Monday, December 1, 2014

Kindaichi Shounen no Jikenbo Neo (Jdrama)

It's been a while since the last time I wrote about Jdrama. I decided to write about Kindaichi 2014 because I got so hooked with this drama. One of those dramas I would re-watch for many times and never get bored. It's a live action drama from famous manga Kindaichi Shonen no Jikenbo. This has been the xxx times Ryosuke plays the role of detective. I heard the mangaka was especially waiting for him to grow up to play as Kindaichi. How interesting is that :3 If you like comedy, detective, mystery, thriller, and romance mixed as one, this will be your cup of tea.

This drama revolves around a highschool student named Hajime Kindaichi (Ryosuke Yamada). A grandson of famous detective, Kousuke Kindaichi. Hajime has an IQ of 180, but instead of using it to study, he uses his intelligence to analyze the size of woman's boobs (he's pervert indeed, but in a comedy way lol) and doing silly stuffs. Hajime's ability in reading kanji is also very poor that he often mistook the true meaning of the words. Hajime always lives so carefree, but behind his foolishness, Hajime able to solve variety difficult cases, just like his grandfather. That's why he has good relationship with Kenmochi Isamu, the police detective and often helps him solve difficult cases that seemed impossible. Along with his childhood friend, Miyuki Nanase (Haruna Kawaguchi) and his kouhai (junior) Saki Ryuji (Daiki Arioka), Hajime tried to uncover the truth behind many mysteries and murders which happened around him.

The series also highlighted the rivalry between Hajime and Youchi Takato (Hiroki Narimiya), a villain who called himself as the crime producer, puppet master from hell. Takato made the crime scenario to lead those who have grudges on certain people to be able to fulfill their revenge by murdering their enemies in the most horrific way. Takato always able to escape from the police by disguising himself into many different person. He challenged Hajime to solve the mysteries behind the murder tricks he made.

Takato never knew his true father and been abandoned since he was a kid. Hajime somehow believes that Takato has human emotion too behind his evilness, and after some incidents between them, Hajime promised that someday he would find Takato's father.
What makes this drama recommended?
1. Ryosuke's many faces
Ryosuke as Kindaichi is such a dork and stupid and suddenly in one second, he changed into a completely different character: genius and calm. He can be  foolish and cool at the same time, like you want to repeat all of his stupid actions because it's so hilarious but you also want to see his serious side when he solves those mysterious cases. The character he's trying to portray is really entertaining, his foolishness seems so natural and you don't get bored watching him (thanks to his extremely beautiful face too) 😁

2. Hajime and Miyuki's relationship
Romance is not the main focus on this kind of drama, but we can see it clearly that Hajime and Miyuki actually has soft spot for each other, and Hajime is so protective about her. Some silliness between the two childhood friends were shown nicely, it makes you want to have a childhood friend whom you can fall in love with lol. It's not exaggerated, and yet still makes you squealed over their cute chemistry.

3. The cases were based on its original manga
Especially if you're a fan of the manga, you can look forward to see how the stories being adapted into live action. But they also made it different so you can still try to solve the puzzles along with Hajime. This is one of the best detective dramas I have ever watched.

4. Takato's charm despite of his evilness
Hiroki totally makes a good portrayal as the sadistic and evil Takato, but at the same time he can steal your heart with his brilliant acting. The intense look and coldness around him made you scared but you also want to love him on episode 9 when he saved his sister. Hiroki made Takato's character which was scary in the manga becomes more likable.

Japan is the best when it comes to suspense drama, especially thriller and detective ones. You really feel the intense mystery. I can't even watch it at night because it's really scary. I wish they will make the 2nd season for this drama with the same actors, since Ryosuke and Haruna still look like highschool students, and the story is great as well. I still want Akechi character to be adapted in live action too. That would be interesting. And I strongly recommend this drama to everyone. I hope this will be your reference in choosing good Jdramas to watch.

Thank you for reading, bye bye :)

PS: The gifs were taken from tumblr. I worship your ability, tumblr users. Feel free to tell me if you want me to take it down or put credits :)

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Two Worlds that Give You Strength

In parallel universe:
A friend decides to disappear due to anxiety and the inability socialize, feeling so negative all the time, he gave up on life and dreams. So, he decides to close the door for everyone and locks himself in a house of solitude. Not long after that, a group of friends who are his bestfriends came to rescue him and make sure that everything's gonna be alright and they will always be there for him. They don't give up on him help him get through the hell called loneliness. The only feedback they want for friendship is the happiness of others.
- Naruto and Sakura to Sasuke
- Akira and Nobuta to Shuji
- Miyuki and Saki to Hajime
- Ron and Hermione to Harry
and so many others

Don't you wish that you could live in parallel universe someday? A world who gives you hope and no matter how many times you fall, you know you can always count on others and believe in them. 

In real life... 
An emo person is meant to be alone. When a friend is gone, it doesn't matter because you will always encounter the new ones who may better than them. If a friend decides to give up, we will think that it is his right to give up and that he knows what he must do to his life, so why bother to ask? People get annoyed with someone who has so much insecurities and thinks that it's not their business to get involve in such dramatic life because everyone has their own problem, so you have to be strong and don't count on others. In real life, even friendship needs feedback: if they are not fun enough or useful enough, we may just become colleague, not friends.

Real life taught us to be strong, because in the end, we are a lonely soldiers. If you give up, no one will pity on you, so you just have to get courage and live on. 

The beauty of friendship in parallel universe does not exist in real life. If you have that kind of friendship, you are lucky and blessed, you must treasure it. But if you don't, you have to survive this life although you are alone. Go travel, buy ice cream, do small things that makes you happier, although you are alone, you can be happy too.

Everyone wish to have the best of both worlds. But if you only have one, at least you have one thing for sure from both world: strength to keep on living. The world that gives you strength from the existence of friendship, and the world that taught you to gain strength from yourself. At last, the most important thing is you can continue living. With or without people.

