Thursday, December 1, 2016

Stressful Rants

Salam...

It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm still struggling with the same things even after all these years: SKRIPSI. Except that I'm making a little progress these days and actually working on it. I admired those who are able to focus on many things at the same times, even on the things they dislike, because I cannot do that. That's why most of the times, I have hard times dealing with things. For example, I seriously love choir and teaching, so I would put my full efforts when it comes to them. I don't even mind if I don't get paid since I always get the ultimate pleasure and happiness whenever I teach and do choir stuffs. But on the contrary, when it comes to the things I dislike, like my college, it's hard to bring myself to do it properly. You know, I took the wrong major and it makes me quite depressed even until now, but it's too late to regret. All I need to do is finish my final thesis and graduate to please my parents, and then I would be able to live freely, or so I thought.

I'm always feel like starting over from the very beginning. I kept thinking, what if I were born without musical talents? What if I were born with the obsession for science and maths instead? Would my life become easier? After all, most people will always acknowledge those who are brainy and especially gifted in science. I truly want to believe that everyone is different with their special gifts and talents. But if I get to choose, I would probably choose to be someone who has obsession with math or science. That way, I could aim to become a Doctor or Math teacher and society will need me more. 

It's such a naive and pathetic thoughts, I know. People will tell me that I can be whatever I want to be as long as I'm trying hard for it. So, why can't I understand Math or Science easily? My brain gets dizzy whenever I see them or try to learn them. Why can't it work normally like normal people? Does it have something to do with the fact that I was born premature? I felt so uneasy with the look from my teachers when they saw me unable to understand Math questions. I felt inferior from everyone's ability to understand things that I cannot understand. Maybe if I didn't have the ability to feel things too much, everything will become easier. But I'm the type of person who are too aware with my surroundings.

I wish I could stop feeling things too much, it's really disturbing. It's so disturbing to the point that I ended up ignoring everything. It's better if I don't get too close with people, or they will notice something is weird about me. It's better to keep everything to myself, rather than sharing it with people who will easily judge me. It's better to live this life without expecting much from others, because the disappointment will hurt me so much more than I could imagined when they failed to lift it up.

But even with all these thoughts, in the end, I realized that I cannot live alone. And I cannot ignore those who are dear to me no matter how bothersome it is. Can I just skip over this life please? 

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Kebahagiaan

Hidup yang seperti ini mungkin tidak apa-apa juga
Tak perlu pengakuan siapa-siapa
Bisa makan, bisa minum, bisa tertawa lepas
Memilih untuk menjadi apa adanya
Kalau sedang malas, ya tidur saja 
Kalau sedang rajin, ya bereskan semua yang berantakan
Meski tak punya teman banyak
Asal kita perduli dengan sungguh-sungguh
Maka itu akan jadi harta yang berharga
Meski tak meraih cita-cita, paling tidak tak berhenti bermimpi
Jangan ada penyesalan
Hidup hanya sekali, maka teruslah maju
Kesalahan yang telah berlalu, perbaikilah
Jangan dijadikan rantai yang mengikat kita pada masa lalu
Cinta yang tak terbalaskan... Lepaskanlah
Dunia yang luas ini akan menawarkanmu yang baru
Dan seberat apapun kesakitan dan kesedihan
Simpanlah sendiri, jangan membebani orang lain

Di dalam hidup ini, kebahagiaan diraih bukan dari harta
Jika kita bisa meminta maaf dengan tulus setelah melakukan kesalahan
Itulah kebahagiaan
Jika kita bisa memaafkan setelah tersakiti
Itulah kebahagiaan
Jika kita bisa mementingkan kebahagiaan orang lain di atas kebahagiaan kita
Itulah kebahagiaan

Bukan tentang aku, tapi kamu
Bukan tentang kita, tapi mereka
Bukan tentang sendiri, tapi bersama
Jika kamu bahagia maka sebisa mungkin
Aku pun akan bahagia

Thursday, September 29, 2016

3/14 no Tokei by Ryosuke Yamada & Keito Okamoto (Lyrics and Translation)


I'm currently so addicted to Hey!Say!JUMP's 3/14 no Tokei, written by Ryosuke Yamada with Keito Okamoto as guitar. This song is simply beautiful and once you listen to it, you just want to repeat it over and over again. Ryosuke sings it beautifully and I just simply love the guitar arrangement. Definitely one of the best Ballad songs they ever have~ I could listen to it all day and never get bored. Help me~ 

Kajikamute sode kara 
Hands that grew numb under those sleeves
Nozokase nagara
As I took a glance at them
Ano hi kureta yuki mo tokeru
I remembered what you gave on that day, covered with melting snow
Kurai amai chokoreeto
The sweet chocolate

Mado no soto nozoku to
When I peeked through the window
Tsubomi ga mou mebuite
The buds are starting to bloom
Mou soro soro purezento
It’s about time for a present
Mitsuke ni ikanakyane
I'll search for one

Saisho ni watashita pasuteru karaa no
A pastel coloured watch I gave on 3/14
Tokei kyasha na ude ni tsuiteru
It hangs on your slender wrist
Mou kidzuiteru? Tokei no ura ni kakushita
Have you found it? Hidden at the back of that watch
Kimi he no messeeji
The message for you

Let's spend the time together forever
Bokura no ai ga kono moji no youni Jikan wo kizandeku
Like these letters, let's engraved our love in time
Yukkuri to futari no byoushin ga
Slowly, as our hands
Yorisoi ai nagara Ai wo kizande yuku
Nestle close to each other, we carve our love
Ano hi chikatta hanasanaitte
That day we vowed to never let go of each other
Rainen no kono hi mo isshoni iyou yo
Next year, on this very same day, let's be together

Otagai betsu no michi arukou to shita kedo
Though we decided to walk on different paths
Itsudatte mata kimi dake wo kangaechaun dayo
I always end up thinking of you

Kisetsu ga megutte otona ni naru hodo
Seasons change long enough for us to grow old
Horo nigai ai ni natteku no kana
Will this become a bittersweet love?
Tokei no hari ga susundeku tabi
As the hands of the clock start to move
Kimi he no omoi mo tsuyoku naru
My feelings for you just grow stronger

Kawaranai kara bokura itsumademo
I will not change, so
Onaji kono keshiki wo kono mama miteiyou
Let’s look at the same scenery forever
Nichijou no atari mae no one scene
The usual scenes I see everyday
Kimi to iru dakede hora Konna ni mo kagayaku
When I'm with you, hey they shine brighter
Ano hi umareta Futari dake no
Let our love that born on that day
Ai wo itsumademo oh
continue forever

Bukiyou ni kawashita saisho no kisu ga
Through the clumsy first kiss we exchanged
Hanarenaitte yakusoku datta
We promised to never let go of each other
Namida no aji de nandaka atatakakute
The taste of the tears is somehow warm
Bokura mata nandomo Yorisoikasaneatta
Over and over again As we cuddled closer

Let's spend the time together forever
Bokura no ai ga kono moji no youni Jikan wo kizandeku
Like these letters, let's engraved our love in time
Yukkuri to futari no byoushin ga
Slowly, as our hands
Yorisoi ai nagara Ai wo kizande yuku
Nestle close to each other, we carve our love
Ano hi chikatta hanasanaitte
That day we vowed to never let go of each other
Rainen no kono hi mo isshoni iyou yo
Next year, on this very same day, let's be together

Zutto...
Always...

