Monday, September 21, 2015


Today I learned something about myself. I'm more naive than I thought I am. I always put my feelings way too deep in everything I do and that is why I often hurt myself from expecting way too much from others. That's why I can't just ignore it when things go wrong in front of me. I know for a fact that things will get better for them. I know that it's not my capacity to do something or say anything. I know the thing that I thought was bad might not really as bad as it seems. But I just wish, somehow, people will at least show their concern, or someone will tell that lady that it's gonna be alright and ensure her that it's not as bad as she thought. That would be enough for me.

I remember the day before, my mom came home after work and she looked so down, and she told me that she was being misunderstood by her colleagues and no one was there for her at that time. I remember how sad my mom was, and that's why I felt related to the lady at my workplace. I know she might just misunderstand things, but I see her face and how she looked almost cried. I remember my mom and I'm feel like I should do something to her. But I don't know what to do, and I see that in front of me, my colleagues didn't seem to be bothered by what just happened in front of them. 

Oh, well... maybe it's just casual things that always happen. And maybe I was being overthinking. But still I think it would be much better if someone actually tried to cheer up the lady. So, I ran downstairs in hoping to catch her up and maybe talk a bit to make her feel better, but she's gone already. And I couldn't help but felt guilty.

Again, this is just me being too overthinking and a bit shocked on the new working world that I just got in, and maybe soon or later I will learn to get use to it like the others. Maybe somehow I will learn to understand that I'm not responsible for everything and that everyone has their own problems. It's perfectly normal.

But still, if that happened to my mom, or even to me, I would hope for someone to cheer me up and ensure me that it's not as bad as I thought it was. And maybe that's why I will never fit in the modern lifestyle where people become so independent and careless about other people and that's considered normal. Oh, maybe that's just me. Maybe that's just my absurd mind.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Keep it to Yourself

The idea that you should never tell your worries or weakness to others
The idea that you should only keep your complains to yourself because self-pity is not cool
The idea that you have to remain strong and never disturb anyone with your sad story


Those ideas and rules really make me feel breathless. I tried my best to keep my problems to myself. I do share my worries but I tried to keep it not as transparent as possible because I know I should keep it to myself. For someone with social anxieties and abnormal mood and brain, those ideas really make me feel exhausted. I always feel like crying and telling people my problems. But I ended up putting on a flat face when something inside of me is actually exploding. It becomes terrifying at night, as I could not hold it in anymore. It becomes chaos within me, it drives me insane, and it happened every night.

Indeed, those rules somehow make me feel closer to God because I will only cry my heart out to Him. But somewhere deep down, I wish I would have at least one person to share these terrifying things and tell me that it's gonna be okay. 'Cause that's what I will do for my friends. But maybe if I never call them, they will never know if I needed them. I should never hope that somehow their 'BFF' instinct would make them aware of my condition. A simple, "You're okay today, right?" mean so much to me. I remember one friend actually ask me this and I still remember it 'til now. Simply because I remember they once cared. But I know that they also have their own problems. And the rules of 'keep your problems to yourself' should be applied here. That's why I never really call anyone 'though I'm feel like dying inside. This is not a movie where you can always depend on your bestfriend's instinct.

But still.
I wish it is.

A Friend?

Yesterday felt like fairy tale to me. I didn't believe it actually happened. But fate simply didn't connect us together today. Those signs and feelings that bestfriends supposed to have, we didn't have it. That makes me question this friendship? Is it real? Or is it just me who feel this way? Maybe I should have called you instead of hoping for your 'bff' instinct to realized that I was there, that I needed your presence. Or maybe I should stop expecting a helping hand from anyone whenever I felt depressed. Be it you or my parents. I should only tell my worries and anxieties to God.

I always remind myself to be independent, to free myself from getting addicted to anybody's presence to make me feel safe, but I always fail miserably. Do we really need a soulmate? Even God created Eve for Adam? Is it too much for me to expecting a soulmate too?

The more I grown up, the more I separate myself from the crowd, but at the same time, the more I'm afraid that I will somehow end up alone.