Jaa... Sayonara :)

CFD - Save the Children


This morning, I went to CFD all by myself. I always love to see the crowd in CFD. They are look healthy and full of life. They are walking, biking, skateboarding, no public transportation included. No polution. Just a crowd who wants to get sweaty and healthy with their beloved ones. Then, I was dropping by at my older brother's event: 25th years of International Children Day by ECPAT Indonesia. There are quite a lot of people held some celebration and so many interesting booths, it was marvelous. So refreshing and entertaining to watch. It's been a while since I feel so alive, lol~

Selamat Hari Anak Internasional. Save the Children. Save humanity.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Mental Illness

I know for sure that I'm suffering from mental illness. I never stated it clearly, but now, I'm ready to admit that yes, I have illness that may never be healed. It's a lifetime illness. I have to put up with mood stabilizer for my entire life. Unlike other people who actually get a change of character all of sudden, I didn't. In fact, every problems, sadness, pain... the more I feel it, the more I can't let it out. I need to be alone to be completely mad and punish myself because I can't stop my mind from thinking of bad things. This has been going for quite a while. The worst part is... when I can't really control it, I will start hurting myself.

No, I'm not trying to commit suicide. Instead, I'm trying to live by feeling the pain in my body. By doing this, the pain in my heart will slowly fade away, not really disappear (they're always there actually), at least I feel more relieved after I hurt myself. This is when I finally decide to check on my mental health. And turns out I have it. Slowly, the thoughts of having this in me makes me more not confident. I began separating myself from people because I feel so different and out of place with them. I get paranoid all the time, bad dreams felt so real that I can wake up in tears and need quite a while to realize they were just dreams. Every bad thing feels two times worse, and I can never see the light ever since.

But I keep on living, while I realized I'm getting anti-social and more nervous than I was. It was mad. It was truly the darkest times in my life. The more painful is because I can't tell this to anyone, not even my parents. My insomnia is getting worse this year. I enjoyed loneliness and solitude more than ever, although I can feel that somewhere in my heart is screaming, asking for help, but then I would thinking that no one will hear, and even if they hear me, they won't come. Because in the end, you are a lonely soldier in this life. I stop putting expectation. I don't know if I still have a dream to fulfill. Everything was blank and I can't think of something good to dream of. I know that society only accept those who have bravery and can speak their mind out loud. I can't do that. Trust me, I have tried to change so many times, but I'm still the same nervous-unconfident girl.

The only light in my life is indeed my faith in Allah. If I don't have faith in him, I might have end my life a long time ago. I know my life won't be the same, I know I can't change the past, but I want to enjoy the future without any regrets. I dream that someday I will have a full control of my own emotion and don't hurt myself anymore. I dream that in the future, I will be able to fulfill one dream at least. My dream is not something that can be seen or recognized by people. My dream is for one day, I will become fully happy... and not even a single pain left in me. 

That is all.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Interesting Things that Make Me Watch Mahabharat

Shri Krishna / Basudewa / Govinda / Kanha
A Hindu mythology from Bagavhad Gita. This story has become a phenomenal. This story has been around in Java island and Indonesia even before the Majapahit era, it was brought by a hermit from India named Ajisaka who traveled to Indonesia. I didn't have any expectation for this serial at first, I just happened to watch it because my Dad is a fan of Mahabharat ever since he was a child, but since the story and characters are familiar, so I started to give it a try. I got hooked by the high-quality language they are using in the dialogue. The metaphor which filled with moral lessons sometimes make us wondered and surprised by the perspective they offered to us. The story itself is brilliant. I have finished all the 267 episodes and all I can say is..... this series are truly brilliant masterpiece. Now, I'll tell you interesting things that make me watch Mahabharat. You may consider to watch it later :3

The Great Woman and what it means of becoming a wife 
from the perspective of ancient story...

Gandhari is the princess of Gandhara kingdom. She is the wife of Dhritharashtra, prince of Hastinapura who has been blind since birth. To show devotion to her husband, she oath to blindfold her eyes forever so she can feel the darkness like her husband and therefore their souls would be intertwined. Dhritharashtra hated her for doing such selfish thing, but Gandhari never gives up on trying to please her husband and take care of her hundred children. She's always trying to make them follow the dharma. Although her act of blindfolding herself is her devotion to her husband, it result her to never really being able to keep track on her own sons which being possessed by hatred caused by Shankuni, her brother who's longing for revenge to Hastinapura for causing his sister living a miserable life filled with darkness. Gandhari is the most miserable Queen, she has evil sons but she loves them dearly and try her best to protect them from doing evil things, and she fights all her life to be accepted by her husband.

Kunti is one of the ladies who has been blessed to keep herself virgin. Because of the curse that's given to her husband Pandu to not do any sexual interaction with his wives or else he would die, Kunti stays virgin until her death. Kunti followed Pandu to the forest for exile, she served her husband with full devotion. Kunti has special boon from Sage Durvasa where she can summon any Gods and gets a son with the same character and power as them. The child would be considered as the sons of her husband Pandu. Because of this ability, Kunti has five powerful sons, each of them was born from five Gods respectively. They are Yudhistira, Bhima, and Arjuna. Kunti shared the boon with Pandu's second wife, Madri, who bore Nakula and Sahadeva. They are known as Pandava. After the death of Pandu and Madri, Kunti take care of her five sons alone and teach them dharma. Before her marriage with Pandu, Kunti mistakenly summon Lord Surya which result her to give birth to Karna. But, because she didn't want to ruin her father's reputation, she was forced to throw her baby into the Gangga river. She asked Lord Surya to protect Karna and that's why Karna is blessed with divine shield and earrings which will protect his body.

The Princess of Panchala who was born from the sacrifice fire, the beautiful Drupadi. Her father, Drupada, consumed by anger on Drupadi's birth, asking the Gods to give him the most beautiful daughter in the world, but she would face the dirtiest act in her life, and yet she would remain pure and clean. She has to live a miserable life and yet she will remain strong. She will face a lot of injustices in her life, and yet she would remain kind. The king wasn't sure that God would be able to give him that kind of daughter, but then Drupadi was born. Her fate from her father's wish on her birth start to occur. She had to marry all five Pandava because of Kunti's mistaken order and sacrifice her happiness. She only wanted to marry Arjuna, but for the sake of the brothers, she agreed to marry the five. In Hindu mythology, it is also the epitome of woman's power where one woman can take care of five strong men and devote herself to them. Drupadi has a boon that makes her remain virgin to please each of her husband and to keep herself pure by entering the sacrifice fire each year. Drupadi is the kind of wife who will speak her mind to her husband when something is wrong and she is not afraid of people's judgment. As a wife of five husbands, Drupadi has to serve all five of them and be the consort of them. She has to love them equally. Her duty is 5 times more difficult than normal wife.

