Saturday, November 22, 2014

Mental Illness

I know for sure that I'm suffering from mental illness. I never stated it clearly, but now, I'm ready to admit that yes, I have illness that may never be healed. It's a lifetime illness. I have to put up with mood stabilizer for my entire life. Unlike other people who actually get a change of character all of sudden, I didn't. In fact, every problems, sadness, pain... the more I feel it, the more I can't let it out. I need to be alone to be completely mad and punish myself because I can't stop my mind from thinking of bad things. This has been going for quite a while. The worst part is... when I can't really control it, I will start hurting myself.

No, I'm not trying to commit suicide. Instead, I'm trying to live by feeling the pain in my body. By doing this, the pain in my heart will slowly fade away, not really disappear (they're always there actually), at least I feel more relieved after I hurt myself. This is when I finally decide to check on my mental health. And turns out I have it. Slowly, the thoughts of having this in me makes me more not confident. I began separating myself from people because I feel so different and out of place with them. I get paranoid all the time, bad dreams felt so real that I can wake up in tears and need quite a while to realize they were just dreams. Every bad thing feels two times worse, and I can never see the light ever since.

But I keep on living, while I realized I'm getting anti-social and more nervous than I was. It was mad. It was truly the darkest times in my life. The more painful is because I can't tell this to anyone, not even my parents. My insomnia is getting worse this year. I enjoyed loneliness and solitude more than ever, although I can feel that somewhere in my heart is screaming, asking for help, but then I would thinking that no one will hear, and even if they hear me, they won't come. Because in the end, you are a lonely soldier in this life. I stop putting expectation. I don't know if I still have a dream to fulfill. Everything was blank and I can't think of something good to dream of. I know that society only accept those who have bravery and can speak their mind out loud. I can't do that. Trust me, I have tried to change so many times, but I'm still the same nervous-unconfident girl.

The only light in my life is indeed my faith in Allah. If I don't have faith in him, I might have end my life a long time ago. I know my life won't be the same, I know I can't change the past, but I want to enjoy the future without any regrets. I dream that someday I will have a full control of my own emotion and don't hurt myself anymore. I dream that in the future, I will be able to fulfill one dream at least. My dream is not something that can be seen or recognized by people. My dream is for one day, I will become fully happy... and not even a single pain left in me. 

That is all.

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