Thursday, December 31, 2015

2015 in review

Time flies...

Suddenly, 2015 ends in a blink of an eye. It felt so fast, for me at least, compared to last year. What are you doing in this new year's eve? I guess I've stopped celebrating the new year's eve. Last year, during the fireworks moments, I was sleeping on the plane and didn't really remember that it was the time when people in the whole world were celebrating the new year. Come to think of it, this year turned to out to be so much better than I expected, not as amazing as 2013 which still remain as the best year of my life so far, but 2015 is somewhat.... a turning point for me. There are so many things that I could finally changed this year about myself whereas in 2014, I failed miserably and rather stuck in the most miserable point. Alhamdulillah...

1. Healed
I started 2015 with my heart overwhelmed with peace after I got back from my first umroh with my brothers. It's like my soul was re-charged into 250%. All of the things that hurt me in 2014, were healed after I went umroh. I just felt at peace for quite a while at that time, and definitely so much closer to Allah SWT, to the point that I decided to never wear any pants again and started wearing skirts and loose clothes. Although, I'm not yet perfect as muslimah, but I want to be better. It's baby steps, insha Allah, but I'll get there. Amin.


2. PSM UIN Jakarta
On November 2014, I decided to take a break from PSM UIN Jakarta, although I was still in charge as cantora, I still wanted to quit the job and tried to do something so they will replace me. I stopped coming to PSM UIN Jakarta, for 2 months. I told them that I wanted to focus on my thesis, when the truth is, I just wanted to escape. The reason for that was because I lost confidence. It's not like I had a lot of it, I don't even have 50% of confidence, and then suddenly I lost it even more, to a zero point. 

I failed in so many tests in 2014, such as choir audition or school stuffs. I felt worthless. I felt that I didn't deserved to be in that place any longer. I didn't want to have anything to do with choir anymore. I thought. But in January, my friend, Azis, who was (and still is) a conductor of PSM UIN Jakarta, asked me to be Artistic on Duty for PSM UIN Jakarta anniversary. So, I forced myself to come back and do my job, and ended up, stuck in PSM again.... until now. I didn't regret it though. I know that I can never leave a place that I called home. It remains as one of my comfort zones and I know I should never run from it.

3. Voice of Indonesia
I forgot when the audition was held, it was during January or February, but anyway, I decided to try again. I decided to test myself and see if I could change my weakness. Voice of Indonesia is so much different than most choirs. It's about your ability to sing solo, and your ability to perform and entertain people. It's showchoir. Something that I long desire, but didn't have enough confidence to have it.

So, I and my friend, Sabrin, decided to audition. I still remember the feeling that I got when I sing in front of Rio Silaen, the founder and coach of VOI. It was actually the first time that I didn't feel nervous, and I could sing with all my heart. I guess it has something to do with his piano skills too. He tried me with different keys, and he forced me to sing wholeheartedly. And I did. Maybe it's because the song too. I offered him 3 songs, but he tried me in On My Own from Les Miserable song the most.

So, yeah... I passed the audition. It was such a wonderful moment and experiences, learning, singing, and performing with Voice of Indonesia. They are different than most choirs, and the people in it were just so nice. This place taught me about professionalism in performing, without losing the soul in the song we sing.

Unfortunately, I had to resign on September 2015 because of so many reasons. I don't know if I regretted it or not, but I will be forever thankful for being able to be a part of them, eventhough only for short period. I will forever be a fan of VOI and looking forward to their performances. They give me back my confidence, and I'm thankful for it.

3. Album Garuda - PSM UIN Jakarta and Garuda Baseball
This is the last job that I had in PSM UIN Jakarta as Artistic on Duty. We worked on this album for about 2 months, I had to learn all the songs in it, find the singers, arrange the rehearsal, and stay in the recording studio with PSM. I worked with Tira to finish this album. It was tiring, we had to stay late outside every day. We spent most of our time at Kak Sattam's studio. Reading and learning new songs as fast as we can. I learned to manage my own anger and emotion when working with many different people and different personalities. I'm glad that because of this job, I got to know Kak Sattam better and, working with Kak Kromong again is just one of the best things ever.

The end of this project (for me at least) was at the anniversary of Garuda Baseball & Softball at FX. We performed most of the songs in this album. It was great, watching so many children who are passionate in sports, and singing for them. It was also the last time I ever conducted in a performance I guess. My job in PSM ended in a way that I could never forget. It was not magnificent concert, and rather a simple and fun event, but it was memorable. It made me me grateful to have PSM, and I'm grateful that 'til the last time, I can do a little thing for the organization that has given me so much.

4. Zaskia Sungkar Jakarta
Thanks to Adhya, now I worked at Zaskia Sungkar Jakarta boutique. Honestly, I never imagined myself, not even once, to work in a fashion company. It was never be my dream job at all... but who would have thought that it's not always dream that could make us happy? Sometimes, good environment and good people, could make it so much better than we thought it would be? This place might not be perfect as company yet, nobody's perfect indeed, and workplace is not heaven where there's no conflicts. Misunderstanding will always happen. but my bosses are one of the nicest people I ever met. My friends at work are nice and humble, even with such great talents, they remain down to earth. And when a workplace is filled with these kind of people, even if you're not working in your dream job, you will still be happy enough to live.

5. Friendship
I learned who or what  true friend is, and that true friend don't always refer each other as BFF or gank or any kind of label. They just prove it. It's not about BFF anymore, it's not about whom you spent most of your time with anymore. It's about the action rather than the person. Sometimes, we think of someone as our bestfriend, but we never knew if s/he thinks the same way about us. I called it one-sided love in friendship. And it happened to me.

Will it change our loyalty or feeling towards them? Maybe. Will it change my loyalty to them? No. Even after learned the truth about everything, I will not forget that they have painted so many beautiful memories in my life. We're only together to have fun, but for me, it means a lot. 

True friendship, they are true when they changed you into a better person. They don't tell you promises or call you bestfriend all the time, but when you need them, they will be there for you.