The Disrobing of Drupadi
One of the reasons that Kurukshetra war happened was because of the disrobe of Drupadi in Hastinapura court after Yudhistira lost the dice game from Shankuni and Duryodhana. She was dragged forcibly into the court hall so the Kaurava could insult her in front of her husbands and all of people in the hall. Durshashana dragged her by her hair and tried to disrobe her 'sari' in front of people, following to Duryodhana's order. The Pandava and other people like Bhisma, Drona, and the others who are supposed to be faithful in dharma are forced to be silenced because of their old beliefs that they have to obey the King's order. Since Duryodhana has won the game and Yudhistira was forcibly had staked Drupadi, everyone else is agree that Duryodhana has the right for Drupadi, but Drupadi did not accept this treachery and keeps trying to save her dignity and honor. She repeatedly questions the legality of the right of Yudhishthira to place her at stake. Everybody remains dumbfounded. At the last effort, she prayed to Lord Krishna to protect her because no one in the hall could. As the Pandavas and the court looks away, Dushasana unwraps layers and layers of her sari. But as her sari keeps getting extended, everyone looks upon in awe, and Dushasana himself is forced to stop due to exhaustion. Krishna protected Drupadi.

The Heroes
Karna is the son of Suryadev and Kunti, the oldest brother of Pandava. After Kunti throw baby Karna in Gangga river, he was found by Adhirata, charioteer of Hastinapura, and his wife Radha. Since then, Karna is known as Radheya (Radha's son), son of sudra. A sudra has no right to learn about art of battle, while Karna has natural talent of great archery. People humiliated his talent to the point that Karna wants to prove to the world that even a son of charioteer could be the greatest warrior in the world. Karna wants to be respected and appreciated by his talent and power and not his caste. During this struggle, Duryodhana, prince of Kaurava offers a friendship to him and help him gets the respect that he deserves. Karna was crown the King of Angga so people would never make fun of his caste anymore, and this results Karna to be forever tied with prince Duryodhana. As a payback for his debt, he promised to always protect the Prince with his own power. At the same time, Karna also raise hostility with Arjuna and the Pandava. He wants to know who is the greatest archer in the world. He or Arjuna. Although he is siding with the Kaurava, Karna always try to stick with his own dharma. He considers Duryodhana as his true friend and wants to protect him from doing evil things, but the Prince always reminds him with his debt and so Karna's forced to do things against his own faith and principle. Karna alone possessed all the five dharma qualities in each Pandavas: wisdom, strength, patience, beauty, and intelligence. He has the most tragic life in my opinion :")

Loving Kunti without knowing that she is his mother
Ever since she saw Karna's divine shield appeared in the battlefield between Karna and Arjuna, Kunti knows that he is her son that she threw in the Gangga river years ago. Kunti desperately wants to tell Karna about his true identity as one of the Pandava and shower him with the love she never give after all the years passed, but she never gain courage to tell his son the truth. While Karna, being ignorant with the true relationship hidden, he always has strong affection towards Kunti as if she is his own mother. Karna loves the Queen and whenever he sees Kunti's sadness, he would feel miserable as well. Despite of his hostility and hatred towards Pandava, he never has the idea to kill them using evil deceit like what Kaurava always does. Karna wants to fight them fairly in the real battlefield to show his competency. After he learned the truth about his birth, Karna promised to Kunti that he will protect the life of the five of her sons and she only has to mourn on one son's death. Only Karna or Arjuna.

The Pandava

The Five sons of Pandu: Yudhistira, Bhima, Arjuna, Nakula, and Sahadeva are the epitome of five Dharma: wisdom, strength, courage, beauty, and intelligence.
1. Yudhistira, the son of Lord Dharma / Yama, he is the rightful heir to the throne.  He is the most virtuous, honest, and truthful king of all times.
2. Bhima, the son of Lord Bayu, God of Wind. He has the power of 1000 elephants, the master of mace and so wrathful that it's impossible even for Lord Indra to subdue him in the battlefield. Bhima also called Wrekodara because of his giant appetite.
3. Arjuna, the son of Lord Indra, God of Thunder, he is handsome and the greatest archer. He is one whose mind is spotless and clean of all impurities. He is strong and the dearest friend of Lord Krishna. Although he hates Karna, he also respect him in so many aspects and appreciate his rival's talent. And although he bears all the injustice of the Kaurava with stoicism, he is the one who hesitates to kill them just before the war. He possessed kindness and bravery and Yudhistira refers him as the main hero of Pandava.
4. Nakula, the son of Lord Ashwini, he is the most handsome in the Kuru lineage and pretty much obsessed with his own beauty, lol. He has special connection with animal and he is intelligent and expert in healing and medication. He is the dearest brother of Bhima. He is the one who can calm Bhima's anger.
5. Sahadeva, the son of Lord Ashwini, the youngest brother, twin of Nakula, he possessed almost the same knowledge and power as Nakula such as medication and healing, except that he is much more calmer and quiet than Nakula. He is the most intelligent and he can see the future, but he is cursed that he will die if he tells anyone about the future he sees.

The Pandava completed each other with their respective talent and knowledge. Just like what Kunti said, the five of them have to stick together no matter what and no one would be able to defeat them, not even a hundred of Kauravas. They always obey Yudhistira's order as the oldest son and they are bound to protect each other. They love their mother Kunti so much and respect their wife, Drupadi.

The Villains
Before went to Hastinapura, the Pandava lived in the forest with their parents: Pandu, Kunti, and Madri, but after Pandu and Madri's death, they are brought back to Hastinapura by the Queen Mother, Satyawati. They met their cousins, the Kaurava for the first time at a very young age. Although the brothers had no aim for power nor the throne, Shankuni had been provoking his nephews that the Pandava are their enemy who will steal the throne from them. That's why the Kaurava hated the Pandava so much and keep rivaling with them in any aspect. Thus started the hostility between Kaurava and Pandava.

