Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Rant on Skripsi

Salam...

I'm feel like writing something here, meski sebenarnya skripsi menunggu untuk dikerjakan, tapi entah kenapa selalu ada hal lain yg membuat gue tertarik melebihi ngerjain skripsi. I mean, I could have used my time to read a good book rather than sitting hours in front of my computer, reading something I completely don't like (journals, thesis, etc) and yes, I really am that uncool. I'm just suck at studying and when it comes to school stuffs, I usually fail. Not because I'm stupid, but because my laziness is bigger than earth. I find it very hard to concentrate. Beda dengan melakukan hal lain yang memang gue suka, kayak aransemen lagu (yess, I'm currently learning how to arrange song, sering keasikan di finale daripada buka skripsi), baca buku-bukunya Tereliye, baca partitur, baca postingan-postingan seru di internet yang insha Allah gak a waste of time, dan baru-baru ini keasikan bikin subtitle English buat video-video Nigahiga, lumayan bermanfaat buat melatih listening dan writing skills kan. See... it's not useless~ :p

I could spend hours on didyouknow page or surfing people's blogs to read their awesome knowledge and informations. Why can't skripsi be that interesting?

Iya sih, teori Barthes dan teori-teori skripsi lainnya itu juga ilmu, tapi bukan ilmu yang ingin gue geluti. I was just trying to find the easy way to finish skripsi by choosing such an easy theme for my thesis, but still, whenever I try to work on it, I got distracted by something else. As a result, I couldn't finish my thesis. Also, kayaknya gue punya masalah dengan lingkungan baru juga, karena beberapa kali gue nge-skip kelas atau mata kuliah yang belum gue ambil dan terpaksa harus sekelas sama junior, tapi setiap kali mau masuk kelas, entah gimana ceritanya, kaki ini gak bisa bergerak masuk, padahal udah di depan pintu. All of sudden, my mind would be filled with so many terrifying images where all these new kids and junior would scare me to death and judge me. I know it may sound exaggerating a little, but that's exactly what happened and that's one of the reasons why I failed my classes. Because I couldn't get into classes, because I was afraid, because I had such terrifying images, and that happened all the time.

So, who to blame? My B? My ADHD? My weak soul? Kalau ada yang bilang kita bisa mengendalikan diri kita dan pikiran kita, well, that's not working for me because most of the time, I can't. See, I always try to be positive when something bad happened, but when it comes to paranoid and weird imaginations? I need more help on that. Why do you think I always refuse to sing solo, or be the front man, or be in the spotlight for too long. That's because the longer I'm in there, the images of people who are watching me get more and more terrifying. This may sound unreal but this is what actually happened inside of my brain. See how messed up it is? And I know all of these problems may sound silly and stupid for normal people out there who don't have issue with their mind, but it is become a big problem for me.

I got easily distracted, like right now when I'm supposed to work on my thesis, I write a rant on blogpost instead. Or when I have to go to library to find some journals for my thesis, I always got distracted by other more interesting places. But yeah, I can handle it as long as I have strong will to fight all those distractions. Tapi, ketika sudah berhubungan dengan bayangan-bayangan mengerikan yang ada di kepala gue, most of the time, I fail to win against them. I only have one savior for this issue: Caffein

Yeah, caffein helped me through all of these issues (except the paranoid ones). At least, it makes my brain focus and more hyper so I can finish everything in one go. Hey, don't forget that I finished my first skripsi chapter in a night, and it got accepted right away by my lecturer. So, thanks coffee. I need more of those magic in my life.

Anyway... I think this post is getting more random and I should stop writing now before I'm getting more out of topic. I don't even know if this post has a good point or not.. well, I think it's just a rant so why expect a good point. Just.... just wish me luck okay.

Bye~

Monday, June 1, 2015

Secret

For this one matter, I will keep it as my secret
For this feeling, let it be my own treasure
For the first time, I can't share it to anyone
Because you are just that precious
And I'm too afraid of their judgment

I swear I will let you lay on me forever
I will shoulder all of your sadness and fears
I will never leave you
But let it be my secret, you don't have to know
I just want you to feel that you will never be alone

This is my way to show how grateful I am
For all the laugh that you give to me when I can't even smile
You don't know how much that means
To find a reason to smile while fighting my own demon inside
Thank you

I'm just like them, longing for you
Just like them, I adored you
But unlike them, my feeling is true
And I don't need you to give it back to me
I just want to make sure that you will always have a friend

And that's what makes me different from them
Because I will cherish you
And even without me, I want you to be happy
So, I keep your name in my prayers
And ask for God to take care of you

Let it be my secret
For my feeling and for your existence in my life
Let it just be my secret
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