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Pink & Gray (J-Movie)


As soon as I came back to Hey!Say!JUMP fandom, I found that Yuto Nakajima has stepped further into the acting world. He is one of my favorite actors in JUMP and what makes me even happier is the fact that his debut in the big screen as the lead role is this movie: PINK & GRAY, a movie adaption from Shigeaki Kato's novel. If you're a fan of Johnny's Entertainment, you sure know that this novel was Shige's debut in literary work, the first Johnny talent to debut as writer to be exact. I even congratulated him on my post. But I left the fandom after that and completely lost with everything. I love JUMP and NEWS, so it's impossible to skip this movie since it's the combination work of my two favorite fandom. Hmm, this preface is already longer than I plan.

It is hard not to write some spoilers because half of the movie actually contain secrets and plot twist which important for my review. I don't want people who's going to watch it for the first time lose that surprised feeling from the plot twist either. Unless you're already read the novel.

This movie is split into two colors, which represent the past and present. The one with colors (Pink) is the past, and the one in black and white (Gray) is present. It was confusing at first but it kept you curious to watch it 'til you understand what's really going on. 

PINK - Past
The movie begins with Rengo Shiraki, a famous actor, preparing to commit suicide, but he leaves 6 wills letters for his childhood bestfriend, Daiki Kawata / Riva-chan before he died. It was already too late when Daiki came and tried to release him from the tightropes. Daiki had to choose one of the wills from Rengo. Daiki's fate seemed to hinge on this choice, to some extent it does, and doesn't. Rengo had an older sister who committed suicide during her Ballet performance in front of Rengo's eyes. Whether this influenced Rengo's decision to do the same thing later or not will be answered later at the end of the movie.

Daiki and Rengo's friendship began when Daiki moved to the same apartment and became Rengo's neighbor. And together with a neighborhood girl named Sally (Kaho), the trio became the best of friends who survived turbulent years of adolescence. Rengo excels at arts and looks, and popular among ladies. Daiki felt both admiration and envy towards him, especially when Daiki found himself attracted to Sally, but the girl seemed to show more affection to Rengo. One day, the two boys scouted by a model agency and started working as extras. Then Rengo made the leap to acting and soon after, stardom, while the less-confident and, less-talented Daiki stews in the apartment they share. 

Rengo aware of Daiki's insecurities, tried to help him get more jobs as extras on his dramas or movies, but Daiki was never able to give good performance because he felt pressured with Rengo's presence at the scene. Desperate and enraged, Daiki overlook Rengo's help and said he didn't want to stay with the current Rengo. Rengo didn't argue and just left the apartment without any words, while Daiki poured his anxieties and feelings to Sally. They both had never seen Rengo again for the next three years.

Three years later
The two bestfriends reunited at Highschool class reunion. Daiki hesitated to greet his ex-bestfriend who has become a big star and gained so much attention at the reunion, but Rengo approached him, and at that very same night, they were back to become bestfriends, as if all of the dramas and fights few years ago never happened. That night, while the two of them drunk and reminiscing the good old days, Rengo promised Daiki that he would exchange place with him the next day. Daiki didn't understand Rengo's words since he's drunk and forgot about it right away. The next day, Rengo asked Daiki to visit his apartment at night. Daiki was too happy for finally reconciled with Rengo. He came to Rengo's apartment that night to have some fun talk and drink just as Rengo asked him before, only to find out that Rengo has committed suicide and left him with 6 wills letters....

GRAY - Present
After Rengo's death, Daiki wrote a biography novel about him, just like what Rengo wish in one of his wills that Daiki choose. This biography novel about Rengo Shiroki has gained Daiki the popularity that he's always wanted. The novel is adapted into the movie and Daiki was asked to portray one of the three leading roles. While watching his and Rengo's story through the big screen, Daiki realized that there was something that Rengo hides from him. Why did Rengo commit suicide? Why did he leave such troublesome suicide notes? Daiki who's just got into the showbiz world also learned that everything around him is more complicated and everyone wears a mask. 

Being a star isn't always mean happiness. How did Rengo feel during all those years in showbiz world? How did he feel about the friendship between them? Daiki realized that he doesn't understand Rengo at all, despite of the fact that they were bestfriends since childhood, Rengo never told him what's on his mind. Struggling to come to terms with Rengo’s suicide as well as with fame he can’t really call his own, Daiki sets out to discover the truth behind his friend’s death. Daiki learned that human is such a complex creature. No one really knows about anyone else except themselves.


This movie is surprisingly heavy and confusing when I first watched it, but it kept me curious. I cried a lot too, maybe the image of Yuto secretly hides something that makes him suffer actually hurt me a little. I'm feel like I can relate to both Rengo and Daiki's pain to some extent, but at the same time, there are moments when I don't understand him at all. Japan is really in different level when it comes to thriller, suspense, psychological genre. I was speechless when the movie ended. I'm also amazed by Shige as the writer of this story.

By the way, as Hey!Say!JUMP fan who are so used to see Yuto's innocent, dorky image, this movie has totally changed my perspective towards him. I always know that Yuto is a great actor but I just never expect that the day will come when he's finally taking these kind of roles and play some hardcore scenes, LOL. But he's undoubtedly and arguably great in portraying these roles and it made me respect him more now. I'm glad that this movie is his first film.

PS: All of the gifs were taken from tumblr and google. Feel free to message me if you want to be credited or want me to take it down. Jaa :)

Friday, September 9, 2016

Itazura na Kiss - Love in Tokyo 2 (Jdrama)


It's been a while....
So, I decided that I will be writing about Japan stuffs again from now, be it Jdrama reviews or just my fangirling over Hey!Say!JUMP, because guess what? I'm back to the fandom after 3 years of hiatus and I've never felt so alive before, LOL. Just kidding. I just find them as one of my important source of happiness and I'm glad that I could write about them again instead of my anxieties. So, without further ado, I will start from Itazura na Kiss - Love in Tokyo 2 review. Here we go~

The story
Following the success of ItaKiss - Love in Tokyo, they continue the series to season 2 which tells about the marriage life of Naoki Irie (Yuki Furukawa) and Kotoko Irie (Miki Honoka), which really is a good thing for us who have been longing to see more romantic side of Naoki as husband, lol. 


This season, Naoki also transferred to Medical Major of Tonan University to pursue his dream of becoming a doctor. Although Naoki and Kotoko have finally married, Naoki's quiet and cold behavior doesn't change much, especially during the first few months of their marriage which gives Kotoko anxiety and questioned herself a lot if Naoki really loves her or not. Naoki didn't even register their marriage to the ward office because he wanted to make sure that he make his father's company succeed before he left it to pursue his medical major. He didn't tell Kotoko what's on his mind which made Kotoko sad and they fought quite terribly. Later, Naoki realized that he needs to put Kotoko's feelings first, and Kotoko learns to believe in Naoki more even when he doesn't tell him anything, she needs to believe that Naoki will not deceive her.