1. Shankuni
He is indeed the one who is responsible for everything that happened in the Mahabharat's war. He is the one who provoke the Kaurava to hate their cousins, Pandava. He is cruel and smart, not a very good warrior, that's why he uses many deception to fulfill his plan and revenge. He has dice which will only do what he wish for, and he used it to deceive Pandava and Drupadi in the dice game. You hate him and his evilness, but you know the show would not be complete without him. He is indeed evil but funny at the same time, it is more entertaining when he's face off with Basudewa Krishna, lol. They both are intelligent and cunning, yet the other's purpose was to re-establish dharma while the other one is to fulfill his own revenge. The actor who portrayed it is very convincing and makes you hate him but you will also miss his hilariousness.

2. Duryodhana
I will feel pity for him, not having a chance to learn about dharma nor do the right thing. All of his life has been possessed by the evil uncle, Shankuni. All he knows is he has to win the throne for him because his father is the king and he has to defeat the Pandava. He is stubborn and probably the most arrogant person, but he is indeed has a good quality as a human. At least in the Baghavat Gita, he is not as evil as in the starplus mahabharat. He actually respect and trust his bestfriend, Karna, he loves his brothers, and he respect his wife. But aside from that, he conspired with Shankuni to destroy his own cousins and disrobe Drupadi. He wants the throne for himself. Nevertheless, he is a brave warrior.

Basudewa Krishna

At first, Krishna only appeared as story teller and one who taught us the moral lessons behind every episode in Mahabharat. He eventually joined in the serial as real character and be the most important role, one who leads the Pandava to reach their victory and re-establish dharma once again. If Shankuni is the one plot all the evil things to destroy the Pandava, then Krishna is the one who will help the Pandava fight those efforts of Shankuni. In term of intelligence, he and Shankuni are equal match. Since Krishna is an avatar of Lord Wisnu, he has all the magical abilities to destroy evils and change people's hearts. He actually teach you the true meaning about everything that happened in this world in the perspective you have never imagined before. You will fall in love with Krishna. It's impossible not to. He is the most significant role in the story and Saurabh Raj Jain made a great portrayal. I can't imagine anyone else to play the role of Krishna and Lord Wisnu because of him.

The Soundtracks
I must say that Mahabharat has one of the best soundtracks. Every main character has their own theme song. Especially Krishna, he has a number of songs for himself, one of them are made from Baghavat Gita's sastra. The best theme songs goes to Krishna, Karna, Arjuna, Abhimanyu, and Drupadi's theme song.

Krishna's theme songs

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Patience and Growing Up

Sometimes our heartache comes from our own mind. We feel so miserable when something doesn't go the way we want it to be. We will blame other people for not cooperating with us. The truth is, it's our own expectation that make us suffer in the end. 
So, should we give up? 

Do we have no choice but to stop putting high expectation? 

Should we run away from the things we have started because our own heartache? 

Maybe a life without anyone would be better, we think.

Everyone has been in that state. A state where we think the world is unfair and we want to run away from it. A state where we think everyone else is just getting in our way to reach our dreams. The journey where we face the most difficult times and hit the wall that seems can't be broken. We're stuck. We feel depressed and keep questioning, "why can't this happen the way I plan it? I've worked hard. I've put a lot of efforts into it?"

The answer for everything is very easy yet very hard to apply: patience 

That's right. Patience. It is a very simple solution for all of our problems in the world, but why is it so hard for us to be patient when things start to go wrong? Why do we choose to put our anger first instead of our patience? Everyone knows the basic knowledge: an angry heart will never result a good thing especially when making decision, but we suddenly forget about that when something disappointed us. We may not born with the same character and attitude, we will always find someone or something doesn't match with our character, but we don't have to face that with anger. We just have to be open minded and again, always be patient.

"Oh, it's easy for you to tell us to be patient, you don't know what I feel, you don't know what I'm going through..!"

Some stubborn mind might will think that way, but again, it's because it loses its patience that our mind refuse to listen to any advice. Life is about our process to grow up. Growing up isn't always about 12 to 25 and then you officially become adult. Growing up is about the growth of characters as well. That's why even if you're going to 40 or 80, you will keep growing up as long as there's something inside of you that you need to change. As long as you keep trying to make yourself a better person, it's called growing up. The more we grow, the more patient we should be, because the more challenging life ahead of us. That's why maturity is not just about number. 

And above of all, we have to keep asking for His guidance so we will not get lost. Patience can be granted to you if you keep trying and learn to apply it in your life and as long as you keep asking for Allah SWT for it. Once you master the knowledge of patience, the world will be yours, because nothing can get you down and nothing can destroy your spirit. Be patient and be thankful, always.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Little Brother

Although he can be so annoying sometimes (or most of the time), we all are agree that he's the clown of the family, our source of laugh, and without him around, it feels lonely here. But this is life. He's a boy, he needs to 'hijrah' no matter what so he can live independently. We are also proud of him that he managed to get into Sebelas Maret University. You know, we had to fight with him to force him to study so he would do well on the exam. A lot of arguments and fights before his leaving because we were not sure that he would be able to live alone in Solo. He's the youngest, and he acted like 12 years old most of the time, so it's normal for us to be worried. Anyway, we know that in the end, life would force him to get out of his comfort zone, and now it has been a month since he started living alone in Solo. Usually, my mom had to wake him up in the morning. Trust me, it is not easy an easy job. He sleeps like a dead person. But now, he is forced to wake up by himself if he don't want to be late for college. So far, I guess it went well. It must be a lot of trouble for him at first, but we have faith in him that he will do well. Life will teach him to live by himself. Maybe this way, he can finally learn to be responsible. 

But still... he is the youngest in the family, therefore, we love him the most. And I miss my naughty one, my partner in crime, one who fights with me and then forgive and forget.

I wish he will do well and this will be a turning point for his life. We are family, we are bound to live separately in the end, but our hearts and souls are tied by one thing called love. That's the thing that will connect us with everyone that is dear to us.