Come to think of it, I never really spend the new year's eve alone:
in 2015: I had my brothers and the whole Jamaah Surabaya with me on the plane, although we were asleep during the new year, lol

in 2014, I had Bayu, Adhya, Iqbal, Hafid, Syifa, and Nisa, we celebrated the new year at my house, although there was a feud between us but we through it all.

in 2013, I had Bayu, Adhya, Julian, Hafid, Gisti, Syifa, Mini, Nunena, Bhisma, Dandy, and Erni. We celebrated the new year at my house too.

In 2012, I had Kartika and Vina with me.

In 2011, I had my mabit friends and spent the rest of the night with Robby, Jihan, Bams, Kak Hen, kak Usman, Tari, Maya, Tyas, Bunda Dewi, dan Mia

We always celebrated the new year at my house because the fireworks are great in here. There are so many of them, so we don't have to go too far to witness great fireworks. There's a saying that you will spend the rest of the year with the people whom you've spent the new year's eve with. Tonight... I don't celebrate new year. I don't spend it with anyone. Does it mean I will spend the rest of 2016 by myself? 

We'll see~

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

An Option

What lies beneath this friendship? Is it real or is it just fantasy that you made for me?
Then when you feel like it, you could end it as you please?

Why invited me in the first place and made me believed that what we had was real?
Only to leave me all alone when you found new company?

I could never bear to see the sadness in your eyes, even if it's just a little.
But it seems that it doesn't matter for you to see me breaking?

I stayed awake for you to listen to all your worries.
But you left without even a goodbye once you feel better?

I ask you everyday about your well-being.
But I don't think that I crossed your mind even just a little.

I always have one-sided love
But to have one-sided love in a friendship that I believed was real
was so much more heartbreaking than having my heart torn by the guy I loved

If only I could just leave you as easy as the way you left me
I can't.

Maybe I'm the only one who need you and willing to be with you
in any condition and circumstances
while you only need me when you feel alone

You are my priority, but to you, I'm just an option
And yet, still... I can never leave you

Monday, October 19, 2015

True Happiness?

Maybe my soul has been attached to sadness and sorrow. I can never have a single day without being so depressed about so many things, but I keep it all inside. I couldn't scream. I couldn't yell at anyone. Everything just locked up inside of me while slowly growing into a very big, painful, wound. I'm saved by my faith. It makes me cried in my prayers. Maybe if I don't feel this sad everyday, I won't be able to get myself to Allah. Maybe I should feel this sad so I would beg for His comfort everyday. Maybe I should feel this much depressed so I would stay humble. Somehow, I learned that pain has become a big part of my life. And I through it all each night, eventhough I have to spend hours for crying instead of sleeping, but I always ended up the night with Him. If I were so happy, maybe I would be far from Him. Maybe the reason I was given this illness is because Allah wants me to stay grounded and give my soul and sadness only to Him. Because only after I felt this much pain, I would feel the most happiness after I give it all to Him.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Naive

Today I learned something about myself. I'm more naive than I thought I am. I always put my feelings way too deep in everything I do and that is why I often hurt myself from expecting way too much from others. That's why I can't just ignore it when things go wrong in front of me. I know for a fact that things will get better for them. I know that it's not my capacity to do something or say anything. I know the thing that I thought was bad might not really as bad as it seems. But I just wish, somehow, people will at least show their concern, or someone will tell that lady that it's gonna be alright and ensure her that it's not as bad as she thought. That would be enough for me.

I remember the day before, my mom came home after work and she looked so down, and she told me that she was being misunderstood by her colleagues and no one was there for her at that time. I remember how sad my mom was, and that's why I felt related to the lady at my workplace. I know she might just misunderstand things, but I see her face and how she looked almost cried. I remember my mom and I'm feel like I should do something to her. But I don't know what to do, and I see that in front of me, my colleagues didn't seem to be bothered by what just happened in front of them. 

Oh, well... maybe it's just casual things that always happen. And maybe I was being overthinking. But still I think it would be much better if someone actually tried to cheer up the lady. So, I ran downstairs in hoping to catch her up and maybe talk a bit to make her feel better, but she's gone already. And I couldn't help but felt guilty.

Again, this is just me being too overthinking and a bit shocked on the new working world that I just got in, and maybe soon or later I will learn to get use to it like the others. Maybe somehow I will learn to understand that I'm not responsible for everything and that everyone has their own problems. It's perfectly normal.

But still, if that happened to my mom, or even to me, I would hope for someone to cheer me up and ensure me that it's not as bad as I thought it was. And maybe that's why I will never fit in the modern lifestyle where people become so independent and careless about other people and that's considered normal. Oh, maybe that's just me. Maybe that's just my absurd mind.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Keep it to Yourself

The idea that you should never tell your worries or weakness to others
The idea that you should only keep your complains to yourself because self-pity is not cool
The idea that you have to remain strong and never disturb anyone with your sad story

Honestly

Those ideas and rules really make me feel breathless. I tried my best to keep my problems to myself. I do share my worries but I tried to keep it not as transparent as possible because I know I should keep it to myself. For someone with social anxieties and abnormal mood and brain, those ideas really make me feel exhausted. I always feel like crying and telling people my problems. But I ended up putting on a flat face when something inside of me is actually exploding. It becomes terrifying at night, as I could not hold it in anymore. It becomes chaos within me, it drives me insane, and it happened every night.

Indeed, those rules somehow make me feel closer to God because I will only cry my heart out to Him. But somewhere deep down, I wish I would have at least one person to share these terrifying things and tell me that it's gonna be okay. 'Cause that's what I will do for my friends. But maybe if I never call them, they will never know if I needed them. I should never hope that somehow their 'BFF' instinct would make them aware of my condition. A simple, "You're okay today, right?" mean so much to me. I remember one friend actually ask me this and I still remember it 'til now. Simply because I remember they once cared. But I know that they also have their own problems. And the rules of 'keep your problems to yourself' should be applied here. That's why I never really call anyone 'though I'm feel like dying inside. This is not a movie where you can always depend on your bestfriend's instinct.

But still.
I wish it is.



A Friend?

