? Will I be able to defeat this demon within me completely someday? Will I survive those suicide thoughts next time? I don't know. But I know one thing... My fear of Hell and God is bigger than my fear for this world. This world is already like Hell so I would like to have a chance to enter Paradise at least. If I ever lose to this suicide thought, then I will lose the chance to enter Paradise forever. So... I have no choice but to keep fighting and moving forward. Mikasa Ackerman said that this world is cruel but it's undeniably beautiful too. I won't lose to my demon.


"Jika hidup harus berputar... biarlah berputar. Akan ada harapan sekali lagi seperti dulu..."
And Sheila on 7 saved me once again too. What a random ending lol

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Hidup tanpa Handphone

Assalamualaikum Wr. Wb.

It's been more than two weeks since my cellphone's broke and I'm too broke to fix it. Oh well...

Awalnya, hidup tanpa Handphone terasa menyebalkan. Nggak bisa buka Instagram dan menghabiskan waktu berharga hanya untuk scrolling feed. Nggak bisa buka Twitter dan melihat update terbaru dari artis-artis Jepang favorit. Nggak bisa buka YouTube di tengah malam unuk nonton reaction video Attack on Titan terbaru (lagi obsessed banget nonton orang-orang shock jiwa pas nonton episode pertamanya wkwk), nggak punya pengalih perhatian saat harus menunggu di tempat umum, nggak bisa menghubungi teman-teman atau keluarga saat ada keperluan yang darurat... Selama tiga hari hidup terasa sangat menyebalkan dan hampa.

Iya... hanya tiga hari. 

Hanya tiga hari waktu yang aku butuhkan untuk terbiasa dan dapat menikmati hidup tanpa Handphone. Ketika akhirnya aku bisa membuka berbagai social media itu lagi melalui Handphone Mama atau saudaraku, aku malah bingung. Apa yang menarik disini? Apa yang ingin aku lihat? Entah karena menggunakan Handphone yang berbeda atau karena sudah mulai terbiasa, aku tak lagi menemukan kesenangan yang berlebih dalam menggunakan Handphone. Satu-satunya yang kusesalkan adalah tak bisa membuka WhatsApp karena disitulah aku paling sering berkomunikasi dengan teman-temanku.

Meski tidak lagi mampu melihat berita terbaru dari teman-teman sepanjang waktu, aku merasa lebih mampu menjalani hidup dengan nyata, merasa lebih seperti manusia. Aku menonton konser Sheila on 7 dengan penuh semangat, tak ada kekecewaan karena tak harus mengabadikan moment yang bagus, tak ada keinginan untuk memotret bapak-bapak Yogyakarta itu demi dapat membaginya di social media, yang ada hanya ingin bernyanyi dan berteriak-teriak sepanjang lagu, menikmati waktu.

Tentu saja aku masih sangat memerlukan Handphone untuk bekerja dan berkomunikasi, tapi aku merasa hidup sedikit lebih menyenangkan ketika aku tidak harus terpaku pada apa yang ada di layar Handphone. Hal yang sekarang sepertinya sudah mendarah daging di kehidupan kita. Aku bersyukur tidak lagi menjadi bagian dari barisan orang di kereta yang semuanya menatap Handphone seperti zombie. Aku bisa membaca lebih banyak buku (dan manga!!) dan menghargai waktu bersama orang-orang terdekat ketika aku akhirnya bertemu mereka.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb. 

Friday, November 10, 2017

Merekam Kesedihan

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Aku sering diberitahu bahwa kita tidak perlu memberitahukan masalah atau kesedihan kita kepada orang lain karena self-pity bukanlah hal yang baik untuk dibagi. Selain hal tersebut tidak membawa kebaikan bagi orang lain, hal tersebut juga merusak citra diri kita sebagai orang yang senantiasa tidak bersyukur hanya karena satu atau dua cobaan...

Ada masa dimana aku setuju dengan pendapat tersebut dan akhirnya berhenti membagi terlalu banyak kesedihan ku kepada siapapun. Aku juga berhenti menulis keresahanku di blog atau social media, karena tidak ingin membagi sesuatu yang hanya meresahkan orang lain atau membuat kesal orang lain.

