Monday, June 23, 2014

Embrace the Life that's Chosen for You

These thoughts have been bugging me for these past few weeks. The fact that I'm replaceable

Yes, as sad as that sounds, that's a fact. Even for some people whom I refer as "best friends", for them, I'm still replaceable. I'm just this average, regular girl without special ability, high IQ, or great personality. No one is going to miss this kind of boring person, so it will be okay for me to disappear anyway. But for some reason, I'm still going to cherish them anyway.

I have problem with my personality; I can't talk to new people. I can't joke. I'm quiet most of the time while the others are busy living up the place. I realized that the more grown up I am, the more introvert I become. I often sit all by myself and make distance from the crowd that is my circle of friends, and no one noticed. I often left the place without properly saying goodbye, and no one realized. I know it sounds as if I'm hungry for attention, but that's not the case. I will always be an invisible. I get uncomfortable when people are staring at me. Maybe it has something to do with my illness that I got scared with people. I become paranoid, the fear of getting to know people is higher, even to the ones I've already know.

I've been sick for a week. I can't really walk because something is wrong with my feet and I'm also suffer from another depression. And to cheer me up, my big brother gave me his Blackberry for me. At first, I thought it's gonna be fun with those social media apps in my phone. I can keep in touch with my friends again, because since I lost my phone few months ago, I totally lost contact with everyone unless I went to college to meet them or text/call them first. I thought by using a Smartphone again, I would be able to communicate with people. 

Hahaha............... who am I kidding?

Whether I'm exist or not, it doesn't matter. And it's not their fault. I'm not good with people since I was a kid. I'm not a good talker, I'm not the best comedian in the world, and most of the time I prefer to stay out of the crowd. So, it's totally fair if no one's really looking for me. And maybe that's the best. Maybe that's the path that's been chosen for me. I don't know if I'm going to lose my phone again, someday I might won't be able to buy any technologies, and if that means I will lose my social life and people won't talk to me, I'm okay with that. I get sick talking to people after all.

On a bright side, I get closer to my family more than ever. It is true that family is the one who will stick with you until the very end. If you can find a friend who can be your family, cherish them. But if you can't, that's fine. In the end, we will end up with ourselves after all. I just wish whatever fate and life that's chosen for you, you will embrace it and accept it. Sometimes, it's not what you imagined to be, but it doesn't mean you can't make it better. If I'm meant to be a loner, I would embrace my solitude. It's good to be alone in a restaurant with a book. It depends on how you enjoy it. 

I am soooo relieved that I finally put these thoughts into this blog. Good day! :)

2 komentar:

JUMP DAISUKI said...

It's okay if be introvert person (just like me)
but sometimes you will need people for your life
i also introvert but someday i tried to talk with people in my group also show off my true face and then gradually they accept me and we became a solid team
one important is just be yourself that you feel comfort :3

Denisa P. Rosandria said...

sure, I believe that we as humans need other people to help us living, but in my case, it's not an easy thing to do, to communicate with people. More than being an introvert, I guess I just have this abnormal mind which keeps me away from people. Be myself is a great advice, but that's also the hardest thing I can do. Anyway, thank you for reading my nonsense :) hopefully it's just one of those garbage thoughts that will soon forgotten :)

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