Yesterday felt like fairy tale to me. I didn't believe it actually happened. But fate simply didn't connect us together today. Those signs and feelings that bestfriends supposed to have, we didn't have it. That makes me question this friendship? Is it real? Or is it just me who feel this way? Maybe I should have called you instead of hoping for your 'bff' instinct to realized that I was there, that I needed your presence. Or maybe I should stop expecting a helping hand from anyone whenever I felt depressed. Be it you or my parents. I should only tell my worries and anxieties to God.

I always remind myself to be independent, to free myself from getting addicted to anybody's presence to make me feel safe, but I always fail miserably. Do we really need a soulmate? Even God created Eve for Adam? Is it too much for me to expecting a soulmate too?

The more I grown up, the more I separate myself from the crowd, but at the same time, the more I'm afraid that I will somehow end up alone.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Sampah

Halo. Apa kabar?
Saya hanya ingin meluapkan beberapa hal saja.

Alhamdulillah sekarang saya sudah bekerja (benar-benar bekerja, bukan sekedar freelance sana sini atau bantu orang translate artikel terus dibayar), tapi benar-benar bekerja, dimana saya harus datang ke kantor dari jam tertentu hingga jam tertentu, dan dibayar dengan gaji standar UMR. Alhamdulillah, ada kelegaan ketika saya membayangkan di awal bulan nanti, saya sudah punya uang sendiri untuk membiayai hidup saya, bahkan bisa berbagi dengan orangtua, adik, kakak, saudara... (amiiiin)

Tapi, sekarang masih akhir bulan. Seperti layaknya orang-orang, akhir bulan adalah masa dimana kantong menipis, apalagi saya yang notabene baru memulai pekerjaan ini. Harus rela tidak makan siang dan menggantinya dengan kopi yang bisa bikin saya merasa 'kenyang' demi berhemat. Ditambah lagi, saya masih harus bolak-balik kampus untuk latihan lomba Paduan Suara Penabur 2015. 

Iya. 

Saya masih aktif di kampus, di Padus lebih tepatnya. 
Skripsi saya? Entahlah. Sudah lupa. 
Kuliah yang terbengkalai? Entahlah. Semakin tak ingin menyentuhnya. 

Sementara orangtua terus menekan untuk lulus, dan melihat teman-teman bahkan junior saya satu persatu wisuda membuat beban itu semakin besar di pundak saya. Beban yang saya terus tekan dan tekan ke dalam, sehingga kadang membuat saya merasa sesak di malam hari ketika teringat lagi. Saya punya masalah berbeda dengan orang lain. Saya, merasa sangat sulit, ditambah minder, ketika harus bertemu teman kelas baru dan dosen baru. Sudah berapa lama saya mengalami hal ini, dan tak pernah berani mengungkapkannya pada orangtua saya atau siapapun.

Saya mungkin akan dianggap malas. Tidak apa-apa. Toh hanya sedikit orang-orang di sekitar saya yang memiliki social anxiety seperti saya, jadi mengharapkan orang-orang untuk mengerti hanyalah harapan yang sia-sia. Lagipula tak ada pentingnya mereka mengerti. Bukan urusan mereka juga.

Lalu, apa poinnya saya menulis disini? Tulisan yang jauh dari menginspirasi atau mengandung pelajaran berarti, hanya sekedar luapan hati yang sudah mengotori nurani. Berharap dengan menuliskannya, bisa paling tidak membuat diri saya lega, membuat sampah pikiran saya berkurang. 

Tapi sepertinya... sama saja. Tak ada bedanya. Tetap berat.

Friday, August 7, 2015

Breathless

Even until now, the words that you spoke to me still gave me heartache, and I don't know when will I be able to recover from this heartbreak. You, the one whom I trust and love the most, could said those hurtful things to me. Even when you saw me cried, you didn't stop. You kept saying as if I'm the worst human that ever been born in this earth. You made me feel worthless, you made me believe that maybe... my existence was just disappointment for everyone.

For you, I will never be good enough... I will never lift up to your expectation, I will make you disappointed again, no matter how much I've tried to be good enough.

I swear I cried in my prayer and the only thing I asked is for Him to take me away from this world. To free me from this pain. If my existence will only make you feel miserable, there is no point for me living in this world. I know I have no choice but to forgive you. But I wish my heart will easily heal itself. Sadly, it doesn't. Now, I'm feel like living in the emptiness. I'm still doing what I must to do, but my heart keeps aching all the time. It cries in silence.You mught have forgotten what you said to me in a blink of an eye, but for me, those words keep ringing in my ears all the time. I'm feel worthless all over again...

I don't want to feel that way. I beg for God to make me become for forgiving. I beg for God to give me amnesia. I beg for God to make me stronger.

But only this time, I'm feel like it's all useless. I'm so breathless. I want to end my life.
The only thing that keeps me away from committing these acts, is because I remember that it would be sinful to commit suicide. If I don't have Islam, I might would have killed myself last night.

...................................

I wish this damaged will be healed somehow.
Help me.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Daily Routine Change

1. I choose to stay awake after Fajr instead of fulfill my desire to sleep. It makes me feel less tired and more healthy. It was so difficult for me to sleep early and wake up early, and maybe that's why I often felt tired.

2. I choose to focus on my prayer, no matter how busy I might be, I will try my best not to fasten it and try to perform the best prayer. I've been praying since I was a kid, but I'm feel like these past few days, I finally knew how it felt to be completely 'khusyuk' to the point that I could cry in my sujood. It makes me feel relieved.

3. I choose to start wearing skirts and bigger clothes to cover my body, no matter how people say that I look fatter in it. I may have not been able to wear a completely syar'i clothes, but I'm trying my best, slowly, to reach that point. Honestly, bigger clothes do make me feel safer and more modest, and I'm feel so comfortable because nobody stared at me anymore with 'flirty' look. You know, eventhough you wear a hijab, if you don't wear it right, some irresponsible people would still treat you with less respect.

4. I choose to start reading books again, and it felt great. It's sad that I stopped reading a book for almost a year now, I don't know why I do that. I used to love reading so much. And when I finally come back to this habit (and found a really good book to start over), I'm feel like a part of me is completed. It makes me thirsty of reading. And what I mean is reading a real book, not articles or short stories, or gossip from internet. When I finished a really good book, I'm feel like something inside of me has been accomplished. I don't exactly know what that is, but it makes me feel like I've just travel to a new distant beautiful place.

