Sunday, November 23, 2014

Two Worlds that Give You Strength

In parallel universe:
A friend decides to disappear due to anxiety and the inability socialize, feeling so negative all the time, he gave up on life and dreams. So, he decides to close the door for everyone and locks himself in a house of solitude. Not long after that, a group of friends who are his bestfriends came to rescue him and make sure that everything's gonna be alright and they will always be there for him. They don't give up on him help him get through the hell called loneliness. The only feedback they want for friendship is the happiness of others.
- Naruto and Sakura to Sasuke
- Akira and Nobuta to Shuji
- Miyuki and Saki to Hajime
- Ron and Hermione to Harry
and so many others

Don't you wish that you could live in parallel universe someday? A world who gives you hope and no matter how many times you fall, you know you can always count on others and believe in them. 

In real life... 
An emo person is meant to be alone. When a friend is gone, it doesn't matter because you will always encounter the new ones who may better than them. If a friend decides to give up, we will think that it is his right to give up and that he knows what he must do to his life, so why bother to ask? People get annoyed with someone who has so much insecurities and thinks that it's not their business to get involve in such dramatic life because everyone has their own problem, so you have to be strong and don't count on others. In real life, even friendship needs feedback: if they are not fun enough or useful enough, we may just become colleague, not friends.

Real life taught us to be strong, because in the end, we are a lonely soldiers. If you give up, no one will pity on you, so you just have to get courage and live on. 

The beauty of friendship in parallel universe does not exist in real life. If you have that kind of friendship, you are lucky and blessed, you must treasure it. But if you don't, you have to survive this life although you are alone. Go travel, buy ice cream, do small things that makes you happier, although you are alone, you can be happy too.

Everyone wish to have the best of both worlds. But if you only have one, at least you have one thing for sure from both world: strength to keep on living. The world that gives you strength from the existence of friendship, and the world that taught you to gain strength from yourself. At last, the most important thing is you can continue living. With or without people.

Jaa... Sayonara :)

CFD - Save the Children


This morning, I went to CFD all by myself. I always love to see the crowd in CFD. They are look healthy and full of life. They are walking, biking, skateboarding, no public transportation included. No polution. Just a crowd who wants to get sweaty and healthy with their beloved ones. Then, I was dropping by at my older brother's event: 25th years of International Children Day by ECPAT Indonesia. There are quite a lot of people held some celebration and so many interesting booths, it was marvelous. So refreshing and entertaining to watch. It's been a while since I feel so alive, lol~

Selamat Hari Anak Internasional. Save the Children. Save humanity.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Mental Illness

I know for sure that I'm suffering from mental illness. I never stated it clearly, but now, I'm ready to admit that yes, I have illness that may never be healed. It's a lifetime illness. I have to put up with mood stabilizer for my entire life. Unlike other people who actually get a change of character all of sudden, I didn't. In fact, every problems, sadness, pain... the more I feel it, the more I can't let it out. I need to be alone to be completely mad and punish myself because I can't stop my mind from thinking of bad things. This has been going for quite a while. The worst part is... when I can't really control it, I will start hurting myself.

No, I'm not trying to commit suicide. Instead, I'm trying to live by feeling the pain in my body. By doing this, the pain in my heart will slowly fade away, not really disappear (they're always there actually), at least I feel more relieved after I hurt myself. This is when I finally decide to check on my mental health. And turns out I have it. Slowly, the thoughts of having this in me makes me more not confident. I began separating myself from people because I feel so different and out of place with them. I get paranoid all the time, bad dreams felt so real that I can wake up in tears and need quite a while to realize they were just dreams. Every bad thing feels two times worse, and I can never see the light ever since.

But I keep on living, while I realized I'm getting anti-social and more nervous than I was. It was mad. It was truly the darkest times in my life. The more painful is because I can't tell this to anyone, not even my parents. My insomnia is getting worse this year. I enjoyed loneliness and solitude more than ever, although I can feel that somewhere in my heart is screaming, asking for help, but then I would thinking that no one will hear, and even if they hear me, they won't come. Because in the end, you are a lonely soldier in this life. I stop putting expectation. I don't know if I still have a dream to fulfill. Everything was blank and I can't think of something good to dream of. I know that society only accept those who have bravery and can speak their mind out loud. I can't do that. Trust me, I have tried to change so many times, but I'm still the same nervous-unconfident girl.

The only light in my life is indeed my faith in Allah. If I don't have faith in him, I might have end my life a long time ago. I know my life won't be the same, I know I can't change the past, but I want to enjoy the future without any regrets. I dream that someday I will have a full control of my own emotion and don't hurt myself anymore. I dream that in the future, I will be able to fulfill one dream at least. My dream is not something that can be seen or recognized by people. My dream is for one day, I will become fully happy... and not even a single pain left in me. 

That is all.