The main story is pretty much the same with other adaption. This season, Kotoko also decided to transfer to Medical Major to be a nurse in order to be helpful for Naoki, and be closer with Naoki. Kotoko met a new group of friends who become her team to finish every medical task. These new friends have quite absurd personalities, but they will become her good friends for the entire series. I was kinda annoyed at first to see her do this only for Naoki, it feels like her resolve and life only revolves around Naoki, but Kotoko learns that being a nurse and working in medical field is not as simple as that and there are so many responsibilities she has to bear. Kotoko will also learn the importance of human's life, the role of doctor and nurse, and more importantly, she learns to love her job wholeheartedly and not only because of Naoki.

One of Kotoko's friends in the group is Keita Kamogari (Arata Horii), a very handsome and casual guy who are passionate about his dream of becoming a nurse. Keita is a considerate person and he loves to take care of people. He was annoyed at Kotoko's clumsiness at first but later he grows respect to her perseverance and he becomes concern about her when Naoki was being mean and seemed to never care about Kotoko. Keita thought that he would be a better match for Kotoko because he will never make Kotoko sad the way Naoki does. 

A Genius and Jealousy
Keita told Naoki that as a husband, Naoki did a poor job in taking care of Kotoko. Although Kotoko has told Keita that Naoki never spoiled her and always push her to the limit, Keita still strongly disliked Naoki. Naoki who has noticed Keita's different concern and behavior towards Kotoko felt something he never felt before: jealousy. Naoki who doesn't understand this unpleasant feelings took it upon Kotoko and becomes so cold towards her. He even told Kotoko to go home with Keita which made Kotoko angry and once again questioned Naoki if he loves her or is it only her who loves him all this time. The question was left unanswered. Naoki himself doesn't understand why he acted that way towards Kotoko, but later when he consulted with Kinnosuke Ikezawa (Yuki Yamada), he learns that the unpleasant feelings he felt in his heart is only a jealousy. Naoki was surprised by Kinnosuke's answer and realized that he was really being jealous. At the same time, he admired Kinnosuke for being really strong in enduring such troublesome emotions for six years.

Doctor and Nurse
As husband and wife who work in medical field, the couple faced so many problems, from Kotoko who were being bullied by her jealous seniors because she is a wife of the famous Naoki Irie, having random patients who have a crush on Naoki and treated Kotoko as enemy, and being forced to live separately from Naoki who had to work at Kobe's hospital for few years. Kotoko learns not to be selfish. With all her clumsiness, she never gives up to be a proper nurse and be accepted by her fellow nurse and patients. Although she makes a lot of mistakes, she realized that she grows more love towards her job and cared a lot about the well-being of her patients, not only their body health but their heart as well. The fact that Naoki is going to be a doctor makes Kotoko loves her profession even more. Kotoko doesn't even remember that the one who made Naoki wanted to be a doctor was Kotoko, which I find really sweet.

Naoki's Character Development
The cold-hearted, annoying, expressionless Naoki we saw in Season 1 is slowly disappear in season 2, although he never once lose his cool, sassy nature. As he learns to be a proper doctor, Naoki not only able to master the medical knowledge. Naoki also learns to connect with people around him and appreciate them. Naoki becomes friends with Kinchan is one of many proofs that he no longer value people based of their academic grades only, Naoki also doesn't seem bothered by Kotoko's big family who are filled with loud, clumsy, and stupid people, even when Kotoko was embarassed by their behavior. Naoki shows great respect and treat them nicely. The old Naoki would never do such things to such people.

After all the jealousy things that Naoki and Kotoko faced before, Naoki also learns to be more understanding of Kotoko's feelings and make sure that she would never question his love for her. No matter how many times Kotoko felt insecure about her own worth, Naoki never tired to show her that she is the only one for her. The scene when Naoki came to visit Kotoko's mother's tomb put me in tears. He loves Kotoko so much and he really cared about everything about her. This Naoki gives such warm feeling to people around him.

Kinnosuke's Happy Ending
We saw how much Kin-chan suffered in season one because of his unrequited love for Kotoko. We saw how much efforts he put to make Kotoko happy even when it's breaking his own heart. In this season, we finally get to see Kinnosuke gets his own happiness. Christine Robbins (Noemie Nakai) is a beautiful girl from England who came as exchange student at Tonan University and became Kotoko's friend, she and Kotoko later visited Aihara Restaurant and met Kinnosuke. Chris fell in love with Kinnosuke at first sight and has been approaching him ever since. But since Kinnosuke still has feelings for Kotoko, he ignored her and tells her a lot of mean things. Kinnosuke doesn't realized that he started develops feelings for her and when Chris finally decided to give up and leave Japan, Kinnosuke chase after her. Although Kinnosuke still didn't admit that he likes her, his effort was enough to make Chris wanted to stay in Japan longer. They later work together at Aihara and Tonan's canteen and getting closer and closer. Chris's cheerful personality matched Kinnosuke's and after they overcame so many obstacles, they got married and declared that they will be the best couple that rival Kotoko and Naoki. It was beautiful to see Kin-chan gets his happy ending and find someone who loves him wholeheartedly and he loves her as well. It was clear why he was never meant to be with Kotoko. Because the one who is capable to love him fully and unconditionally is Chris and vice versa.

History Repeats Itself
Yuki Irie, Naoki's little brother, found himself in the same circumstances as his brother. Konomi Sagawa, an innocent girl from class F has a crush on him and wanted to be his friend, but she was afraid to ask him because she was not confident with herself for being in class F. With Kotoko's help, Yuki noticed Konomi's existence but rejected her straight away, saying that he hates stupid woman. Kotoko encouraged Konomi to work hard so she would be in Top 100 at school exam to make Yuki impressed. Kotoko offered to teach her at home which allowed her to see Yuki. Although Kotoko promised that she would teach her, she was unable to do that because Kotoko doesn't really like studying. Naoki who saw all these decided to teach Konomi and found that she is faster at understanding things compared to Kotoko before. When Naoki continue to teach her, Yuki gets mad at her for disturbing his brother and making troubles at his home. Yuki promised that he will be the one who teach her and get her into Top 100. The two developed closer friendship which continue until years later. It's just a matter of time until Yuki finally admits that he has fallen for Konomi. Although Konomi appeared to be stupid at first, she's actually smarter than Kotoko and she could learn something faster, and her character isn't so loud and annoying either. The annoying part might have be filled with Yuki's character since he's such a naughty brat ever since he's a kid, lol.

Overall, this version was really enjoyable and made me squealed a lot because of the overload cuteness in it. I also love all the hospital scenes and it's really inspiring to see Naoki and Kotoko work as Doctor and Nurse. A lot of people want to have season 3 but I'm satisfied with the ending the way it was. I don't want to see any feud between Kotoko and her daughter fighting over Naoki's attention like in the anime. So, this ending where Kotoko and Naoki replaced the words "I Love You" with "Nothing" is already more than enough. They no longer need words to understand each other.