5. I choose to lessen my make up, unless for occasional events such as concert, weddings, and something that require performance. I want to accept who I am. I never feel like I'm pretty, to be honest. Until few days ago, I still hated my own look and that's partially one of the reasons of my shyness. Ever since I was kid, I got bullied a lot. Kids around primary school age at that time didn't want to be friend with someone who's never placed in class ranking, has a brown skin, curly hair, and don't know how to talk properly. It kinda affected me to the point that I believed that I'm not pretty enough to be accepted. But as I grow up and getting to know more people, I realized that outer appearance is not the most important thing to be accepted. A good heart and good manner is more important than that. I didn't say we all have to act elegantly or pretend to be nice to be accepted, but let's try our best not to hurt anyone with our words or action. And put on a smile more often, that's the best make up we could share for free.

6. I choose to express myself not only through my writing, but in my real life and behavior as well, and that's the hardest thing to do. I have a serious issue with shyness, it took me a whole year to remember my classmates name in college and even until now, I still don't think I know them really well. That's partially because I never expressed myself in front of them. Tho, I think that being silent, sitting beside the windows, and putting on a flat face is also my daily expression, I realized that I never really say what I really want to say to my friends. This is something I need to change. Confidence to be who I wanna be. Sometimes I used excuse that being silent and introvert is also a part of me, but I know that's not the real case. Sure, I probably won't change into a very talkative person so suddenly, but at the very least, I will try to speak what I need to speak and tell what I need to tell. Wish me luck on this!! 

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Rant on Skripsi

Salam...

I'm feel like writing something here, meski sebenarnya skripsi menunggu untuk dikerjakan, tapi entah kenapa selalu ada hal lain yg membuat gue tertarik melebihi ngerjain skripsi. I mean, I could have used my time to read a good book rather than sitting hours in front of my computer, reading something I completely don't like (journals, thesis, etc) and yes, I really am that uncool. I'm just suck at studying and when it comes to school stuffs, I usually fail. Not because I'm stupid, but because my laziness is bigger than earth. I find it very hard to concentrate. Beda dengan melakukan hal lain yang memang gue suka, kayak aransemen lagu (yess, I'm currently learning how to arrange song, sering keasikan di finale daripada buka skripsi), baca buku-bukunya Tereliye, baca partitur, baca postingan-postingan seru di internet yang insha Allah gak a waste of time, dan baru-baru ini keasikan bikin subtitle English buat video-video Nigahiga, lumayan bermanfaat buat melatih listening dan writing skills kan. See... it's not useless~ :p

I could spend hours on didyouknow page or surfing people's blogs to read their awesome knowledge and informations. Why can't skripsi be that interesting?

Iya sih, teori Barthes dan teori-teori skripsi lainnya itu juga ilmu, tapi bukan ilmu yang ingin gue geluti. I was just trying to find the easy way to finish skripsi by choosing such an easy theme for my thesis, but still, whenever I try to work on it, I got distracted by something else. As a result, I couldn't finish my thesis. Also, kayaknya gue punya masalah dengan lingkungan baru juga, karena beberapa kali gue nge-skip kelas atau mata kuliah yang belum gue ambil dan terpaksa harus sekelas sama junior, tapi setiap kali mau masuk kelas, entah gimana ceritanya, kaki ini gak bisa bergerak masuk, padahal udah di depan pintu. All of sudden, my mind would be filled with so many terrifying images where all these new kids and junior would scare me to death and judge me. I know it may sound exaggerating a little, but that's exactly what happened and that's one of the reasons why I failed my classes. Because I couldn't get into classes, because I was afraid, because I had such terrifying images, and that happened all the time.

So, who to blame? My B? My ADHD? My weak soul? Kalau ada yang bilang kita bisa mengendalikan diri kita dan pikiran kita, well, that's not working for me because most of the time, I can't. See, I always try to be positive when something bad happened, but when it comes to paranoid and weird imaginations? I need more help on that. Why do you think I always refuse to sing solo, or be the front man, or be in the spotlight for too long. That's because the longer I'm in there, the images of people who are watching me get more and more terrifying. This may sound unreal but this is what actually happened inside of my brain. See how messed up it is? And I know all of these problems may sound silly and stupid for normal people out there who don't have issue with their mind, but it is become a big problem for me.

I got easily distracted, like right now when I'm supposed to work on my thesis, I write a rant on blogpost instead. Or when I have to go to library to find some journals for my thesis, I always got distracted by other more interesting places. But yeah, I can handle it as long as I have strong will to fight all those distractions. Tapi, ketika sudah berhubungan dengan bayangan-bayangan mengerikan yang ada di kepala gue, most of the time, I fail to win against them. I only have one savior for this issue: Caffein

Yeah, caffein helped me through all of these issues (except the paranoid ones). At least, it makes my brain focus and more hyper so I can finish everything in one go. Hey, don't forget that I finished my first skripsi chapter in a night, and it got accepted right away by my lecturer. So, thanks coffee. I need more of those magic in my life.

Anyway... I think this post is getting more random and I should stop writing now before I'm getting more out of topic. I don't even know if this post has a good point or not.. well, I think it's just a rant so why expect a good point. Just.... just wish me luck okay.

Bye~

Monday, June 1, 2015

Secret

For this one matter, I will keep it as my secret
For this feeling, let it be my own treasure
For the first time, I can't share it to anyone
Because you are just that precious
And I'm too afraid of their judgment

I swear I will let you lay on me forever
I will shoulder all of your sadness and fears
I will never leave you
But let it be my secret, you don't have to know
I just want you to feel that you will never be alone

This is my way to show how grateful I am
For all the laugh that you give to me when I can't even smile
You don't know how much that means
To find a reason to smile while fighting my own demon inside
Thank you

I'm just like them, longing for you
Just like them, I adored you
But unlike them, my feeling is true
And I don't need you to give it back to me
I just want to make sure that you will always have a friend

And that's what makes me different from them
Because I will cherish you
And even without me, I want you to be happy
So, I keep your name in my prayers
And ask for God to take care of you

Let it be my secret
For my feeling and for your existence in my life
Let it just be my secret

Thursday, May 28, 2015

I Just Want You To Be Forgiving

I've been seeing you two fighting for the longest time, but I never get used to it. It sets my soul on fire everytime and I just want to cut myself when I see it again and again. It goes on. The more I grow up, the more I understand that things are not as easy or simple as they seemed. The more I care, the more I'm afraid. I try to talk to the two of you, all I want is for you two to see it from different perspective and point of view, and make you understand from each other's side.

