Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Prison

I never want to specifically write down what or who make me feel so much despair. Whenever I'm done pouring my feelings into a private post or locked diary, I always ended up deleting them or burning the papers. In the end, I just don't want anyone to find out what really happen. And more importantly, I don't ever want those who hurt me to the point of depressed, find out what they did to me. Because most of the time, they didn't know that they did hurt me. They didn't understand how much damage they've left in me. And because the ones who caused the most damage are actually the ones I love and cared the most.

They don't deserved the pain from knowing my pain. They don't deserved to be blamed for my lack of almost everything that cause them to unintentionally or accidentally hurt me. They don't deserved to feel betrayed by my feelings. Because I fell down more often than any others. I failed more than I succeeded. I always reached that bottom point and fell into darkness so much longer than anybody else. This brain of mine really does not work normally and it gets harder each day.

Don't lose hope on me, I beg of them secretly
Don't give up on me, I pray silently
Don't turn your back on me

But again, in the end, it's me who lost hopes in myself. I gave up. I turn my back on people and decided to lock myself away for such a long time. I used these excuses that I need some time alone, but the truth is, I just don't know anymore. I'm so lost and then it's perfectly normal if people finally annoyed at me and give up on me for being this way. That's perfectly understandable if even those who are closest to me decided to leave me. That's why they're never the ones be blamed and if they caused me heartaches and pain, that's because I was the first one who did that to myself.

I still learn how to embrace the things that I disliked about myself. Is that pathetic? At this age, I should have been able to settled with life. But instead, I ended up in this prison of despair created by my very own brain. How am I supposed to live life? Where are the dreams and optimism I used to have? Will I be able to reach them again someday? Will I be able to defeat this demon within me? What if someday, I really decided to give up and let the demon wins? Will there be a friend or comrade who will save me? But, isn't it too much for someone like me to wish to be saved by a friend?

I need to save myself. I need to strengthen myself. There is no other way.
dear God... please, don't give up on me

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