Thursday, December 1, 2016

Stressful Rants

Salam...

It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm still struggling with the same things even after all these years: SKRIPSI. Except that I'm making a little progress these days and actually working on it. I admired those who are able to focus on many things at the same times, even on the things they dislike, because I cannot do that. That's why most of the times, I have hard times dealing with things. For example, I seriously love choir and teaching, so I would put my full efforts when it comes to them. I don't even mind if I don't get paid since I always get the ultimate pleasure and happiness whenever I teach and do choir stuffs. But on the contrary, when it comes to the things I dislike, like my college, it's hard to bring myself to do it properly. You know, I took the wrong major and it makes me quite depressed even until now, but it's too late to regret. All I need to do is finish my final thesis and graduate to please my parents, and then I would be able to live freely, or so I thought.

I'm always feel like starting over from the very beginning. I kept thinking, what if I were born without musical talents? What if I were born with the obsession for science and maths instead? Would my life become easier? After all, most people will always acknowledge those who are brainy and especially gifted in science. I truly want to believe that everyone is different with their special gifts and talents. But if I get to choose, I would probably choose to be someone who has obsession with math or science. That way, I could aim to become a Doctor or Math teacher and society will need me more. 

It's such a naive and pathetic thoughts, I know. People will tell me that I can be whatever I want to be as long as I'm trying hard for it. So, why can't I understand Math or Science easily? My brain gets dizzy whenever I see them or try to learn them. Why can't it work normally like normal people? Does it have something to do with the fact that I was born premature? I felt so uneasy with the look from my teachers when they saw me unable to understand Math questions. I felt inferior from everyone's ability to understand things that I cannot understand. Maybe if I didn't have the ability to feel things too much, everything will become easier. But I'm the type of person who are too aware with my surroundings.

I wish I could stop feeling things too much, it's really disturbing. It's so disturbing to the point that I ended up ignoring everything. It's better if I don't get too close with people, or they will notice something is weird about me. It's better to keep everything to myself, rather than sharing it with people who will easily judge me. It's better to live this life without expecting much from others, because the disappointment will hurt me so much more than I could imagined when they failed to lift it up.

But even with all these thoughts, in the end, I realized that I cannot live alone. And I cannot ignore those who are dear to me no matter how bothersome it is. Can I just skip over this life please? 
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