No, I never try to lecture any of you. No, I never intend to be a rebel and make you sad. I just want to talk it out with you and make you understand that there's more to see than just your past mistakes. That you can try to forgive. That you can try to work together. That you have me who care and just want to make everything better for both of you.

But, you refuse to understand what I'm saying
You don't even try to listen to what I'm trying to tell you
Everything I said is a mistake
You keep saying that "you're not me and you don't know what I've been through.."

You know what? I actually know. I've always been there with you two, watching you. And I know that if only you two want to try to put your selfishness and ego aside, we can definitely work this out together with better understanding. I just want you to see from each other's perspective to see that it's not as bad as it seemed. I just want you to be forgiving.

But everytime, you refuse that helping hand. Everytime, you always say that I know nothing. No matter how many times I tell you that I just care and really want the best for you two, the words don't reach you. Everytime, everything I said is just a mistake for you.

I swear I never try to defend anyone. I swear that I love both of you equally. I swear that all I want is just your happiness. But it seems like you measure your happiness through the things that you can see, and that's what I can't give to you. Money is the start of all of these problems, and no matter how much I tell myself that money can't fix everything, life prove me that I was wrong.

What should I do now? I'm running out tears, my hands are numb from too much scratch that I created to lessen the pain I feel inside. All I want is for your happiness, and I'm truly sorry if I'm the reasons for your despair. I'm sorry if I can't lift up to your expectation until now. And if somehow getting separate ways is really the only way for you two to reach your happiness, then be it, I can't do nothing about it. The wound in my heart will keep getting bigger, but I won't let you see it, because I don't want anymore pain for you two.

I just wish that somehow, someday, you will try to understand me. I just wish that someday you will try to be forgiving, for you and for each other.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

HBD23rd

Happy birthday...





Because if it's not you who celebrate it for yourself, who else would be? It's not like you are famous or have that many friends, but still, I'm so grateful to those who actually remember it. Thank you, Maxi, PSM, Gupa, VJ, etc, etc... Thank God that you're given the chance to live a bit longer so you can fix yourself.

Light up some candles, make a wish, and be grateful!!

Monday, May 11, 2015

All Thoughts Packed in One Post

Salam...

A friendly reminder that you will waste 3 minutes of your life if you're reading this lame post. Before you continue, I suggest you to open a new tab and open a better web to read.





Still want to continue?






Well, I've warned you.


The last time I wrote here was two months ago?! Wow, never thought that I would leave blog for that long, but now here I am again, in need for a place to let out my feelings, anxieties, troubles, etc.. LOL. Some things never change, aren't they?

I'm currently at the end of my college life, and I've never felt so stressed about it, simply because I always drawn to do the things that I love instead of what I must do. I'd rather do my job as cantora in choir and take care of those singing lessons, events, projects, etc, instead of doing my thesis. Seeing my friends graduated one by one were somehow really makes me happy, but terrified at the same time. I had issue with overthinking and I can't help but think that I might would never have a chance to graduate as long as I'm still doing the things I love, rather than what I must do. These thoughts keep bugging me, that's why my insomnia is getting worse, because all of those terrifying thoughts seemed to come to the surface of my mind when I'm alone. It's sucks to be someone who can only focus on the things she loves.

Maybe I'm just really a sucker for things like thesis and school stuffs like this. :-(

On a brighter note, I'm quite relieved that my job as cantora in PSM will be over this month. It means, I would finally be able to concentrate on my thesis. I'm having a lot of fun doing my job for two years in Artistic Department, and honestly, I think if I were asked to continue doing it, I will still agree to do it, because I understand more and more about my job and artistic and finally know what I want to do in it. Two years are not enough to build a strong artistic department, I think, especially when you began to understand what your job description is, and what you want to build and improve, you just want to continue doing it, and especially when you already feel so comfortable in it... But like the famous quotes said, nothing lasts forever. I know I have to put an end for myself and let the new kids replace me. I need to entrust my dreams and job to them and give them chance to learn, and especially let them feel the excitement of being in Artistic. It's always good when you're working for arts and that's why my thesis is always number 2, or maybe even 5 in my to-do-list lol. I'm not quite sure if I regretted it or not for being this way, but I know I'm happy for being able to do my best for the organisation that I love.

I don't know where my life is going to take me from now, honestly, I never really imagined my life without PSM, and I never imagined that I would be at this state of college. I know I should be the one who decide where I must going from now, decide things for myself, and created my future. But honestly, I'm just not that kind of cool person who has the guts to dream big or have their future set in their mind. All I know is I need to graduate this year, and continue doing the arts. I need to find a way to go to Japan somehow, and I still need to find a way to buy new camera. 