Monday, July 21, 2014


Permainan (entah bisa disebut permainan atau tidak) yg saya kenal sekitar empat tahun lalu di acara Aroma Mabit Nurul Fikri saat saya masih aktif-aktifnya. Caranya adalah dengan membentuk lingkaran bersama teman-teman kita, kemudian masing-masing orang diberi kertas. Kertas tersebut dinamai oleh pemiliknya masing-masing, kemudian diberikan ke teman di sebelahnya. Si teman yang mendapat kertas dgn nama kita harus menulis apapun yang berhubungan dengan kita, boleh jadi pesan dan kesan, atau sekedar tulisan nggak penting tipikal sahabat yang males bersikap formal, hehehe. Kertas masing-masing orang akan terus diputar sampai kertas tersebut kembali ke si pemiliknya, dengan begitu dia akan mendapat catatan dari semua orang di circle tersebut. Itulah kenapa permainan ini dinamakan snowball~ Menurut saya, sih, permainan ini hanya seru dilakukan bersama orang-orang yang memang sudah mengenal kita dengan baik.

Anyway, semalam saya bersama kawan-kawan Maximilian bermain snowball setelah berbuka puasa bersama. Saya iseng membuka notes snowball empat tahun lalu bersama kawan-kawan Aroma, dan saya agak kaget dengan perbedaan komentar yang cukup signifikan, karena ini berarti saya mengalami perubahan karakter yang drastis.

Kesimpulan dari notes snowball kawan-kawan Aroma 4 tahun lalu:
1. Suka Jepang (haha masa-masa itu....)
2. Good singer (ini wajar dikomen karena saya ada di komunitas akademik hehe)
3. Kadep yang baik (alhamdulillah, selalu takut sebenarnya dengan tanggung jawab itu dulu)
4. Bawel (that's odd... now, I can barely talk to people haha)
5. Jangan suka begadang
6. Fave teacher 
7. Selalu penuh semangat
8. Seru, rame, asik...
9. Selalu terlihat sangat 'hidup'

Kesimpulan dari catatan kawan-kawan Maximilian yang saya dapat adalah: 
1. Pendiam
2. Harus lebih percaya diri untuk tampil (cuma bisa senyum baca ini)
3. Pemalu
4. Introvert
5. Jangan menyimpan semua hal sendirian
6. Move on (ini 'sih pesan dari orang-orang yg susah move on juga sebenernya :p)
7. Good singer (yang ini zonk sih karena semua anak Maxi yg notabene padus kan penyanyi juga -_-)
8. Punya sikap dingin dan cuek
9. Best friend (you know who you are guys!! :"))
10. Jangan suka begadang (some things are never changed haha)

Entah point of view yang mana yang menggambarkan saya yang sesungguhnya, dan entah bagaimana saya bisa begitu terlihat 'hidup' empat tahun lalu, sedangkan sekarang, sepertinya yang terlihat dari saya hanya seperti zombie berjalan. Mungkin karena empat tahun lalu adalah masa peralihan saya dari remaja ke dewasa, ada sebuah semangat yang membuncah terhadap tantangan di depan saya. Saya begitu perfeksionis, yang saya inginkan hanya melakukan yang terbaik. Saya bisa berbicara lepas dan banyak dengan orang-orang. Saya tidak pernah sekalipun melewatkan kegiatan kumpul-kumpul bersama dan sebagainya, saya merasa hidup dari energi kuat orang-orang di sekitar saya saat itu. 

Hari ini, saat ini, di masa saya hidup sekarang, saya berubah. Entah sejak kapan saya semakin menikmati kesendirian, dan semakin menghindari keramaian dan pandangan orang-orang. Saya menghindari berbagai ikatan yang terlalu erat dan semakin sulit untuk menyampaikan sesuatu, atau lebih tepatnya merasa tidak perlu untuk menyampaikan sesuatu itu. Semangat membara untuk bersosialisasi yang dulu ada itu seolah padam. Segala target dan cita-cita semakin saya sederhanakan dan hal yang paling saya inginkan sekarang hanyalah ketenangan jiwa dan kesembuhan.

Terkadang saya bertanya-tanya, bagaimana saya bisa begitu hidup dulu? Seolah saya tak pernah mengalaminya, karena saya begitu menikmati diri saya yang sekarang. Tentu saja yang ada pada diri saya sekarang jadi terlihat negatif di mata orang lain dibanding positifnya. Saya rasa kebanyakan orang lebih menyukai sosok yang talkative dan terbuka. Sedangkan saya jauh dari semua itu. But at the end of the day, I like who I am. I love my solitude and I love my peace. Ramadhan ini, saya semakin merasa terkendali dan semakin merasa bahwa terkadang, kedamaian itu memang di dapat dari kesendirian, tapi bukan dengan hidup sendiri. Saya tidak bisa hidup sendiri, tapi saya juga tidak bisa hidup dengan terlalu banyak orang.. :)

Aniway, the fasting break with Maximilian was inevitably fun, I think we are blessed with that sense of togetherness that will stick with us until the end, in shaa Allah. Ameen.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Embrace the Life that's Chosen for You

These thoughts have been bugging me for these past few weeks. The fact that I'm replaceable

Yes, as sad as that sounds, that's a fact. Even for some people whom I refer as "best friends", for them, I'm still replaceable. I'm just this average, regular girl without special ability, high IQ, or great personality. No one is going to miss this kind of boring person, so it will be okay for me to disappear anyway. But for some reason, I'm still going to cherish them anyway.

I have problem with my personality; I can't talk to new people. I can't joke. I'm quiet most of the time while the others are busy living up the place. I realized that the more grown up I am, the more introvert I become. I often sit all by myself and make distance from the crowd that is my circle of friends, and no one noticed. I often left the place without properly saying goodbye, and no one realized. I know it sounds as if I'm hungry for attention, but that's not the case. I will always be an invisible. I get uncomfortable when people are staring at me. Maybe it has something to do with my illness that I got scared with people. I become paranoid, the fear of getting to know people is higher, even to the ones I've already know.

I've been sick for a week. I can't really walk because something is wrong with my feet and I'm also suffer from another depression. And to cheer me up, my big brother gave me his Blackberry for me. At first, I thought it's gonna be fun with those social media apps in my phone. I can keep in touch with my friends again, because since I lost my phone few months ago, I totally lost contact with everyone unless I went to college to meet them or text/call them first. I thought by using a Smartphone again, I would be able to communicate with people. 

