Wednesday, April 23, 2014


I felt my feet and my heart trembling at such unexpected moments these days. I don't know how or why. I went to the Doctor to check my health and he said, I'm having too much stress for a 21 years old woman. If I can't manage it well, I would definately need to consume medicines to calm me down whenever these trembling attacks.

Deep down, I know I shouldn't think too much about this matter. I know I should go to a therapy to deal with my past experience which still hauting me until now. I know I have lots of works to do and I know I must be responsible in every tasks that's given to me. I know my heart is not in it anymore. I know people won't understand and I should never ask for their understanding. I know it very well.

I just really wish I could take a break, especially from that one activity that requires me to come all the way from my home. Not that I don't enjoy it anymore... but now, it's getting harder for me to like it the way I used to. The people, the feeling, the emotion, I keep pretending. It's easy for them to keep saying that we must do our best, but what can you do when your good isn't good enough? What can you do when you have lower emotional strength compared to others?

You know you can force yourself to be strong, but if you have some emotional issue like me, maybe what can you do is pretending, or pushing yourself to the limit. You have this fear that you don't want to disappoint anyone yet you know you can't do this anymore. Your fear and your insecurity is getting bigger and you don't know how to handle it. I just need a break, 'cause I can't take the saying, "if everyone else can do that, why can't you?" HECK! We're different people with different strength and problems. All I need is a little time to fix myself yet I can't get that.

Life sucks so far and I have to pretend like it's not.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

About Feelings

You probably mad and felt like the most miserable person yesterday
You can be the most optimistic person tomorrow
Everyone has those good and bad days, it's a circle of life
One day you can be so wise and positive about everything
The other day, all you see is darkness and you feel like dying
It's normal. It's human.
But today, I just feel calm and relax
Today, I feel loved and I love you
The simple thing can erase the storm I see inside
Thanks to you

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Am I Going Mad?

Maybe... Just maybe... I do need a professional help. I mean, when I get angry, sad, or feeling anxious, I'd harm myself by hitting the walls with my fist, or hit my face, because I realized that the more I feel pain in my body, the less heartache I feel inside.

That isn't healthy, is it?

But no, I never tried to cut myself, just once got an idea but I still have my logic with me. And I don't harm myself often, but it's getting a bit more often than it used to be nowadays. I don't know is it because I'm getting more and more insecure or because my problem is getting bigger, or maybe it's just me getting weaker.

I can't talk to anyone, even my closest friends. I no longer have people I can truly be honest with. I still care with my bestfriends and I swear I will always be a good listener for them, but the problem is, I can't do the same with them. I'm afraid that if they found out my problem or the way I handle my stress, they'd freaked out.

So, it's only me and myself and my Teddy Bear and you blog. Haha, I can't even tell you what really happen, all I can tell is I'm having trouble with myself and I don't know how to deal with it. I think I'm going mad. My insomnia is getting worse, my mind won't shut at night and I'm having the flashbacks of the most terrible things every night now.

Maybe I should really stay away from everything for now.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

About Happiness and A Friend

I finally have something to write in here again. 

Well, I have a bestfriend in Highschool named Dhanti. We were close, but we had to went separate ways. She went to Semarang because she got UNDIP and I stayed in Jakarta. Since then, we rarely met each other. Even in a year, we would only met once or twice, but it only lasted until my 4th or 5th semester. We became really busy. Let's say that we've got new companionship with new people, we've got new activities, we couldn't really find time to meet up anymore. But we still refer each other as bestfriends until now, though I'm not so sure if I'm still her bestfriend.

Today, I found out that three weeks ago, her boyfriend had passed away, and I just found out now. I didn't even knew she had a boyfriend. I think the distance has separate us even further than I thought and none of us made enough efforts to call each other. Small conversation on twitter doesn't count as real conversation in my opinion. 

Today, I'm crying for the fact that I wasn't there with her in her hardest moment. Losing a boyfriend, someone who is dear to you, and it's not a breakup, you're literally losing him, forever, because he's gone, he passed away. I can imagine how hurt it must be for her. It's like losing one of your important family members. And I just found out now, I'm feel like the dumbest person in the universe. I should have made more efforts to keep in touch with her. I'm feel like worst friend ever. I don't think I'm deserved the name called "friend".

But as much as I regretted it, it has passed. Lesson's learned: I still love her as my bestfriend and I always will, I shouldn't made distance as an excuse to stop communicating with people, especially to those who are very special to me. I should have never left them behind. And I promise I'll fix this, I'll cherish her and everyone who is special to me more than ever. 

They said you shouldn't depend your happiness on other people, but I think our happiness, no matter what, is put in other people's happiness too, in a good way. I mean, I get really sad when my precious people are sad, but when I see them happy, I become happy too. This does not meant to our closest people only, but when you do something to help others, somewhere in your heart will filled with joy. So, why don't we try to do that, start from our closest people?

We can't reverse the time, but we can create the better future, starting from now.