PS: All of the gifs were taken from tumblr and google. Feel free to message me if you want to be credited or wants me to take it down. Jaa :)

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Rencana Allah Lebih Baik

Bu Zubaidah
Dokter Barkah dan Dokter Evy, sepasang suami isteri yang berprofesi sebagai dokter ini rencananya ingin menikmati liburan sambil Umroh tanpa harus dibebani oleh pekerjaan-pekerjaan mereka. Tapi, Allah punya rencana lain. Kemampuan mereka sebagai Dokter tidak dibiarkan sia-sia di perjalanan umroh ini. Dari awal perjalanan di dalam pesawat, awak pesawat sudah meminta tolong pada para Dokter ini untuk membantu penumpang yang sakit, kemudian di perjalanan umroh, Bu Zubaidah yang memiliki penyakit asthma dan sering kambuh pun mendapat penanganan dari pasangan dokter ini dengan baik. Anggota travel yang lain juga akhirnya mendapat perawatan yang baik dari kedua pasangan Dokter ini saat mereka sakit. Bahkan hingga perjalanan pulang di pesawat pun, saat ada seorang penumpang kapal yang terkena penyakit cacar, kembali lagi kedua dokter ini dimintai tolong untuk memberikan penanganan darurat. Rencana Allah memang lebih indah dari rencana manusia. Pasangan Dokter ini bisa menjalankan ibadah secara double, tetap bermanfaat bagi orang lain, meski tidak bisa sepenuhnya liburan, tapi bayangkan berapa banyak pahala yang mereka dapatkan karena pertolongan yang mereka berikan untuk orang-orang yang sakit selama perjalanan umroh ini. Masha Allah :")

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Prison

I never want to specifically write down what or who make me feel so much despair. Whenever I'm done pouring my feelings into a private post or locked diary, I always ended up deleting them or burning the papers. In the end, I just don't want anyone to find out what really happen. And more importantly, I don't ever want those who hurt me to the point of depressed, find out what they did to me. Because most of the time, they didn't know that they did hurt me. They didn't understand how much damage they've left in me. And because the ones who caused the most damage are actually the ones I love and cared the most.

They don't deserved the pain from knowing my pain. They don't deserved to be blamed for my lack of almost everything that cause them to unintentionally or accidentally hurt me. They don't deserved to feel betrayed by my feelings. Because I fell down more often than any others. I failed more than I succeeded. I always reached that bottom point and fell into darkness so much longer than anybody else. This brain of mine really does not work normally and it gets harder each day.

Don't lose hope on me, I beg of them secretly
Don't give up on me, I pray silently
Don't turn your back on me

But again, in the end, it's me who lost hopes in myself. I gave up. I turn my back on people and decided to lock myself away for such a long time. I used these excuses that I need some time alone, but the truth is, I just don't know anymore. I'm so lost and then it's perfectly normal if people finally annoyed at me and give up on me for being this way. That's perfectly understandable if even those who are closest to me decided to leave me. That's why they're never the ones be blamed and if they caused me heartaches and pain, that's because I was the first one who did that to myself.

I still learn how to embrace the things that I disliked about myself. Is that pathetic? At this age, I should have been able to settled with life. But instead, I ended up in this prison of despair created by my very own brain. How am I supposed to live life? Where are the dreams and optimism I used to have? Will I be able to reach them again someday? Will I be able to defeat this demon within me? What if someday, I really decided to give up and let the demon wins? Will there be a friend or comrade who will save me? But, isn't it too much for someone like me to wish to be saved by a friend?

I need to save myself. I need to strengthen myself. There is no other way.
dear God... please, don't give up on me

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Love Yourself?

The thing that I hate about myself is:

I always feel like people might get annoyed with me, ever since I was a kid. Although it has something to do with some childhood terrible experiences, the trauma lives within me until now. And the worst thing is when I sense that the person whom I used to call a good friend is no longer see me as their friend. And I wouldn't dare to ask him or her why. I would just accept his sudden coldness towards me and decided to leave for good without properly saying goodbye.

Talking about a goodbye, that's also one of the things where I'm worst at. I've cut ties with few people without words because it was simply too hurt for me, and I left certain places without a proper parting words. I couldn't bring myself to do that like others can normally do. I have these weird feelings that people might will be annoyed and they wouldn't careless. Again, because I'm probably thinking about other's opinion too much, I ended up ignoring them and let them think of me as careless and quiet person so I don't have to explain myself. In the end, I'm so used with it that I truly become careless of my surroundings.

I guess if I were born as someone else, I would hate this version of me, and again, because I couldn't love myself enough, I'm feel like no one else would.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Ada Apa dengan Cinta 2


Entah darimana harus memulai, tapi ada sesuatu di film ini yang membuat saya begitu tersentuh dan menjadi addicted. Padahal saya tidak fanatik sama sekali dengan film pertamanya. Tapi, sesuatu dalam film ini membuat saya menontonnya hingga 3x berturut-turut, dan saya masih tetap mendapatkan kesan yang mendalam setiap kali. Ada Apa dengan Film ini?

Saat Ada Apa Dengan Cinta (2002) tayang, saya masih duduk di bangku SD, dan saya baru benar-benar memahami film pertamanya setelah saya berada di bangku kuliah, dan sejujurnya, saya merasa AADC adalah kisah romansa SMA yang sangat sederhana, hanya saja kisah ini menjadi berbeda karena ada balutan puisi-puisi indah dan soundtrack yang sangat berkesan. Kisah yang agak aneh sebenarnya, ketika dua pujangga dengan karakter yang jauh berbeda, saling jatuh cinta karena sama-sama menyukai puisi? And not to mention that they were only 17? Isn't that a little bit unusual? Saya pernah menonton film yang memiliki alasan jatuh cinta yang lebih kuat dari ini, tapi toh, hal yang tidak biasa ini malah meninggalkan kesan mendalam. 

Ada sesuatu dalam setiap karya Riri Riza yang selalu berhasil menyentuh sanubari, bahkan dari karya yang sangat sederhana sekalipun. Mungkin karena saya selalu jatuh cinta dengan kisah si introvert yang mencair oleh kehadiran seorang ekstrovert. Mungkin karena saya pun juga menyukai puisi. Dan mungkin karena chemistry Dian Sastrowardoyo dan Nicholas Saputra yang begitu natural sehingga saya tidak seperti menonton dua orang berakting. Namun, cukup berkesan saja tidak menjadikan AADC (2002) menjadi film favorit yang saya tonton berkali-kali, meski saya akui beberapa adegan iconic-nya terus saya ulang kalau lagi iseng, seperti saat Cinta membawakan puisi Rangga di cafe, atau saat perpisahan kedua insan ini di Bandara. Lagi-lagi, Riri Riza mampu menghadirkan adegan yang sederhana menjadi terlihat luar biasa indah.

Ada Apa dengan Cinta 2
"Karena seorang Rangga, rusak move on Sebelangga..."

Saya lupa membaca komentar ini dimana, tapi ini cukup mewakilkan cerita AADC 2, in hilarious way LOL. Film ke dua setelah 14 tahun ini pastinya diantisipasi oleh masyarakat luas yang menantikan kelanjutan kisah Rangga dan Cinta, dengan ekspektasi yang tinggi, karena itu menjadi sebuah kejutan ketika saya mendapatkan film ini justru dihadirkan dengan cerita yang ringan dan cara yang begitu sederhana, namun entah bagaimana, luar biasa berkesan.