Hahaha............... who am I kidding?

Whether I'm exist or not, it doesn't matter. And it's not their fault. I'm not good with people since I was a kid. I'm not a good talker, I'm not the best comedian in the world, and most of the time I prefer to stay out of the crowd. So, it's totally fair if no one's really looking for me. And maybe that's the best. Maybe that's the path that's been chosen for me. I don't know if I'm going to lose my phone again, someday I might won't be able to buy any technologies, and if that means I will lose my social life and people won't talk to me, I'm okay with that. I get sick talking to people after all.

On a bright side, I get closer to my family more than ever. It is true that family is the one who will stick with you until the very end. If you can find a friend who can be your family, cherish them. But if you can't, that's fine. In the end, we will end up with ourselves after all. I just wish whatever fate and life that's chosen for you, you will embrace it and accept it. Sometimes, it's not what you imagined to be, but it doesn't mean you can't make it better. If I'm meant to be a loner, I would embrace my solitude. It's good to be alone in a restaurant with a book. It depends on how you enjoy it. 

I am soooo relieved that I finally put these thoughts into this blog. Good day! :)

Thursday, June 5, 2014


Entahlah, padahal sebenarnya di mata orang lain, ini bukan masalah yang berat, bukan pilihan yang rumit, I just have to open my heart and my mind. Tapi.... entah karena saya sedang sensitif, entah karena mereka belum mengerti, entah karena saya sedang ada di titik kejenuhan tertinggi, atau memang saya yang lemah, hal ini sampai bikin nangis saat memikirkannya. Nggak mau menyakiti atau mendzolimi orang lain dengan keputusan sepihak, tapi di satu sisi ada hal yang memang tertahan begitu besar di sini, yang sebagaimanapun orang meyakinkan, diri ini belum juga bisa sepenuhnya yakin.

Bukan atas dasar tidak lagi cinta, rasanya itu hal yang nggak mungkin untuk saya... I will always love that place. Namun, untuk kali ini, saya butuh waktu lebih lama untuk berpikir dan mempertimbangkan, terutama untuk menenangkan hati, meyakinkan diri, bukan atas dorongan orang lain, tapi dari saya sendiri. Perlu lebih banyak waktu untuk beristirahat, untuk kemudian kembali lagi. Tapi, nggak banyak waktu yang bisa mereka berikan. I know I should make a quick decision, but once again, right now I'm not as ready as I used to be. 

Hal ini di mata orang lain adalah hal yang kekanakan. "Get a grip of yourself!!" They said. Semakin bercerita, semakin membuka diri, semakin terasa bahwa hal ini memang nggak akan dimengerti siapapun. Dan saya sangat lemah dalam menyampaikan apa yang saya benar-benar rasakan, apa yang akhirnya keluar malah jadi hal-hal yang sebenarnya tidak saya benar-benar rasakan. Akhirnya, saya menyerah dengan persepsi dan penilaian mereka karena saya sendiri nggak mampu membenarkan apa yang saya sebenarnya harus ungkapkan.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Obat yang Sesungguhnya

Sudah sebulan berjalan sejak kedua pergelangan kaki saya sakit. Awalnya karena salah urat, kemudian saya biarkan saja selama seminggu hingga akhirnya semakin parah. Karena tidak tahan dengan rasa sakit itu, Saya memutuskan untuk ke tukang urut. Saya kira kaki saya akhirnya akan sembuh, tapi tidak berapa lama setelah itu, kedua kaki saya kembali sakit. Entah saya lagi-lagi ceroboh hingga salah uratnya kembali parah, atau memang pijit yang sebelumnya kurang berhasil.

Kemudian, saya mengadukan keluh kesah kepada Papa yang memang merupakan salah satu tempat terbaik untuk saya berbagi. Jawaban Papa sederhana,

"Mungkin Ade lupa untuk meminta pertolongan Allah terlebih dahulu dan sibuk memikirkan obat dan cara lain..."

Papa mulai bercerita kejadian saat dia terserang sakit perut yang sangat parah di tengah perjalanan. Saat itu, perutnya terasa ditusuk-tusuk seolah ada angin yang mencoba keluar, namun tertahan. Yang dipikirkan Papa pertama kali adalah obat apa yang harus segera dibeli atau jamu apa yang ampuh untuk menghilangkan sakit perut itu. Sambil terus menahan sakit, pikiran Papa sibuk memikirkan berbagai macam obat dan jamu hingga akhirnya Beliau tersentak sendiri, seharusnya Allah menjadi pertolongan pertama yang ia pikirkan.

Tersadar akan kelalaiannya, Papa segera beristighfar sebanyak 20x dengan penuh kesungguhan, kemudian membaca bismillah dan La haula wala Quwwata illa billah sambil mengusap perutnya yang sakit. Tidak sampai lima menit, rasa sakit di perutnya hilang seolah tak pernah terjadi. Subhanallah.

Setelah bercerita itu, Papa meraih pergelangan kaki kiri saya dan melakukan hal yang sama dengan yang dilakukannya pada perutnya yang sakit, dan tak berapa lama, sakit di kaki kiri saya perlahan berkurang, meski masih ada sisa-sisanya, tapi dibanding kaki kanan saya yang memang dibiarkan saja (karena saya tidak bilang kalau kaki itu juga sakit), kaki kiri saya terasa jauh lebih nyaman untuk bergerak. 

"Harus benar-benar yakin akan kuasa Allah dan berserah diri dengan penuh kepadanya kalau mau metode ini berhasil..." kata Papa setelah selesai. "Kalau kita hanya berdoa tanpa keyakinan yang kuat akan kuasanya, ya tidak akan ada yang berubah."