Wow, this post is so lame and has no good closure. Sorry that you have wasted your time reading it lol. I've warned you, though :p

Friday, February 27, 2015

Music and You


You and music are my two favorite things
When you and music becomes one, it turns into a very beautiful thing
You will play the piano or guitar and I will sing for you
And then the world will froze for a moment, there's only you and me

The only thing that's left for me and you is music
Every single song I pick, I sing it for you
When you're not watching, I'm watching you
It's like my eyes were glued on you, they're keeping you in sight

When you're not around, the world around me turns to grey
Friends become strangers, and all colors disappeared
Music stops for a while, the room becomes empty
As if nothing else matters in the world anymore

You are the most beautiful when you're happy
And when I saw you cried the other day, my heart crushed into pieces
That's why your name is in my prayer all the time
Your happiness is what I'm always asking the most from Him

Music is the only thing that's left for me and you
'Cause that's the only thing that makes me close to you
I remember every moment when we sit behind the piano
And you tried your best to learn all the songs I pick

The things that seemed so small to you, become big things for me
I keep counting every moment we shared together
'cause the only thing that's left for me is memory about you
There is no expectation, there's only moment to cherish

Monday, February 23, 2015

When I First See You

It was almost 11 pm, Mecca time, when I and the jamaah arrived at the Majidil Haram for umroh. My heart felt like it was tickled by a warm breeze when I first stepped into the floor of the Mosque, still couldn't believe that I was finally reached that sacred place. Masha Allah, I didn't even dare to dream to be able to visit that place at such a young age, I was afraid, I didn't think I was ready and deserved to be there, but Allah SWT has called and He didn't wait. He knows that I was at the lowest point of my life, I was in the most miserable state, I felt like my dream and hope were crushed. I needed help and hug from people but I was afraid to tell anyone that I needed a helping hand. And who could help you and lift you out of the ground better than Allah SWT? The Almighty showed His mercy to me, He called upon me and my brothers and invited us to His 'house', the place where all Muslims in the world gathered together. Subhanallah, Alhamdulillah, Allahuakbar :")  


Mecca is a city that never sleeps, especially the Masjidil Haram. For 24 hours, everyone is doing thawaf, umroh, and other prayers around the Ka'bah. There are also people who were just sitting around the Ka'bah while reciting Quran or just watching the sacred quadrangle, because it felt relaxing and peaceful by just watching it. You just don't get bored, no matter how long you're staying in it. Sometimes you can also have a chat with random people who came from many different countries. There are some pigeons and eagles flying above Ka'bah, but none of their dirt fall nor contaminate Ka'bah. That's kind of amazing :')


A lot of people I know told me that they were not ready yet to do Umroh nor Hajj because of many reasons, one of them being the fear of getting their sins showed right in their face when they're in Mecca or Madinah. Honestly, there's nothing to be afraid of. Allah's mercy is greater than his anger, and sure we will definitely have to face some trials during our visit there, sometimes we will get to see our reflection in others and some of them are good and some are bad, because that's us human. That will only make us learn more about ourselves, practice our patience, and evaluate ourselves so we can become better as human beings. As long as you have faith in Him and keep asking his forgiveness and guidance, you don't have to worry about anything else. The happiness, peacefulness, and lessons you'll gain are so much more than your fear.

It would be better if you take the chance to do Umroh and Hajj when you're still young. What's better way to spend our energy and young spirit than doing the things that will please Allah, and give the peacefulness to ourselves as well? Don't wait until you get old, because no one promised you a long life. If a lot of people can easily travel abroad, then the place that they should visit first is definitely Mecca and Madinah. There is no better holiday destination than these places.

I'm still longing for you, I wish I will have a chance to come to Your House again, Ya Allah. Thank you for giving me the chance to learn and experience such a great moment during my days there. I'll see you again, Insha Allah.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

I Dreamed A Dream

I dreamed a dream in times gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

Honestly, I do not have any guts to dream anymore. I don't know how can I be this weak. Although my mind have already get over the past failures, my heart is still aching all the time whenever I remember it, or being reminded about it. I'm feel like I will never good enough for that dream. But, I'm longing for it, the thing I love the most, and yet it's so unreachable. It feels like I was trying to stop my heart from beating whenever I remember that dream. It hurts, it makes me breathless, it makes me insecure, but I know this time... I can't do anything about it. Because for this one matter, I know I don't have what it takes, and I know that no matter how hard I've tried, for this one dream, it will end up just the same.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Kota Madinah, Merpati Aisyah, Exhibition Nama-Nama Allah


Kota Madinah
Berada di kota Madinah, kota tempat tinggal Rasulullah SAW, kata ustad yang menjadi pembimbing kami, kita belajar untuk menjadi tetangga Rasulullah SAW yang baik. Maka segala tindak dan tingkah laku pun harus kita jaga sesuai dengan sikap Rasulullah SAW, termasuk dari cara berpakaian dan berkomunikasi dengan orang lain. Memang benar, orang-orang di Madinah rasanya terkesan lebih lembut dan ramah dibanding di Mekkah.


Kota Madinah rapi dan bersih. Berjalan-jalan di sekitar Madinah dari pagi hingga sore hari selalu terasa menyenangkan dan menyegarkan, udara dingin namun disinari matahari yang hangat membuat kita merasa nyaman dan selalu ingin berada di luar untuk menjelajahi sekitar. Saking banyaknya orang Indonesia yang melakukan Umroh dan Haji, pedagang disana pun cukup fasih berbahasa Indonesia. Tak perlu kita repot-repot mencoba berkomunikasi dengan bahasa Inggris saat ingin bertransaksi untuk belanja, semua pedagang mengerti bahasa Indonesia dengan baik selama hal itu berhubungan dengan jual-beli. Beberapa bahkan mempromosikan baju yang mereka jual sebagai, "baju Syahrini.."!!


Katanya, awal mula burung-burung yang tersebar di Madinah dan Mekkah ini berasa dari sepasang merpati milik Siti Aisyah. Kemudian, seiring waktu, ia terus berkembang biak dan akhirnya jumlahnya semakin banyak dan tersebar di seluruh tanah haram Madinah dan Mekkah. Anehnya, meskipun jumlahnya begitu banyak, tapi kotoran mereka tidak tersebar dan membuat jalanan kotor. Kotoran mereka lebih banyak terlihat di mobil-mobil milik masyarakat setempat, tapi tak satupun ada di jalanan. Paling tidak begitu yang aku lihat :P


The Beautiful Names of Allah

Di dekat Masjidil Nabawi, terdapat sebuah pameran tentang nama-nama Allah SWT, dimana setiap nama berisi penjelasan dan ilustrasi berupa lukisan, miniatur planet-planet, ataupun video-video yang menunjukkan kebesaran Illahi. Memberikan penggambaran yang lebih jelas tentang kekuasaan Allah SWT dan nama-namanya.