Berbahaya dan sangat beresiko sebenarnya, untuk menjadikan sequel dari sebuah film fenomenal yang ditunggu banyak orang ini menjadi kisah yang sederhana, karena orang-orang mengharapkan kisah yang lebih dramatis dan lebih banyak twists menegangkan dan, kalau yang saya baca dari beberapa komentar, mereka berharap film ini bisa dibuat lebih menyedihkan. Lalu, bagaimana bisa, sebuah kesederhanaan cerita dalam film ke dua ini justru meninggalkan kesan yang mendalam? Again, it's Riri Riza's magical hands who managed to do it. I guess when he told his Laskar Pelangi fellas to go to film school to know how to make a good movie, he really mean it. Bukan berarti orang-orang yang membuat film dan belajar secara otodidak tidak lebih baik dibanding mereka yang bersekolah film, tapi dalam karya Riri Riza dan Mira Lesmana yang merupakan lulusan Institut Kesenian Jakarta, saya selalu menemukan hal yang berbeda dan memiliki makna tersembunyi, dibanding film-film lain. Riri membuktikan bahwa dari sebuah kesederhanaan pun, kita masih tetap bisa membuat film yang bagus dan bermakna.

Puisi Rangga
Puisi masih menjadi daya tarik utama. Jaman sekarang, saat segala hal yang terlalu 'puitis' dianggap cheesy atau gombal, kata-kata sastra nan indah kembali menjadi sesuatu yang mahal di film ini. Puisi-puisi karya M. Aan Mansyur yang dibawakan dengan suara dalam dan khas Nicholas Saputra sukses membuat siapa saja yang mendengarnya merinding. Tidak hanya itu, bahkan AADC 2 benar-benar merilis buku kumpulan puisi dan foto Rangga dengan judul "Tidak Ada New York" hari ini. Bukan hanya memajukan perfilman Indonesia, tapi juga menyumbang karya dalam dunia sastra dan mengangkat kembali keindahan kata-kata sebagai sesuatu yang membanggakan.

Pasangan Legendaris milik Indonesia
Kalau Hollywood punya Leonardo DiCaprio dan Kate Winslet, Bollywood punya Shah Rukh Khan dan Kajool, maka Indonesia punya Dian Sastrowardoyo dan Nicholas Saputra. Pasangan on screen legendaris yang memiliki chemistry nyata dan natural saat berada di satu film. 14 tahun berselang setelah film pertama, tapi karakter dan chemistry mereka tetap kuat, saya seperti tidak menonton dua orang berakting, saking naturalnya interaksi keduanya di film ini. Tidak heran kalau penonton dibuat senyum-senyum sendiri seperti Cinta yang tidak bisa menyembunyikan sumringahnya saat bersama Rangga. Tidak perlu banyak adegan romantis, keduanya mampu membuat penonton terkesima hanya dengan melihat keduanya saling tersenyum.

Konflik yang Realistis
14 tahun bukan periode yang singkat dalam fase hidup seseorang. Persahabatan SMA yang mengalami naik turun dan menjalani hidup masing-masing pun adalah hal yang lumrah sehingga ketika genk Cinta tidak mampu ada saat Karmen mengalami konflik dalam pernikahannya yang menyebabkan Karmen sempat memakai drugs pun sangat dipahami.

Alasan Rangga meninggalkan Cinta banyak dinilai sebagai pengecut dan lemah, saya pun mengakui hal ini. Why didn't he tried harder? Why did he gave up? Tapi, mungkin, hanya orang-orang yang juga pernah mengalami titik dimana dia memutuskan untuk menyerah sebelum akhirnya bangkit lagi yang cukup mau atau bisa memahami ketakutan Rangga. Pemuda penyendiri yang dari kecil harus menerima ayahnya menjadi cemoohan orang-orang, ditinggal ibunya dan saudara-saudaranya, lalu ditinggalkan ayahnya dan harus hidup sendiri di negeri orang. Some people are lucky enough to be able to be strong all their lives, but it's not a shame when someone has to face cruel reality and became weak at one point of his life. I felt pity for Rangga and found myself teared up a bit when I found out his true reasons to leave Cinta, simply because he didn't have confidence on himself. Man, that's sad, really.


9 tahun pun bukan periode yang sebentar untuk seseorang move on dari patah hati pertamanya. Lalu, kenapa Cinta begitu lemah, hanya dengan waktu yang sangat singkat, semua perasaannya pada Rangga kembali lagi? Apa yang dilakukannya 9 tahun ini? Mungkin ini yang dinamakan jodoh, atau kebodohan. Entahlah, tapi kita semua tahu bahwa AADC memang tentang Rangga dan Cinta, maka jika kisah ini dipusatkan pada perasaan mereka, ini seharusnya bukan hal yang aneh. It took me 5 years to be completely over my first love, and I still have soft spot for him for some reasons. So, 9 years is not long enough actually. 

"Jika ada seseorang yang terlanjur menyentuh inti jantungmu
Mereka yang datang kemudian hanya mampu menyentuh kemungkinan.."

Berdamai dengan masa lalu, bukan berarti melupakan masa lalu. Ia selalu bisa menjadi pelajaran berharga. Ia bahkan bisa menjadi masa depan. Tergantung bagaimana kita menyikapinya. Karmen yang berhasil lepas dari narkoba. Rangga yang memutuskan untuk memaafkan dan berdamai dengan ibunya. Dan Cinta yang tak pernah mau kalah pada logika, namun selalu mengikuti kata hatinya pada akhirnya. 

Pesan yang sederhana. Film yang sederhana. Namun bagi saya pribadi, kesan yang ditinggalkan lebih dari sederhana. Ada sinematografi yang indah, kesenian yang unik, dan kecintaan terhadap kopi disana. Hanya beberapa nilai tambah untuk saya yang juga penikmat seni dan kopi. When it comes to phenomenal, I know I can always trust Riri Riza and Mira Lesmana.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Social Anxiety Experiences #1

Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

It's been a while since I wanted to write about my social anxiety experiences and how to overcome it. Although I'm still not sure if I'm good at it. Most people don't understand how much anxiety could affect a person's life, they tend to judge social anxiety people as too shy, naturally quiet, to the point that their quietness become annoying. The thing that people don't know is, social anxiety is really dangerous, it could even ruin someone's life, unless they learn how to deal with it. 

I've been having social anxiety since I was a kid for as long as I can remember. I got so terrified with new environment, my head starts imagining things that makes me scared, and it takes me at least a year to really get to know a person and accept him/her into my life. But as I grow up, I realized that I need to get over this thing soon, it started ruining my life so I know I need to do something about it. So, I joined an organisation in my senior year and learned to mingle with many more people. I joined Mabit Nurul Fikri and I guess it kinda worked to make me less shy and be more active in life than I had ever been before. 

I've had been doing pretty well dealing with my social anxiety until 2014, I started getting worse again and this thing hits me harder than it ever did until now. It already makes my life completely messed up ever since. Now, in order to 'heal' myself again, I feel the need to share some of those experiences when my social anxiety hits me. I wish by writing it down, I could analyze myself and the situation where I was in, and learn to overcome it if I ever bump into the same circumstances in the future.

