Thursday, May 28, 2015

I Just Want You To Be Forgiving

I've been seeing you two fighting for the longest time, but I never get used to it. It sets my soul on fire everytime and I just want to cut myself when I see it again and again. It goes on. The more I grow up, the more I understand that things are not as easy or simple as they seemed. The more I care, the more I'm afraid. I try to talk to the two of you, all I want is for you two to see it from different perspective and point of view, and make you understand from each other's side.

No, I never try to lecture any of you. No, I never intend to be a rebel and make you sad. I just want to talk it out with you and make you understand that there's more to see than just your past mistakes. That you can try to forgive. That you can try to work together. That you have me who care and just want to make everything better for both of you.

But, you refuse to understand what I'm saying
You don't even try to listen to what I'm trying to tell you
Everything I said is a mistake
You keep saying that "you're not me and you don't know what I've been through.."

You know what? I actually know. I've always been there with you two, watching you. And I know that if only you two want to try to put your selfishness and ego aside, we can definitely work this out together with better understanding. I just want you to see from each other's perspective to see that it's not as bad as it seemed. I just want you to be forgiving.

But everytime, you refuse that helping hand. Everytime, you always say that I know nothing. No matter how many times I tell you that I just care and really want the best for you two, the words don't reach you. Everytime, everything I said is just a mistake for you.

I swear I never try to defend anyone. I swear that I love both of you equally. I swear that all I want is just your happiness. But it seems like you measure your happiness through the things that you can see, and that's what I can't give to you. Money is the start of all of these problems, and no matter how much I tell myself that money can't fix everything, life prove me that I was wrong.

What should I do now? I'm running out tears, my hands are numb from too much scratch that I created to lessen the pain I feel inside. All I want is for your happiness, and I'm truly sorry if I'm the reasons for your despair. I'm sorry if I can't lift up to your expectation until now. And if somehow getting separate ways is really the only way for you two to reach your happiness, then be it, I can't do nothing about it. The wound in my heart will keep getting bigger, but I won't let you see it, because I don't want anymore pain for you two.

I just wish that somehow, someday, you will try to understand me. I just wish that someday you will try to be forgiving, for you and for each other.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015


Happy birthday...

Because if it's not you who celebrate it for yourself, who else would be? It's not like you are famous or have that many friends, but still, I'm so grateful to those who actually remember it. Thank you, Maxi, PSM, Gupa, VJ, etc, etc... Thank God that you're given the chance to live a bit longer so you can fix yourself.

Light up some candles, make a wish, and be grateful!!

Monday, May 11, 2015

All Thoughts Packed in One Post


A friendly reminder that you will waste 3 minutes of your life if you're reading this lame post. Before you continue, I suggest you to open a new tab and open a better web to read.

Still want to continue?

Well, I've warned you.

The last time I wrote here was two months ago?! Wow, never thought that I would leave blog for that long, but now here I am again, in need for a place to let out my feelings, anxieties, troubles, etc.. LOL. Some things never change, aren't they?

I'm currently at the end of my college life, and I've never felt so stressed about it, simply because I always drawn to do the things that I love instead of what I must do. I'd rather do my job as cantora in choir and take care of those singing lessons, events, projects, etc, instead of doing my thesis. Seeing my friends graduated one by one were somehow really makes me happy, but terrified at the same time. I had issue with overthinking and I can't help but think that I might would never have a chance to graduate as long as I'm still doing the things I love, rather than what I must do. These thoughts keep bugging me, that's why my insomnia is getting worse, because all of those terrifying thoughts seemed to come to the surface of my mind when I'm alone. It's sucks to be someone who can only focus on the things she loves.

Maybe I'm just really a sucker for things like thesis and school stuffs like this. :-(

On a brighter note, I'm quite relieved that my job as cantora in PSM will be over this month. It means, I would finally be able to concentrate on my thesis. I'm having a lot of fun doing my job for two years in Artistic Department, and honestly, I think if I were asked to continue doing it, I will still agree to do it, because I understand more and more about my job and artistic and finally know what I want to do in it. Two years are not enough to build a strong artistic department, I think, especially when you began to understand what your job description is, and what you want to build and improve, you just want to continue doing it, and especially when you already feel so comfortable in it... But like the famous quotes said, nothing lasts forever. I know I have to put an end for myself and let the new kids replace me. I need to entrust my dreams and job to them and give them chance to learn, and especially let them feel the excitement of being in Artistic. It's always good when you're working for arts and that's why my thesis is always number 2, or maybe even 5 in my to-do-list lol. I'm not quite sure if I regretted it or not for being this way, but I know I'm happy for being able to do my best for the organisation that I love.

I don't know where my life is going to take me from now, honestly, I never really imagined my life without PSM, and I never imagined that I would be at this state of college. I know I should be the one who decide where I must going from now, decide things for myself, and created my future. But honestly, I'm just not that kind of cool person who has the guts to dream big or have their future set in their mind. All I know is I need to graduate this year, and continue doing the arts. I need to find a way to go to Japan somehow, and I still need to find a way to buy new camera. 

Wow, this post is so lame and has no good closure. Sorry that you have wasted your time reading it lol. I've warned you, though :p