Berada di Madinah, tidak heran jika ini menjadi kota hijrah Rasululllah SAW. Aura dan keadaan disini bahkan hingga sekarang pun begitu menenangkan dan memberi kesan magis yang kuat. Selain itu, pemandangan gunung-gunung batu dan pasir di sekitar kita juga sangat membawa kita pada masa lalu, seolah kita dibawa ke masa-masa perjuangan Rasulullah SAW saat menyiarkan agama Islam. Paling enak datang ke Madinah saat musim dingin, karena suhunya sangat pas untuk kita. Sinar matahari tetap terik menghangatkan, tapi tidak membuat kita kepanasan. :)

To be continue

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Masjidil Nabawi

Masjidil Nabawi

Pada hari pertama, aku yang masih berada dalam masa haid hari terakhir mengira takkan bisa ikut sholat Shubuh di Masjid Nabawi, tapi karena kamar mandi di Hotel penuh, aku ikut bersama ibu-ibu sekamar untuk ke Masjid, niatnya numpang mandi wajib. Tepat saat yang lain bersiap untuk sholat karena adzan sudah berkumandang, aku malah sibuk mandi dengan santai dan mengira akan menyusul sholatnya. Ternyata begitu aku selesai mandi, sholat berjamaah belum dimulai karena selang waktu antara adzan dengan iqomat jaraknya jauh sehingga memungkinkan jemaah untuk sholat sunnah beberapa kali. Masha Allah... aku masih diberi kesempatan untuk sholat berjamaah ternyata :") Melihat keindahan Masjid Nabawi, jiwaku tak bisa mengelak, berada di dalamnya memang seolah jarak antara kita dengan Sang Khalik menjadi 1000x lebih dekat, dan ada ketenangan yang luar biasa disana. It felt magical, indeed.


Berada di Madinah, seolah ada magnet yang menarik kita untuk terus kembali ke Masjidil Nabawi. Padahal sebelumnya, aku hampir tidak pernah browsing tentang bangunan Masjid ini, jadi segala keindahannya benar-benar menjadi kejutan yang menyenangkan bagiku. Bukan hanya keindahan bangunannya, tapi juga keindahan aura yang terpancar di sekitar Mesjid, terasa menyejukkan dan menenangkan. Menghabiskan sisa waktu di Masjid pun menjadi sesuatu yang sangat nyaman untuk dilakukan. Dan karena ini Masjid, maka yang kita lakukan untuk mengisi waktu pun tak jauh-jauh dari ibadah. Kalau bosan sedikit, membuka Al-Quran dan membacanya, atau sholat sunnah, dan menjaga diri dari pembicaraan yang kurang bermanfaat. Seolah setting dalam diriku ditata ulang dan aku merasa diperbaharui setiap kali berada disana.



Di Masjid ini, para Jamaah biasanya sudah stand by di Mesjid minimal satu jam sebelum sholat wajib untuk mencuri tempat yang paling nyaman atau dekat dengan makam Rasulullah. Jadi, bukannya adzan yang menunggu kita, tapi kitalah yang menunggu adzan. Padahal awalnya kukira aku hanya akan ke Mesjid untuk sholat wajib saja, ternyata setelah berada disana, memang tidak mungkin untuk tidak merasa betah di Masjid-nya Rasulullah SAW ini. Tidak jarang aku menyelinap dari hotel sendirian untuk pergi ke Mesjid Nabawi, alhamdulillah jaraknya cukup dekat dengan berjalan kaki, jadi bisa sesuka hati kesana.. :")


Raudhah
 

Pagi harinya, kami melakukan raudhah, yaitu ziarah ke makam Rasullullah SAW, dan kedua Sahabatnya, Abu Bakar dan Umar bin Khattab. Aku pun terpisah dari rombonganku karena jemaah begitu penuh, dan aku bermodalkan buku tuntunan yang kupegang memberanikan diri untuk lanjut melakukan raudhah, sambil mencuri dengar petunjuk dari ustadzah tim lain di sekitarku. Alhamdulillah, cukup untuk membimbingku berhasil melakukan raudhah sendiri. Antusiasme dan semangat untuk melihat makam Nabi Munammad SAW begitu besar, meski agak berbahaya karena orang-orang harus menggencet kanan kirinya atau tak sengaja menyandung orang yang sedang sholat sunnah di depan makam Nabi SAW. Padahal sudah ada di buku tuntunan, "jika menyakiti orang lain, sebaiknya jangan memaksakan diri mendekati bangunan makam, masuk wilayah raudhah dan sholat sunnah sudah cukup." Meski sebagian besar isinya orang paruh baya, mereka tetap berebut masuk dengan hebohnya. Dimaklumi memang karena mungkin kerinduan akan Nabi Muhammad SAW sudah begitu besar, tapi alangkah baiknya kalau orang-orang yang raudhah bisa lebih memikirkan orang-orang sekitarnya dan menjaga keselamatan satu sama lain. :")

To be continue...

Umroh Pertama - Keberangkatan

Awalnya Tak Benar-Benar Ingin....
Ketika diputuskan bahwa aku, kakak, dan adik akan berangkat umroh, I wouldn't say I was excited. I was like... "Oh, we're going for umroh? Ok then that's fine with me." I was not a very religious person and I didn't prepare anything for this journey. I didn't feel like I'm ready for this, karena sudah beberapa kali mendengar kisah orang-orang yang kena 'karma'-nya begitu mereka sampai di Tanah Haram sana. Aku teringat akan banyaknya dosa dan jujur jadi kurang bersemangat awalnya karena takut dengan karma yang akan aku dapat. Meski begitu, jiwaku sesungguhnya memang sedang penuh kegelisahan karena berbagai masalah dan kegagalan di tahun 2014 yang tiada habisnya dari awal hingga akhir, ditambah berbagai penyakit yang aku alami sepanjang tahun. Mungkin saking lelahnya jiwa ini, ia tergerak untuk kembali mengetuk pintu Tuhan-nya tanpa raga ini menyadarinya. Niat yang muncul di otakku adalah untuk menghilangkan stress dan travelling, bukan mendekatkan diri pada Allah SWT... tapi siapa yang tahu bahwa niat dari alam bawah sadarku bukanlah untuk itu.