Skipping A Lot of Classes due to Tardiness

I went to college which was quite far from my house, it takes at least 30 minutes by motorcycle if there was no traffic in Jakarta and an hour by bus. I knew I should have tried harder to get to school without being late, but anyway, I got this weird habit that I can't do my best unless it involves my passions. I never late when I had to sing in early morning with PSM. I never late to go to any of Mabit events. But college happened to be something I don't really like. I didn't put my best effort to get to school earlier and as result, I was late for classes pretty often.

And unlike other normal students who could just go into class after being late for at least 15 minutes, I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to get in class, especially if the teacher was already in. I got this weird ideas about my classmates would all be watching at me when I walked in, and whispered my tardiness to the friend next to them, and talked about how I never got into any of class's events and yet still dare to be late (there is no connection between this at all but my mind can't stop being negative at that time). I couldn't help but imagine the teacher would scold me in front of the class and would yell at me. I didn't know how could I think so negatively when in real life, I know my classmates couldn't careless about my tardiness, given the fact that I didn't really talk a lot with any of them, they would probably ignore me when I walked in. But still, whenever I got late into class, I couldn't get myself in, all I did was standing in front of the class, let my mind threaten me with its horror imagination about my classmates and teacher, and in the end I would ended up waiting there in front of the door, hoping someone would be late as well so I could go into class with him/her. At least, I won't be scolded alone.

It was always my own thoughts that scared me to death. I was once being thrown out of class because I was late, and ever since then, I had this funny feeling that that teacher hated me and would remember me as bad student, and I felt like all teachers would treat me the same if I ever got late into class again. This is surely only happened in my mind. Later, I learned that it was not as bad as I thought. I learned that my teacher was just in bad mood that day and he greeted me casually the next day we met. I always learned that my classmates aren't as terrible as I thought, since they still give me their helping hands when we had exams (if you know what I mean), and every terrible things only exists in my brain. 

But if you have social anxiety, these things keep coming to you and you can't help it. The thing you can do best is trying really... really hard to remind yourself that it won't be as bad as you expected. It would be much easier when I had a good friend who understands my condition so well, they made it much easier for me to carry on with my college life. I really need to thank them for those encouragements, I needed them most at that time. I guess without them, I wouldn't be able to finish my college or get into any classes. I mean it. They are so precious.


***

On the bright side, I became a bit more aware of other people who seem to have social anxiety as well. It's not something that you can recognize so easily, it's something that needs depth understanding, and the willingness from the other party to learn about a person's anxiety. It was always in our brain, and we're the only ones who can fight it. We have to fight our demon everyday but with a friend besides us, it makes it more easier. For people with social anxiety, even just one simple kindness could give enormous power for us. Maybe that's why the Prophet SAW said that a smile counts as form of worship. Because that one simple act of kindness really help us a lot.

Thank you for reading

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.



Tuesday, April 19, 2016

A Letter For A Bestfriend

Things have changed between us
We're no longer laughed together
We didn't call each other anymore
I don't even know what are you to me now?

Maybe it was my decision to leave you
Maybe I'm just being selfish
Maybe I should be more forgiving
Maybe I should be more understanding

But you didn't even try to hold me from leaving
You didn't even try to call me and ask
You are fine with my absence
You still laugh the same way eventhough it's not with me

I wish I could turn back time
I wish I could save you from your mistakes
I wish I could protect you from your sins
I wish I could be there when you needed me

But, aren't we all sinners?
Who am I judging you from your mistakes?
I made mistakes too
So, why can't I just forgive you for yours?

Maybe I'm just being selfish again
Maybe because you never ask for it
Maybe I'm just not a good person
Or maybe... you just don't want to be saved

Monday, March 21, 2016

Getting Worse

I found myself in the darkest moment ever lately. Almost as terrible as my 2014, and seems like it's getting even worse. I found myself shutting down other people and walking even further away from anyone else. I suffered from a terrible heartche each day, the wound seems to be growing severe and I completely have no idea how to heal it.

I become a bad person, in and outside. I felt irritated all the time and couldn't help but annoyed by everyone's existence. But at the same time, I know it's not right. It's like my soul is being ripped apart into two different personalities. And now I often hear these two fighting inside of me, telling me what's right and what's not from their own perspectives (this is kinda confusing since they are the voices within me, so they are basically my own perspectives, but you know what I mean!)

For example, when I'm annoyed by my friend's joke, two of my personalities will fight to decide:

BAD: She is so annoying, how can she joke about something that sensitive?
GOOD: Well, I'm sure she didn't mean it to offend anyone, and no one gets hurt by her joke so why do you even care?
BAD: What? No, it's not right to make the joke out of something like that? Didn't she know it crossed the line and you never know if it hurts anyone.
GOOD: But I'm sure everyone is mature enough to understand her true meaning is just to entertain others.
BAD: Well that's not very entertaining for me, stop acting like you're not bothered by it.
GOOD: Well that's your problem!
BAD: Shut up!
GOOD: YOU SHUT UP!

And it goes on inside of my head, lately, it's happening all the time. And usually when that happens, I decide to be quiet, and even when my angers are building up, I keep it inside, 'til I unconsciously hitting my hand, or my face, and when I finally speak up to very few people whom I trust enough to see the darkest part of me, I would say a lot of bad things, not to them, but mainly about what I'm feeling, and when I finally get into my sense, I'd feel bad for them for listening to my rants which totally have nothing to do with them and even annoyed them maybe.

It's like I'm surrounded by dementors everyday and I have no happiness left to conjure strong patronus.

This is really bad.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Mr. Wordless

Hari ini aku menggali lubang masa lalu yang telah kukubur dalam-dalam. Hanya karena sebuah lagu lama yang menjadi teman kisah kita selama beberapa tahun itu. Lalu, aku kembali jatuh cinta. Apakah padamu? Ataukah hanya pada kenangan akan dirimu? Yang aku tau, kamu adalah salah satu dari kisah favoritku. 

Boleh aku sedikit bernostalgia? Bercerita tentangmu? Sudah lima tahun sejak terakhir kita bertemu, tak sedikitpun bayangan tentangmu menghantuiku seperti hari ini. Aneh bukan, hanya karena sebuah lagu, aku membuka kembali sejarah lama yang masih tersimpan rapi itu, entah bagaimana bisa ia masih ada. Lalu, kamu tau apa yang terjadi? Aku menangis. Aku menangis begitu saja, seolah semua yang ada di masa itu kembali kepadaku. Tawa itu. Canda itu. Ledekan itu. Dan tanda-tanda itu. 

Saat itu kamu adalah orang yang terkenal, digemari banyak orang. Lalu, kita bertemu, dan kita berfoto berdua untuk pertama dan terakhir kalinya. Aku hanya satu dari ribuan orang yang mengagumi kamu, lalu bagaimana bisa takdir membawaku pada sebuah pertemanan, denganmu, meski hanya melalui dunia maya. Bagaimana bisa, setelah dari sekian banyak wanita yang menyapamu, hanya aku yang kamu tawarkan persahabatan? 

Saat itu aku hanya pemimpi, penuh khayal, bagiku kamu begitu tinggi, tak terjangkau, karena itu ketika kamu memberikan ku lebih dari apa yang aku khayalkan, aku merasa seperti dongeng telah menjadi nyata dalam kehidupanku. Kamu adalah seseorang, sedangkan aku hanya bayangan, tapi kamu melihatku, dan menjadikan aku penting, atau paling tidak membuatku merasa begitu.