Aku menyadari suatu perubahan seiring dengan diriku yang semakin menutup diri dari orang lain. Ketika aku menengok kembali ke sebuah kertas berisi kesan dan pesan dari teman-teman SMP-SMA ku, ada keceriaan, sosok yang selalu bawel, penuh semangat, dan berani menggapai tantangan di diriku yang lama. Kemudian ketika aku membaca kesan dari teman-temanku yang sekarang, aku hampir tak melihat sisi-sisi tersebut di dalamnya. Aku berubah. 

Apakah ini adalah perubahan yang baik? Aku tidak tahu. Tapi, aku tahu bahwa rasa sakit di dalam diriku membesar seiring dengan diriku yang tak pernah berbagi pada siapapun lagi. Oleh karena itu, menuliskannya di dalam blog terkadang memberikan suatu kelegaan, kebebasan, karena aku dapat mengeluarkan beban hatiku. Namun, aku akhirnya juga berhenti menulis.

Padahal dengan menuliskan keresahan dan kesedihankulah, aku jadi mampu melihat masalahku dari sudut pandang yang baru. Melalui menulis, aku dapat melihat hal positif dari kesedihan seperti apapun. Padahal dengan membaca rekaman kesedihan yang pernah kualami, aku dapat lebih bersyukur karena mampu melewatinya. Aku mungkin akan terus bertemu dengan kesedihan selama aku hidup, tapi aku juga akan selalu mengingat masa dimana aku mampu mengalahkannya. 

Aku tidak bisa kembali ke diriku yang lama, aku tak lagi mampu mengizinkan siapapun dengan mudah memasuki duniaku. Tapi, jika aku bisa perlahan mengurangi beban dalam hatiku dengan menuliskannya, maka itulah yang akan kulakukan. Aku tak perduli lagi dengan pendapat orang. Self-pity isn't cool nor bring good to others. I agree. Tapi, menulis dan merekam kesedihan bukanlah self-pity. Ia adalah self-healing, self-encouragement, hal yang membuatku merasa lebih baik. Ini adalah hidupku dan setiap orang memiliki caranya untuk mengatasi kesedihan. Bagiku, merekam kesedihan, menulis keresahan, adalah hal yang dapat memberikan penyembuhan dan membuatku mempelajari kesedihanku dengan lebih baik.

Wassalamualaikum, Wr. Wb.

Monday, November 6, 2017

Jobless + Social Anxiety

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Putus asa karena uang adalah hal yang sepertinya sangat sering terjadi di dalam kehidupan. Ini adalah pelajaran bahwa menabung selagi muda itu penting, dan mengasah skill agar dapat memiliki nilai di dunia bekerja adalah kewajiban untuk bisa bertahan hidup. Hal-hal yang sepertinya cukup sulit bagi diriku karena aku selalu merasa sangat average, in everything I do, even when I try to do my best at it. Oleh karena itulah, masalah pendapatan dan pekerjaan menjadi salah satu masalah yang sangat krusial bagiku. Terutama ketika aku memiliki social anxiety yang tinggi dan sifat introvert yang kuat, hal tersebut seringkali menjadi penyebab aku tak bisa sepenuhnya menjalani pekerjaanku dengan baik. Selalu ada ketakutan dan keraguan, dan tekanan untuk bisa bersikap sama asiknya dengan yang lain. Bukan pertama kalinya aku diberitahu untuk bisa lebih banyak bicara dan bergaul

Uang adalah sumber kebahagiaan sekaligus sumber kesengsaraan di dunia ini. Bagi mereka yang berkecukupan, uang adalah hal yang dapat memenuhi tidak hanya kebutuhan, tapi juga keinginan. Bagi mereka yang kekurangan, uang adalah keajaiban karena jarang ia dapat memenuhi keinginan, dan begitu bersyukur ketika ia dapat memenuhi kebutuhan.