Saya memilih percaya bahwa kuasa Allah itu melampaui batas pikir manusia. Apalagi ketika Hambanya telah meminta dengan sungguh-sungguh dan memberikan usaha yang sungguh-sungguh. Ia Maha Pengasih dan Penyayang, bukan tidak mungkin baginya memutar balikan segala sesuatu. Ini bukan pertama kalinya juga saya merasakan keajaiban yang sama, sebelumnya pernah saya tulis disini

Dari sini saya belajar bahwa bukan hal-hal duniawi lah yang dapat berperan terhadap kebahagiaan dan kehidupan kita, melainkan Allah SWT. Ketika kita melakukan segala sesuatu di dunia atas dasar mendapat ridho dari-Nya, tentu saja Allah akan memberikan balasan berkali-kali lipat. Tapi sayangnya, dengan segala kenikmatan yang telah kita dapatkan sejak lahir hingga sekarang, kita masih sering menduakan-Nya dengan hal-hal duniawi, lalu merasa hal itu biasa dan wajar saja. Sejujurnya, saya jadi takut saya juga akan menjadi orang yang seperti itu. Semoga Allah senantiasa mengampuni kelalaian kita dan melindungi kita dari berbagai keburukan dunia dan akhirat.

“Di antara manusia ada orang-orang yang menjadikan sesuatu selain Allah sebagai tandingan-tandingan yang mana mereka mencintainya sebagaimana mereka mencintai Allah. Adapun orang-orang yang beriman amat sangat cintanya kepada Allah.” [QS Al Baqarah: 165]

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Aldrich and James

Few days ago, I came into a youtube video of a young boy singing "Dance With My Father" by Luther Vandross. The first look didn't gave me much expectation, but once he started singing the intro, I got goosebump! And when he finally finished the song, I was already in tears. He sounds amazing. His voice is so crystal clear. With one beautiful acoustic guitar played by his cousin, these two made one incredible team. For me, what made it even more special is the fact that most of his videos are recorded with amateur camera in random places (most of them are inside his house, I guess). Everything looks so simple and modest yet you're still getting that awesome chills because of their awesome musical chemistry and beautiful beautiful voice.

Their names are Aldrich and James from Philippines. Right after he posted this video on youtube, he became a youtube sensation. Few months after this, Aldrich's father passed away because of cancer. This saddening fact made him seize even more attention from people. They've been guesting on Ellen too and has been guesting in a lot of shows since then.

You can check out another cover of his on I promise you won't regret a thing. I spent the rest of the night listening to all of his cover and I never disappointed. So many people are talented, but only few ones who's been gifted to move people's hearts with their voices. He is one of a kind.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Peter Pan

This year was different. I don't know, but I'm still grateful for people who wish me a happy birthday. May the same prayers go for you too :")

I don't feel the excitement of my birthday since the year started. All I wanted was to skip today. I don't know, I'm always so excited about someone else's birthday, but when it comes to mine, I don't want to have anything to do with it. I just want to run from it. So many indescribable feelings I couldn't put into words. 

So, why am I still writing about today? Well, to remind me that I'm still alive at the age of 22. Getting old isn't so bad, but being adult is something I don't really enjoy. If only I have one wish that would be granted, then it would be something like meeting Peter Pan who would take me to his Neverland. Is it too much to ask? Lol... of course it is, baka! 

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Kami Semakin Tangguh!

Sebelum berakhir, ingin mengucap syukur atas apa yg telah dilewati sepanjang kepengurusan di PSM UIN Jakarta sejak Juni 2013 hingga sekarang. Pejuang tangguh! Nama itu melekat dalam diri kita menjadi sebuah identitas untuk menghadapi segala tantangan ke depan. Semakin kuat kami berdiri, semakin tinggi angin yang menerjang, mungkin karena itulah tahun ini kami menghadapi banyak ujian dan tantangan saat menjalani organisasi yang kami sangat sayangi ini. Tapi, atas dasar memiliki mimpi yang satu, kami bertahan dan tetap melangkah maju. Terjang kami dengan angin dan badai sekencang apapun, kami tidak akan pernah berhenti berusaha mencapai tujuan kami untuk mengembangkan dan mengharumkan organisasi ini, tempat kami bertemu, tempat kami belajar, tempat kami bercita-cita. Coba robohkan kami, coba tebang kami, segala ujian dan usaha menjatuhkan itu hanya semakin menguatkan kami untuk bersatu. 

"Maxi will stand strong for one of the longest period in PSM..."

Kata-kata dari senior yang waktu itu belum kami benar-benar ambil serius ternyata terbukti sekarang, dan bukan karena merasa spesial atau sombong, tapi pada kenyataannya, kecintaan kami pada PSM sepertinya sudah mendarah daging dibanding kebanyakan lainnya, ditambah adanya sebuah mimpi yang kami ingin wujudkan bersama. Saat kepengurusan ini berakhir, entah apakah saya akan kembali naik di Artistik atau tidak, saya akan tetap kembali pulang ke PSM, rumah kedua saya. Sebagai pengurus atau sekedar anggota, PSM sudah menjadi salah satu sumber kehidupan bagi saya. Sampai bertemu di akhir Mei dan semoga berhasil untuk para pengurus baru. Tantangan baru di depan kalian, jangan pernah menyerah.

Sunday, May 4, 2014


It took exactly 4 years for me to be completely move on from one of the most heartbroken events in my life. Life goes on, of course. I will continue doing what I have to do, but my feeling is stuck in yesterday and I don't have enough strength to let go. I prayed for strength, I cried for emptiness, the only thing I can do is enjoying my solitude and sadness at night. I don't want to lose a good friend. Is it okay for you to lose me? Now, my brain seems to be smarter than it used to be. It remembers every little detail of the moments we spent together. Every place and thing seems to have a trace of our journey, and I always have a little broken heart everytime. I knew it might be not the right time and I will eventually forget, but for now, being forced to pretend as if nothing ever happened feels like stabbing my heart with a sharp knife over and over again. I have to bear its wound, and I have to bear it alone.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014


I felt my feet and my heart trembling at such unexpected moments these days. I don't know how or why. I went to the Doctor to check my health and he said, I'm having too much stress for a 21 years old woman. If I can't manage it well, I would definately need to consume medicines to calm me down whenever these trembling attacks.

Deep down, I know I shouldn't think too much about this matter. I know I should go to a therapy to deal with my past experience which still hauting me until now. I know I have lots of works to do and I know I must be responsible in every tasks that's given to me. I know my heart is not in it anymore. I know people won't understand and I should never ask for their understanding. I know it very well.