Ada jarak yang jauh, hanya melalui telepon, YM, SMS, BBM, twitter, dan social media, kita berbicara setiap hari, hampir sepanjang waktu. Kamu memanggilku dengan sebutan itu begitupun aku. Kita saling mencari saat satu sama lain tak bisa dijangkau, saling meledek, saling berbagi kisah, dan akhirnya aku kembali menemuimu lagi, ke tempatmu tinggal, ke negeri impian itu, dimana semua mimpi menjadi nyata. 

Kamu bersama orang lain, begitupun aku, tapi apa yang kita lakukan. Kita jahat, kita saling peduli dan mencari cara untuk tetap bisa berkomunikasi dalam rahasia, tanpa perlu menyakiti orang yang menyayangi kita. Tapi, pada akhirnya kita menyakiti mereka. Kita saling menjauh. Lalu, kamu datang lagi. Kamu berada begitu dekat denganku, lebih dari sebelumnya. Dan kita, bertemu lagi. Berbicara lagi. 

Lalu, semua berakhir. Kita menyudahinya tanpa ada perpisahan. Tanpa ada penjelasan, apakah senyuman dan pembicaraan setiap hari kita selama 3 tahun itu adalah tanda yang kamu kirimkan? Apakah pernah dalam sehari saja, kamu merasakan debaran yang kurasakan terhadapmu? Apakah pernah terbersit sedikit saja dalam benakmu, tentang keberadaanku? Apakah dalam canda dan ledekan yang kamu kirimkan nyaris setiap detik itu, ada sedikit saja rasa untukku?

Kamu menghilang dari hidupku, begitupun aku menghilang dari hidupmu, setelah hampir 3,5 tahun kamu mengisinya. Tak ada satu hari pun dalam hidupku tanpa pesan darimu saat itu. Apa yang terjadi? Aku tidak tahu, mungkin itu memang waktu yang tepat, untuk aku mengakhiri apa yang selama ini menjadi khayalanku, dan melepaskanmu, yang ternyata akan selamanya terlalu tinggi untuk kuraih. 

Aku merindukanmu, mungkin bukan dirimu, tapi kenangan tentangmu. Kenangan yang sangat berharga bagiku, dimana aku belajar menjadi manusia yang lebih baik kala itu, dan bahkan berprestasi di sekolah dan bisa meraih PTN, itu semua kamu yang menjadi motivasinya. Kamu mungkin tidak tahu, dan tak akan pernah tahu. Tapi, aku ingin berterimakasih. Atas segala yang terjadi, atas waktu yang kamu berikan, atas pertemanan yang kamu tawarkan. Kamu mengubah hidupku kala itu, dan semoga dimanapun kamu sekarang, kamu menjalaninya dengan baik tanpa kekurangan suatu apapun.

Terimakasih ya, Anak Kecil. Merkuriusku. Mr. Wordless-ku.
Terimakasih pernah membuat khayalanku menjadi kenyataan.

Music and Me?



Assalamualaikum. Wr. Wb.

Eventhough I'm blessed with musical talents from my Dad's blood and my mother put me in a lot of artistic and musical courses/events, I'm not really into music. Or should I say, I'm no longer passionate about it. Unlike most of my friends who are so passionate about music to the point that they remember so many songs, and always stay updated with the newest hits and eager to perform in front of people.

I love music, it's definitely one of my favorite escape from reality, but to me, that's what music is all about now. A beautiful escape that could make me wander to the most beautiful fantasy, and lift up my spirit to the new world. When it comes to music, just like with my social life, I only have very few favorite musics that I could listen for so many times, because it reflects my feeling, and some of them were so meaningful because they remind me of few experiences and unforgettable events in the past, or to certain someone and story.

I do enjoy performing, but not really passionate about it, maybe because I'm shy and I'm feel like want to throw up whenever I'm on stage by myself, so I kinda give up with dream of become a star on stage, lol. Not only because I felt awkward most of the time, but because I can't memorize so many songs like most of performers did. Or maybe I just don't want to because I'm lazy. Oh well...

Anyway, here's the list of few of my favorite songs and why they stuck in my head and make me giggle on the inside whenever I listen to it.

1. First Love 
This was probably the first English song that I could memorize, 'cause I used to hate English. When I was in Elfa's, my coach gave me this song at our first rehearsal. I have a special spot for 'the first time' related things lol,

2. Reflection
This was the first English song that I performed in front of audience. Elfa's held some kind of concert every 3 months and everyone should perform solo. I really like this song because it was, you know, another first time experience for me to perform on real stage with real audience. Also, as I grow up, I learn about the song and I could related to it. I don't even have to tell you why I felt related to this song. Just listen to the lyrics LOL. 

3. Memory
I was just the background singer for this song with many of teenagers in Elfa's, performing medley Jellicles Cat and Memory. It was one of the best memories I had in Elfa's. We rehearsed for a month everyday, and for the first time I got to know about Broadway musical. We performed exactly the same way like the Broadway casts did, with cat's costumes and hair and mask, we danced and sang and acted like insane cats lol. It was fun and I really miss those days. And yes, as I grow up, I learn about this song and its meaning, and again, I felt related to its lyrics, so it's a mixed feeling between sadness and happiness of the good old days.

4. Flying Without Wings
I love Westlife since I was a kid, and I literally had no idea what this song is about when I was a kid, I just simply fell for the music and Mark's voice. And as I grow up and learn about its lyrics, I realized that this song was probably made in heaven. It's really beautiful and tells about so many form of love. And how those things can make us feel like flying without wings.

5. Angel's Wings
Another beautiful piece from Westlife, it tells about a happiness of a father who welcome his newborn baby and put his admiration and love into a beautiful song. If you have special connection with your parents, you'll feel so overwhelmed with this song.

6. Hingga Ujung Waktu
This is still my favorite song from Sheila on 7, and I didn't even understand the meaning behind its poetical lyrics when I was a kid, but I fell for its music and the words. Yes, it's a love song which later I learn and it makes my heart feel warm after I finally understand its fully meaning. I keep thinking that I want this song to be played on my wedding day, hopefully with S07 as the guest star lol.

7. Waktu yang Tepat 'Tuk Berpisah
Again, this is another masterpiece from Sheila on 7, and I couldn't understand its poetical lyrics until recently. I know it's a sad song, but I couldn't really understand it sarcastic yet very poetic lyrics before. Now, that I finally understand, it got me teared up everytime I listen to it, especially because I've had few goodbyes and separation. It tells you a story about goodbye who seemed beautiful, but secretly hide a sad and heartbreaking feeling, and yet you have to stand strong and just let go. 

8. Two is Better than One
This is the soundtrack of my unrequited love for three years during my highschool days and half-of my 1st semester in college, with long distance friend, LOL. The lyrics kinda reflect what happened to me and my crush: I fell in love at the first sight, and I remember all the things about him on our first meeting, and we had this friendship for 3 years, we both had nicknames for each other, and he even made secret account so he could talk to me without making anyone jealous. At that time, I sacrificed a lot of things for him, and even go across the ocean for him (literally). But yeah, it was beautiful unrequited love which make me be a better person at that time. But it ended.  But it was definitely a story that I would cherish because eventhough it was childish and sad, it felt like fairy tale to me ~~

Music is my beautiful escape and each of my favorite song is the soundtrack of certain important events that give me warm feeling whenever I listen to it. The memories come alive and I think this is more than just performing materials. 