Hidup dalam keadaan dimana aku belum memiliki pekerjaan tetap, sedangkan pengeluaran semakin membengkak, kadang membuatku merasa putus asa. Aneh memang. Aku justru memiliki pekerjaan dengan gaji tetap ketika keluarga ku dulu memiliki pondasi keuangan yang kuat. Sekarang, ketika keluarga ku sedang sangat membutuhkan support materialistik, aku justru belum bisa membantu banyak. Hanya Ibu dan Kakakku yang sekarang memiliki pendapatan tetap untuk membantu mengurus segala pengeluaran. Aku paling hanya bisa menyumbang tidak ada setengah persen nya.

Mencari pekerjaan di Jakarta sungguh bukanlah hal yang mudah bagi seseorang dengan social anxiety seperti aku. Kadang aku bahkan tidak berani menagih gaji yang menjadi hak ku dari seorang boss freelance hanya karena rasa tidak enak. Terdengar bodoh bagi kebanyakan, namun inilah yang namanya social anxiety, rasa takut terhadap hal-hal yang tidak perlu begitu menumpuk di dalam diri, dan tak banyak yang memahami hal itu. Yang mereka tahu adalah, "Pemalu dan pendiam itu nggak asik buat kerjasama atau nongkrong bareng." And even I agree with them. Aku merasa seandainya aku tidak punya penyakit ini dan sifat ini, mungkin segalanya akan jauh lebih mudah. 

Mungkin aku harus sekolah kepribadian. Mungkin aku harus tinggal di hutan. Mungkin aku harus jual ginjal. Pikiran-pikiran seperti itu terus saja menghantuiku. Kadang aku berpikir, manusia tidak akan pernah ingin dilahirkan ke dunia kalau tahu susahnya seperti ini. Tapi, hey, aku sudah terlahir. Paling tidak aku harus bisa bertahan hidup. Meski sedikit. Meski perlahan. Meski semua terlihat sia-sia, selama napas itu masih ada, berarti Yang Kuasa masih percaya, kalau kamu bisa. Jika Ia percaya sudah cukup untuk dirimu mempercayai dirimu sendiri, bukan?

Yah, aku merasa dalam tulisan penuh keputusasaan ini, aku paling tidak harus tetap memasukkan pesan positif. Meski sesungguhnya, hati ini masih dipenuhi kesedihan karena merasa tidak mampu. Tapi semoga orang yang membaca dapat mempelajari sesuatu dan tidak menjadi seperti aku. Punya social anxiety itu nggak enak, tidak ada yang istimewa dari memiliki penyakit mental, you fight with yourself everyday and sometimes you can no longer tell what's bad or good. Minimnya pemahaman masyarakat terhadapnya juga menyebabkan tindak bullying yang tidak disadari. Jadi, jangan sampai kamu, temanmu, anakmu, saudaramu, terperangkap di dalamnya. 

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Rantai dan Teman Lama

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Kadang aku merasa… sepertinya masa lalu memasang sebuah rantai yang besar di kakiku sehingga sangat sulit untuk melangkah dan pergi meninggalkannya. Kenangan masa lalu masih terus membuatku menitikkan air mata. Aku masih terus dibayangi oleh kata-kata “Seandainya…”

Memasuki usia 25 tahun, seakan waktu ingin memburuku agar menyegerakan segala hal. Menikah. Bekerja. Menikah. Bekerja. Menikah. Menikah. Menikah…. Sambil ia menjabarkan segala alasan logisnya tentang kenapa aku harus menyegerakan semua hal ini. Bagi seorang Introvert dengan social anxiety sepertiku, sebuah pondasi dalam hubungan menjadi sangat penting. Seberapa dalam aku mengenal pasanganku adalah hal yang sangat aku butuhkan dalam melangkah lebih jauh. Kencan buta bukanlah suatu opsi. Apalagi dijodohkan. Tapi sekitarku terus saja menyodorkan aku semua itu dengan harapan aku akan segera dipinang.