Jadi, aku berangkat tanpa mencoba membaca-baca dulu tentang umroh dan sebagainya karena berpikir, akan ada pembimbingnya dan toh aku akan jalan-jalan disana. 'Kan bukan Haji, jadi dibawa santai sajalah.. Pikirku saat itu. :")

di Bandara Soekarno Hatta, sebelum keberangkatan

Begitu sampai di Bandara King Abdul Azis, Jeddah, entah bagaimana air mata menetes begitu saja, seolah ada kedamaian dan rasa bersyukur yang baru kurasakan saat itu. Tak percaya, bagaimana aku bisa disini, padahal aku tak pernah benar-benar memintanya sebelumnya. Tak bisa dibohongi, jiwa kita lebih merindukan Tuhannya, dan kadang akal sehat ini menutupinya dengan berbagai emosi duniawi dan masalah yang sebenarnya hanya ujian, lalu kita lupa akan fitrah sebagai manusia. :")


Tanah Haram Madinah 
Kita langsung menuju kota Madinah, perjalanan di malam hari melewati gurun pasir dan padang tandus luas selama 4-5 jam, namun pemandangan luar biasa di langit malam di atas padang pasir membuatku berucap pujian kepada Allah SWT berkali-kali. For the first time in forever, I saw so many stars, dengan sinar yang begitu terang dan jelas, jumlahnya pun terlihat 5x lebih banyak dari langit malam di Jakarta ketika cerah. Masha Allah... 


Sampai di Madinah kurang lebih 2 jam sebelum adzan Shubuh, dengan suhu sekitar yang sangat dingin, karena ini penghujung Desember dan Madinah sedang ada di puncak musim dingin. Kesan pertama adalah, kota ini tenang dan rapi. Banyak hotel dan pedagang, tapi tidak terkesan bingar, seperti menggambarkan sisi kelembutan Nabi Muhammad SAW yang indah, tenang, sederhana, dan menyejukkan.


Ujian untuk kami Semua
Cobaan pertama dimulai. Hotel tempat kami menginap tidak sesuai ekspektasi karena agen travel yang kami pakai ditipu oleh agen dari Saudi Arabia dan tumpuk tindih namanya dengan agen Travel lain, sehingga kita mendapatkan hotel yang tidak memiliki kamar mandi di setiap kamarnya, sungguh tidak sesuai dengan biaya yang telah dikeluarkan. Bagi aku dan saudara-saudaraku, hal ini tak jadi masalah, namun kasihan untuk para orang-orang tua yang sudah membayar mahal. Katanya hotel Bintang Tiga, tapi lebih seperti losmen.

Semua anggota umroh yang sekelompok denganku adalah orang-orang kalangan menengah ke atas, mereka terbiasa dengan fasilitas bintang 4 minimal, karena itu mungkin agak mengagetkan mendapat hotel yang lebih seperti losmen. Tapi, betapa hebatnya orang-orang ini, mereka adalah orang-orang sukses yang rendah hati, meski penipuan ini tetap harus diadukan kepada pemilik travel kami agar lebih berhati-hati dalam bekerja sama nantinya, tetap saja para orang tua ini menerima keadaan dengan baik, ikhlas, dan menikmatinya.

"Kita disini untuk beribadah, bukan liburan. Hotel ini cuma jadi sarana tidur kalau malam saja toh... Nikmati saja. Alhamdulillah.." kata Bapak Siwi, seorang Komandan Kapal TNI Indonesia yang ikut travel umroh ini. Dia tak banyak bicara meski pangkatnya tinggi, tapi sekalinya bicara begitu menyejukkan. :")

Aku pun sekamar dengan 3 ibu-ibu, salah seorang bernama Ibu Zabidah, sudah lanjut usia dan kesan pertama yang kudapat darinya adalah: galak, kurang asik didekati, dan membuatku agak ngeri, tapi dua ibu lainnya, Bu Anita dan Bu Febby, sangatlah baik dan selalu mengingatkanku untuk maklum kalau ada yang kurang berkenan dari sikap Bu Zabidah. Aku pribadi yang awalnya berniat untuk menjaga jarak dengan para strangers sih fine-fine aja, toh akan jarang ketemu ibu-ibu ini. Pikirku saat itu. But I didn't know then that destiny would change my plan.

To be continue...

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Love at the First Sight


Love sparks in the beginning of the most wonderful journey
It was love at the first sight, something I never believed before
You are perfect in your imperfection and I'm captivated
Then, I started walking behind you, watching you lead all of us

I still remember everything about you, even more clearly now
I remember what you wore on the first day we met
I remember the gentle voice of yours when you call out my name
I remember the warm feeling I get whenever I see your smile

The moment when I'm walking beside you
The moment when you're sitting beside me
The moment when we're playfully smirking towards each other 
The moment when we coincidentally got stuck together

You didn't know, because this is just my another one-sided love over again
You didn't know, because you're just too sincere and kind to everyone
You didn't know, because to you, maybe love is only illussion
You didn't know, because you focus your love to God only

We probably will never have continuation of what has never been started
I will probably be the one who thinks of you the most
You will most likely move on with your life and find your loved one
We're probably going back on being strangers

But meeting you is one of the happiest things in my life
It was too short, the time we spent together
But the feelings which grow within me is even bigger than before
I never thought that love could spark in such a short period

You are special that you make it possible to fall in love at the first sight
You are special because you make me wants to make myself better
You are special because your existence reminds me of God
You are special because of the way you are

I don't know what to call this writing, it's not poetry I guess. But I feel the need to let out my feelings. Mekkah and Madinah knows how much I ask and apologize to God because of that overwhelmed feelings I had. This is dedicated to you, the owner of the pen I have now. I hope I will have the chance to return it to you. We're going back to our normal lives, but you will always be special. I will eventually move on, but you will remain as one of the strongest memories in my heart. I will always be grateful because I had the chance to feel your kindness and got to know you. I know from the start that this will be my one-sided love again, because you are just too good to be true, and I'm grateful to meet you... :")
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