Monday, March 21, 2016

Getting Worse

I found myself in the darkest moment ever lately. Almost as terrible as my 2014, and seems like it's getting even worse. I found myself shutting down other people and walking even further away from anyone else. I suffered from a terrible heartche each day, the wound seems to be growing severe and I completely have no idea how to heal it.

I become a bad person, in and outside. I felt irritated all the time and couldn't help but annoyed by everyone's existence. But at the same time, I know it's not right. It's like my soul is being ripped apart into two different personalities. And now I often hear these two fighting inside of me, telling me what's right and what's not from their own perspectives (this is kinda confusing since they are the voices within me, so they are basically my own perspectives, but you know what I mean!)

For example, when I'm annoyed by my friend's joke, two of my personalities will fight to decide:

BAD: She is so annoying, how can she joke about something that sensitive?
GOOD: Well, I'm sure she didn't mean it to offend anyone, and no one gets hurt by her joke so why do you even care?
BAD: What? No, it's not right to make the joke out of something like that? Didn't she know it crossed the line and you never know if it hurts anyone.
GOOD: But I'm sure everyone is mature enough to understand her true meaning is just to entertain others.
BAD: Well that's not very entertaining for me, stop acting like you're not bothered by it.
GOOD: Well that's your problem!
BAD: Shut up!
GOOD: YOU SHUT UP!

And it goes on inside of my head, lately, it's happening all the time. And usually when that happens, I decide to be quiet, and even when my angers are building up, I keep it inside, 'til I unconsciously hitting my hand, or my face, and when I finally speak up to very few people whom I trust enough to see the darkest part of me, I would say a lot of bad things, not to them, but mainly about what I'm feeling, and when I finally get into my sense, I'd feel bad for them for listening to my rants which totally have nothing to do with them and even annoyed them maybe.

It's like I'm surrounded by dementors everyday and I have no happiness left to conjure strong patronus.

This is really bad.

2 komentar:

Asriana Septari said...

Just read this!
It must be pretty damn hard but be strong cha :)

Denisa P. Rosandria said...

Thanks a bunch for your continues support and reading on my blog, Tar. Been few years you read nothing but rants. That means so much really :')

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