Sunday, February 28, 2016

Mr. Wordless

Hari ini aku menggali lubang masa lalu yang telah kukubur dalam-dalam. Hanya karena sebuah lagu lama yang menjadi teman kisah kita selama beberapa tahun itu. Lalu, aku kembali jatuh cinta. Apakah padamu? Ataukah hanya pada kenangan akan dirimu? Yang aku tau, kamu adalah salah satu dari kisah favoritku. 

Boleh aku sedikit bernostalgia? Bercerita tentangmu? Sudah lima tahun sejak terakhir kita bertemu, tak sedikitpun bayangan tentangmu menghantuiku seperti hari ini. Aneh bukan, hanya karena sebuah lagu, aku membuka kembali sejarah lama yang masih tersimpan rapi itu, entah bagaimana bisa ia masih ada. Lalu, kamu tau apa yang terjadi? Aku menangis. Aku menangis begitu saja, seolah semua yang ada di masa itu kembali kepadaku. Tawa itu. Canda itu. Ledekan itu. Dan tanda-tanda itu. 

Saat itu kamu adalah orang yang terkenal, digemari banyak orang. Lalu, kita bertemu, dan kita berfoto berdua untuk pertama dan terakhir kalinya. Aku hanya satu dari ribuan orang yang mengagumi kamu, lalu bagaimana bisa takdir membawaku pada sebuah pertemanan, denganmu, meski hanya melalui dunia maya. Bagaimana bisa, setelah dari sekian banyak wanita yang menyapamu, hanya aku yang kamu tawarkan persahabatan? 

Saat itu aku hanya pemimpi, penuh khayal, bagiku kamu begitu tinggi, tak terjangkau, karena itu ketika kamu memberikan ku lebih dari apa yang aku khayalkan, aku merasa seperti dongeng telah menjadi nyata dalam kehidupanku. Kamu adalah seseorang, sedangkan aku hanya bayangan, tapi kamu melihatku, dan menjadikan aku penting, atau paling tidak membuatku merasa begitu.

Ada jarak yang jauh, hanya melalui telepon, YM, SMS, BBM, twitter, dan social media, kita berbicara setiap hari, hampir sepanjang waktu. Kamu memanggilku dengan sebutan itu begitupun aku. Kita saling mencari saat satu sama lain tak bisa dijangkau, saling meledek, saling berbagi kisah, dan akhirnya aku kembali menemuimu lagi, ke tempatmu tinggal, ke negeri impian itu, dimana semua mimpi menjadi nyata. 

Kamu bersama orang lain, begitupun aku, tapi apa yang kita lakukan. Kita jahat, kita saling peduli dan mencari cara untuk tetap bisa berkomunikasi dalam rahasia, tanpa perlu menyakiti orang yang menyayangi kita. Tapi, pada akhirnya kita menyakiti mereka. Kita saling menjauh. Lalu, kamu datang lagi. Kamu berada begitu dekat denganku, lebih dari sebelumnya. Dan kita, bertemu lagi. Berbicara lagi. 

Lalu, semua berakhir. Kita menyudahinya tanpa ada perpisahan. Tanpa ada penjelasan, apakah senyuman dan pembicaraan setiap hari kita selama 3 tahun itu adalah tanda yang kamu kirimkan? Apakah pernah dalam sehari saja, kamu merasakan debaran yang kurasakan terhadapmu? Apakah pernah terbersit sedikit saja dalam benakmu, tentang keberadaanku? Apakah dalam canda dan ledekan yang kamu kirimkan nyaris setiap detik itu, ada sedikit saja rasa untukku?

Kamu menghilang dari hidupku, begitupun aku menghilang dari hidupmu, setelah hampir 3,5 tahun kamu mengisinya. Tak ada satu hari pun dalam hidupku tanpa pesan darimu saat itu. Apa yang terjadi? Aku tidak tahu, mungkin itu memang waktu yang tepat, untuk aku mengakhiri apa yang selama ini menjadi khayalanku, dan melepaskanmu, yang ternyata akan selamanya terlalu tinggi untuk kuraih. 