See you in the next Music and Me Post...

Wassalamualaikum. Wr. Wb. 

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Dear Zahrika Prastamia

Hey, Mia...

I wonder if you would ever read this post. I've been wondering where you are, where you've gone, you completely disappear from our lives. It's been almost 2 years since the last time I saw you. I don't know your phone number, and you're disappear from all of social media.

Where are you? Are you okay? We miss you, you know.

We're still struggling to graduate from college, all of us, me, Mella, Diah, Wardah, and Amel. We're still in contact with each other and sometimes we meet at school. We're wondering where you are. We're even planning to get your address so we could go to your house. You're one of very important people in my college lives. You saved me in many exams and I don't want to lose you just like that. I don't refer a lot of people as my bestfriend, but to me, you're one of those very few people.

Where are you? Are you healthy? Do you remember us?

I'm working now, and it's so much harder to work on my thesis and also trying to finish all of my studies. I miss our intellectual conversations after classes or during classes (although most of the time it's only you and Wardah talking lol), I miss your existence and your coolness and indifference towards a lot of things lol.

Where are you? I sincerely wish you're doing fine

I just want you to know that you have me, Mella, Wardah, Diah, and Amel, who are here to support you and miss you so much. I want you to know how much we pray that all of us will succeed together in the end, in our own way. If I could get a chance to meet all of you again, I want all of us to go somewhere, far from college, and just travel for fun. We have never done that, right? We only meet at college. I regretted that I was so caught up with PSM and never spare my time to meet you guys outside the college.

Where are you? I wish you read this post somehow.
If you do read it, please let me know that you're still around, that you're not really gone. There's so many things that I wish I could tell you. You were one of very few people who understand me. We're one and the same, although you're a lot smarter haha.

Anyway, I wish wherever you are, you're doing great and be healthy.
We miss you. A lot.

Friday, February 12, 2016

To The One We Love the Most

What have we done to you? How could we let the tears fell from your eyes? We're sorry that we didn't lift up to your expectations in education or work. We choose the work we love and we prefer to be independent, do everything on our own feet. When we told you that want to make your life easier, how could those intentions hurt you so bad? How could you never try to understand that all we're trying to do is to build our own pride and confidence by being a little more independent. We're no longer kids, we're trying to prepare the life of our own. We need you. We will always need you. But, not in materialistic things only. The things that make us stand strong up until now is your love, prayer, and support to us. Your strength and independence in working so hard to bring us this far is the thing that inspired us to become independent as well. We want to be like you. 

Don't you understand that we love you so much to the point that we can't bear to see you burden all of our needs by yourself? We have been watching you for so long, your hardwork and so many things you have done for us. You're our inspiration. We want to help you a little bit by being able to support ourselves on our own at least. But you take that as something that disrespect you. You're hurt by that. You keep blaming us everyday and tell us that we don't need you. Eventhough we tell you each time that we will always need you. But what we need is your support and faith in us. Morally and mentally. That's the strongest thing that we need from you. We need it so much. We need your kind words and faith in us, we need your prayer and support in us. So, please let us learn to support our materialistic needs on our own, while you keep pushing us to move forward and reach our dreams. 

When we said that we don't want to burden you, there is no intention to hurt you nor to disrespect your pride, nor even to underestimate you. We're sorry if that have hurt you. We love you so much. We want to make your life a little bit easier, eventhough we will never be able to pay you back, no matter how much we work hard our entire life, the things you give to us are irreplaceable and will forever be the reasons for us to keep on living. So, please. Forgive us for our intention. Forgive us for never succeed in bringing happiness into your life. And thank you for still standing next to us, no matter how disappointment of children we are to you, thank you for keep staying with us.

We love you
We love you so much
But we're sorry if our love hurt you instead
We didn't mean it to hurt you
We're sorry
We're sorry, Mom

Monday, January 18, 2016

Jangan Ganggu!

Aku tahu kalau hidup ini bukan sekadar kesedihan. Pasti akan ada arus yang membawa kita berputar mengalami jatuh dan bangun. Lalu, bagaimana bisa diri ini terperangkap begitu lama dalam suramnya kesendirian? Padahal ia dikelilingi orang-orang. Aku tak tahu, apa yang aku cari? Apakah sekelilingku nyata adanya? Ataukah hanya fana, sehingga meski dekat, tak bisa aku benar-benar merasakannya?

Lalu, orang-orang yang bahagia, bisakah mereka terus berbahagia saja tanpa harus mengomentari kesedihan orang lain? Toh, aku juga tak akan membawanya ikut dalam duniaku. Jika kalian bahagia, baguslah, nikmatilah, tak perlu menyakiti orang lain yang kalian rasa menyedihkan dengan kata-kata kalian. Jika tak berniat menenangkan, maka menjauhlah, tinggalkanlah, biarkan aku terpuruk sendirian.

Aku pun berusaha. Aku pun mencari. Aku pun bertahan. Aku pun juga ingin meraih kebahagiaan itu. Maka meski aku berbeda, tak perlulah kau ikut campur, apalagi mengganggu hanya karena sekedar ingin tahu. Aku akan menemukan kebahagiaan, sekarang atau nanti, aku pasti temukan. Meski sekarang mungkin masih jauh, dan aku masih sendirian. Itu lebih baik. Meski aku masih terperangkap dalam kesedihanku sendiri, aku akan belajar untuk lebih kuat. Pada akhirnya kita semua akan bahagia.

Tapi, kesedihan juga bukanlah bencana, apalagi kesalahan yang harus ditutupi. Maka biarkan ia mengalir. Dan semoga kesedihan itu akan menjagaku, agar tidak meninggi hati, apalagi merasa lebih baik dari siapapun. Kesedihan itu akan menjadi pintu kebahagiaanku, untuk menyadari betapa berharganya ia ketika ia datang nanti.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Misleaded

Maybe I was falling in love with you for longer than I thought
Maybe behind those laughs and togetherness, I secretly wish that you felt the same
Maybe I thought that you were just waiting for the right moment
Maybe I saw this friendship as something much deeper than what it really is
Maybe I thought that we had a future together

You were the first person who acknowledged me and needed me by your side
You were the first person who choose to call me when you were sad
You were the first person who told me that my existence calm you down
You were the first person who made me believe that I'm good enough
You were the first person that showed me your weaknesses

And I didn't realized up to this point that I might have fallen for you for a long time
And maybe that's why it hurts so much to find out the truth
And maybe that's why I got disappointed eventhough I probably already knew the truth
And maybe that's why I still had this trauma no matter how many times I tried to overcome it
Maybe because I finally realized that I.... was in love with you

Now I know that all the calls you made was not for me but for someone else
Now I know that you needed me by your side only so you can have someone else
Now I know that never had even the slightest feeling about me
Now I know that I was just a shadow to accompany you and someone else
Now I know that I was meaningless

I wish I didn't know
I wish I didn't find out the truth
I wish I didn't care too much
I wish I didn't meet you
I wish I didn't fall in love with you
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