Aku berterima kasih atas kepedulian mereka ingin mencarikan aku pasangan hidup, namun tidak mereka ketahui bahwa tak banyak orang yang cukup bersedia untuk bersabar dalam mengenal seseorang dengan social anxiety sepertiku. Rasa panik, malu, takut memberikan kesan buruk, dan tidak percaya diri selalu memenuhi diriku sehingga pada pertemuan pertama, kedua, ketiga... aku tidak mampu membuka diri pada orang-orang baru, sedangkan aku hidup dalam dunia dimana kalau kita tidak bisa bersikap ‘asik’ dan berbicara seperti MC pada lawan bicara, maka orang tidak akan tertarik. Yang mana hal tersebut bukanlah salah mereka. Siapa sih yang mau punya teman yang terlalu pendiam dan kurang asik diajak ngobrol, yang selalu sibuk dengan isi kepalanya sendiri. Apalagi pasangan…

Oleh karena itu, aku sangat berterima kasih pada sahabat-sahabat dan teman-temanku yang bersedia memahami dan menerimaku hingga sekarang. Adalah sebuah perjalanan yang panjang bagiku untuk akhirnya dapat memanggil mereka 'teman'. Bagiku, teman sangatlah berharga karena ada sebuah pondasi yang kuat yang mengkokohkan hubungan itu. Dan aku sangat berharap, jika aku memang akan menikah, aku akan menikah dengan seseorang yang dapat menjadi temanku, bukan sekedar pasanganku. Teman yang dapat membuat kami dapat menjadi diri kami, dimana kami dapat dengan nyaman berbagi kekurangan dan kelebihan kami, dan mau bekerja sama untuk menjadi lebih baik.

Sayangnya, aku pernah memiliki hubungan yang seperti itu, hubungan yang kemudian harus berakhir bukan karena pertengkaran ataupun permusuhan, ia hanya berakhir begitu saja. Bisa jadi inilah yang dinamakan tidak jodoh. Dan setiap kali aku ingin mencoba membuka hati, rantai masa lalu tersebut seakan menahanku dan menarikku kembali ke masa terindah itu. Lalu, hati ini pun akan mengunci dirinya dan mengurungku di dalamnya bersama teman lamaku itu. Teman yang sekarang mungkin sudah bergerak maju dengan kehidupannya, tanpa tahu bahwa aku masih terjerat di belakang, kesulitan melupakan.

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Two Voices

There are two voices inside of my head. They argued everyday, telling me what's right and wrong. They criticized all of the things I've done. Lately, those voices sound even louder than they used to be. Whenever I'm not talking with someone, these voices will make conversations by themselves, most of the time, they never agreed with each other. This is not an imaginary friend, it is clearly just two voices. I'll give you a little example of how these voices talk to each other inside of my mind. They usually commented on everything that just happened to me.

Example: My Lecturer gave me a hard time in college and I was so depressed and have no idea how to deal with it.

Voice 1: Ugh, don't be a wimp. You know you deserved it!
Voice 2: Well, maybe that lecturer didn't have to be so harsh on her. What's wrong with giving a helping hand for their students?
Voice 1: What's wrong? He is not your parents nor your friends. He wouldn't care even if you kill yourself.
Voice 2: But he's a teacher... 
Voice 1: And you're an adult.
Voice 2: What?
Voice 1 : It means you have to be strong to endure any hardships, so maybe that's why he gave you that.
Voice 2: But she already has enough hardships without that lecturer had to be so rude and...
Voice 1: He wouldn't know and he wouldn't care! You're not his kid. He doesn't give a damn about your existence.
Voice 2: You're right, but it is his duty to help students...
Voice 1: Yeah right, no one cares about duty now, just bear with it or kill yourself...
Voice 2: No, dear, Denisa, don't worry. There will be a way...
Voice 1: There won't be. You should help yourself. This world isn't nice
Voice 2: But it doesn't mean you have to lose your kindness...
Voice 1: People need money, not kindness
Voice 2 : ....

And I would hit my head after that because these conversation in my head just seemed to have no end. I literally laughed in irony or cringed sometimes when I heard some of those opinions, tho, like... I'm feel like I'm getting insane. I don't know if it's healthy or not, or is it happen with others? Like you really listen to other voices, but at the same time, you know that you're not really a part of it, but those voices are within your head, so it means they're your own thoughts, but as the same time you know it isn't you, or it is too rude and bitchy (that voice 1 always talks like a senior who loves to bully other), or too kind, to be you. 

You know what I mean?