Aku merindukanmu, mungkin bukan dirimu, tapi kenangan tentangmu. Kenangan yang sangat berharga bagiku, dimana aku belajar menjadi manusia yang lebih baik kala itu, dan bahkan berprestasi di sekolah dan bisa meraih PTN, itu semua kamu yang menjadi motivasinya. Kamu mungkin tidak tahu, dan tak akan pernah tahu. Tapi, aku ingin berterimakasih. Atas segala yang terjadi, atas waktu yang kamu berikan, atas pertemanan yang kamu tawarkan. Kamu mengubah hidupku kala itu, dan semoga dimanapun kamu sekarang, kamu menjalaninya dengan baik tanpa kekurangan suatu apapun.

Terimakasih ya, Anak Kecil. Merkuriusku. Mr. Wordless-ku.
Terimakasih pernah membuat khayalanku menjadi kenyataan.

Music and Me?



Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Eventhough I'm blessed with musical talents from my Dad's blood and my mother put me in a lot of artistic and musical courses/events, I'm not really into music. Or should I say, I no longer passionate about it. Unlike most of my friends who are so passionate about music to the point that they remember so many songs, and always stay updated with the newest hits and eager to perform in front of people.

I love music, it's definitely one of my favorite escape from reality, but to me, that's what music is all about now. A beautiful escape that could make me wander to the most beautiful fantasy, and lift up my spirit to the new world. When it comes to music, just like with my social life, I only have very few favorite musics that I could listen for so many times, because it reflects my feeling, and some of them were so meaningful because they remind me of few experiences and unforgettable events in the past, or to certain someone and story.

I do enjoy performing, but not really passionate about it, maybe because I'm shy and I'm feel like want to throw up whenever I'm on stage by myself, so I kinda give up with dream of become a star on stage, lol. Not only because I felt awkward most of the time, but because I can't memorize so many songs like most of performers did. Or maybe I just don't want to because I'm lazy. Oh well...

Anyway, here's the list of few of my favorite songs and why they stuck in my head and make me giggle on the inside whenever I listen to it.

1. First Love 
This was probably the first English song that I could memorize, 'cause I used to hate English. When I was in Elfa's, my coach gave me this song at our first rehearsal. I have a special spot for 'the first time' related things lol,

2. Reflection
This was the first English song that I performed in front of audience. Elfa's held some kind of concert every 3 months and everyone should perform solo. I really like this song because it was, you know, another first time experience for me to perform on real stage with real audience. Also, as I grow up, I learn about the song and I could related to it. I don't even have to tell you why I felt related to this song. Just listen to the lyrics LOL. 

3. Memory
I was just the background singer for this song with many of teenagers in Elfa's, performing medley Jellicles Cat and Memory. It was one of the best memories I had in Elfa's. We rehearsed for a month everyday, and for the first time I got to know about Broadway musical. We performed exactly the same way like the Broadway casts did, with cat's costumes and hair and mask, we danced and sang and acted like insane cats lol. It was fun and I really miss those days. And yes, as I grow up, I learn about this song and its meaning, and again, I felt related to its lyrics, so it's a mixed feeling between sadness and happiness of the good old days.

4. Flying Without Wings
I love Westlife since I was a kid, and I literally had no idea what this song is about when I was a kid, I just simply fell for the music and Mark's voice. And as I grow up and learn about its lyrics, I realized that this song was probably made in heave. It's really beautiful and tells about so many form of love. And how those things can make us feel like flying without wings.

5. Angel's Wings
Another beautiful piece from Westlife, it tells about a happiness of a father who welcome his newborn baby and put his admiration and love into a beautiful song. If you have special connection with your parents, you'll feel so overwhelmed with this song.

6. Hingga Ujung Waktu
This is still my favorite song from Sheila on 7, and I didn't even understand the meaning behind its poetical lyrics when I was a kid, but I fell for its music and the words. Yes, it's a love song which later I learn and it makes my heart feel warm after I finally understand its fully meaning. I keep thinking that I want this song to be played on my wedding day, hopefully with S07 as the guest star lol.

7. Waktu yang Tepat 'Tuk Berpisah
Again, this is another masterpiece from Sheila on 7, and I couldn't understand its poetical lyrics until recently. I know it's a sad song, but I couldn't really understand it sarcastic yet very poetic lyrics before. Now, that I finally understand, it got me teared up everytime I listen to it, especially because I've had few goodbyes and separation. It tells you a story about goodbye who seemed beautiful, but secretly hide a sad and heartbreaking feeling, and yet you have to stand strong and just let go. 

8. Two is Better than One
This is the soundtrack of my unrequited love for three years during my highschool days and half-of my 1st semester in college, with long distance friend, LOL. The lyrics kinda reflect what happened to me and my crush: I fell in love at the first sight, and I remember all the things about him on our first meeting, and we had this friendship for 3 years, we both had nicknames for each other, and he even made secret account so he could talk to me without making anyone jealous. At that time, I sacrificed a lot of things for him, and even go across the ocean for him (literally). But yeah, it was beautiful unrequited love which make me be a better person at that time. But it ended.  But it was definitely a story that I would cherish because eventhough it was childish and sad, it felt like fairy tale to me ~~

Music is my beautiful escape and each of my favorite song is the soundtrack of certain important events that give me warm feeling whenever I listen to it. The memories come alive and I think this is more than just performing materials. 

See you in the next Music and Me Post...

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb. 

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Dear Zahrika Prastamia

Hey, Mia...

I wonder if you would ever read this post. I've been wondering where you are, where you've gone, you completely disappear from our lives. It's been almost 2 years since the last time I saw you. I don't know your phone number, and you're disappear from all of social media.

Where are you? Are you okay? We miss you, you know.

We're still struggling to graduate from college, all of us, me, Mella, Diah, Wardah, and Amel. We're still in contact with each other and sometimes we meet at school. We're wondering where you are. We're even planning to get your address so we could go to your house. You're one of very important people in my college lives. You saved me in many exams and I don't want to lose you just like that. I don't refer a lot of people as my bestfriend, but to me, you're one of those very few people.

Where are you? Are you healthy? Do you remember us?

I'm working now, and it's so much harder to work on my thesis and also trying to finish all of my studies. I miss our intellectual conversations after classes or during classes (although most of the time it's only you and Wardah talking lol), I miss your existence and your coolness and indifference towards a lot of things lol.

Where are you? I sincerely wish you're doing fine

I just want you to know that you have me, Mella, Wardah, Diah, and Amel, who are here to support you and miss you so much. I want you to know how much we pray that all of us will succeed together in the end, in our own way. If I could get a chance to meet all of you again, I want all of us to go somewhere, far from college, and just travel for fun. We have never done that, right? We only meet at college. I regretted that I was so caught up with PSM and never spare my time to meet you guys outside the college.

Where are you? I wish you read this post somehow.
If you do read it, please let me know that you're still around, that you're not really gone. There's so many things that I wish I could tell you. You were one of very few people who understand me. We're one and the same, although you're a lot smarter haha.

Anyway, I wish wherever you are, you're doing great and be healthy.
We miss you. A lot.

Friday, February 12, 2016

To The One We Love the Most

What have we done to you? How could we let the tears fell from your eyes? We're sorry that we didn't lift up to your expectations in education or work. We choose the work we love and we prefer to be independent, do everything on our own feet. When we told you that want to make your life easier, how could those intentions hurt you so bad? How could you never try to understand that all we're trying to do is to build our own pride and confidence by being a little more independent. We're no longer kids, we're trying to prepare the life of our own. We need you. We will always need you. But, not in materialistic things only. The things that make us stand strong up until now is your love, prayer, and support to us. Your strength and independence in working so hard to bring us this far is the thing that inspired us to become independent as well. We want to be like you. 

Don't you understand that we love you so much to the point that we can't bear to see you burden all of our needs by yourself? We have been watching you for so long, your hardwork and so many things you have done for us. You're our inspiration. We want to help you a little bit by being able to support ourselves on our own at least. But you take that as something that disrespect you. You're hurt by that. You keep blaming us everyday and tell us that we don't need you. Eventhough we tell you each time that we will always need you. But what we need is your support and faith in us. Morally and mentally. That's the strongest thing that we need from you. We need it so much. We need your kind words and faith in us, we need your prayer and support in us. So, please let us learn to support our materialistic needs on our own, while you keep pushing us to move forward and reach our dreams. 

When we said that we don't want to burden you, there is no intention to hurt you nor to disrespect your pride, nor even to underestimate you. We're sorry if that have hurt you. We love you so much. We want to make your life a little bit easier, eventhough we will never be able to pay you back, no matter how much we work hard our entire life, the things you give to us are irreplaceable and will forever be the reasons for us to keep on living. So, please. Forgive us for our intention. Forgive us for never succeed in bringing happiness into your life. And thank you for still standing next to us, no matter how disappointment of children we are to you, thank you for keep staying with us.

We love you
We love you so much
But we're sorry if our love hurt you instead
We didn't mean it to hurt you
We're sorry
We're sorry, Mom
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