I just really wish I could take a break, especially from that one activity that requires me to come all the way from my home. Not that I don't enjoy it anymore... but now, it's getting harder for me to like it the way I used to. The people, the feeling, the emotion, I keep pretending. It's easy for them to keep saying that we must do our best, but what can you do when your good isn't good enough? What can you do when you have lower emotional strength compared to others?

You know you can force yourself to be strong, but if you have some emotional issue like me, maybe what can you do is pretending, or pushing yourself to the limit. You have this fear that you don't want to disappoint anyone yet you know you can't do this anymore. Your fear and your insecurity is getting bigger and you don't know how to handle it. I just need a break, 'cause I can't take the saying, "if everyone else can do that, why can't you?" HECK! We're different people with different strength and problems. All I need is a little time to fix myself yet I can't get that.

Life sucks so far and I have to pretend like it's not.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

About Feelings

You probably mad and felt like the most miserable person yesterday
You can be the most optimistic person tomorrow
Everyone has those good and bad days, it's a circle of life
One day you can be so wise and positive about everything
The other day, all you see is darkness and you feel like dying
It's normal. It's human.
But today, I just feel calm and relax
Today, I feel loved and I love you
The simple thing can erase the storm I see inside
Thanks to you

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Am I Going Mad?

Maybe... Just maybe... I do need a professional help. I mean, when I get angry, sad, or feeling anxious, I'd harm myself by hitting the walls with my fist, or hit my face, because I realized that the more I feel pain in my body, the less heartache I feel inside.

That isn't healthy, is it?

But no, I never tried to cut myself, just once got an idea but I still have my logic with me. And I don't harm myself often, but it's getting a bit more often than it used to be nowadays. I don't know is it because I'm getting more and more insecure or because my problem is getting bigger, or maybe it's just me getting weaker.

I can't talk to anyone, even my closest friends. I no longer have people I can truly be honest with. I still care with my bestfriends and I swear I will always be a good listener for them, but the problem is, I can't do the same with them. I'm afraid that if they found out my problem or the way I handle my stress, they'd freaked out.

So, it's only me and myself and my Teddy Bear and you blog. Haha, I can't even tell you what really happen, all I can tell is I'm having trouble with myself and I don't know how to deal with it. I think I'm going mad. My insomnia is getting worse, my mind won't shut at night and I'm having the flashbacks of the most terrible things every night now.

Maybe I should really stay away from everything for now.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

About Happiness and A Friend

I finally have something to write in here again. 

Well, I have a bestfriend in Highschool named Dhanti. We were close, but we had to went separate ways. She went to Semarang because she got UNDIP and I stayed in Jakarta. Since then, we rarely met each other. Even in a year, we would only met once or twice, but it only lasted until my 4th or 5th semester. We became really busy. Let's say that we've got new companionship with new people, we've got new activities, we couldn't really find time to meet up anymore. But we still refer each other as bestfriends until now, though I'm not so sure if I'm still her bestfriend.

Today, I found out that three weeks ago, her boyfriend had passed away, and I just found out now. I didn't even knew she had a boyfriend. I think the distance has separate us even further than I thought and none of us made enough efforts to call each other. Small conversation on twitter doesn't count as real conversation in my opinion. 

Today, I'm crying for the fact that I wasn't there with her in her hardest moment. Losing a boyfriend, someone who is dear to you, and it's not a breakup, you're literally losing him, forever, because he's gone, he passed away. I can imagine how hurt it must be for her. It's like losing one of your important family members. And I just found out now, I'm feel like the dumbest person in the universe. I should have made more efforts to keep in touch with her. I'm feel like worst friend ever. I don't think I'm deserved the name called "friend".

But as much as I regretted it, it has passed. Lesson's learned: I still love her as my bestfriend and I always will, I shouldn't made distance as an excuse to stop communicating with people, especially to those who are very special to me. I should have never left them behind. And I promise I'll fix this, I'll cherish her and everyone who is special to me more than ever. 

They said you shouldn't depend your happiness on other people, but I think our happiness, no matter what, is put in other people's happiness too, in a good way. I mean, I get really sad when my precious people are sad, but when I see them happy, I become happy too. This does not meant to our closest people only, but when you do something to help others, somewhere in your heart will filled with joy. So, why don't we try to do that, start from our closest people?

We can't reverse the time, but we can create the better future, starting from now.

Friday, March 28, 2014

True Friend is...

Ever since I lost my cellphone (Blackberry), I lost contact with a lot of people including those who refer themselves as my good friends (and naively, I believed them). It makes me think, do I must have a Smartphone so people will keep in touch with me? Will they ever make an effort to contact me through something else other than cellphone? I am no longer using BBM / Whatsapp and or such social media applications because I haven't have a chance to buy a new phone yet. These days, people are so dependent to technology and especially the internet and social media. 

Actually, this shows who's the true friend is: 

Those who actually give a damn about me at least do something to keep in touch with me, like through twitter / dm / facebook / text messages and even come to my house. Well, if you really think that someone's existence is important, you will always find a way to stay in touch with them. Although only few people who actually make an effort to contact me, but I swear they are more than enough. I swear I'll treat them 2 times better than they already did to me. It's in my nature, you gave me one love, I'll return to you a hundred of love amd affections. Simply because I don't always have a good friend, so when I found one, I'll cherish them with all my heart~

Thursday, March 20, 2014


Adalah saat kita merasa Allah saja cukuplah sebagai pembalas kebaikan.

Tanpa perlu diungkapkan, Allah tahu mereka yang sungguh-sungguh.

Satu hal itu saja, maka kebahagiaan akan datang dengan sendirianya.

Karena apresiasi terbaik adalah dari Allah. Sesuatu yang tak bisa kita lihat
namun sudah pasti akan kita rasakan.

Semoga kita dianugerahi sifat ikhlas dalam melakukan apapun.
Lelah dan gundah biarlah Allah yang menyembuhkan.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Me Time

Today was the day that I think I need to cherish. No, there's no big things happened. In fact, I spent today all by myself but in quite odd way. First, in the morning, I went to Hospital with the Hero of my life to check up his health, then while he seen the Doctor, I went around the building alone and ended up in a baby room. It felt magical to see those newborn babies. :")

After that, I went to this certain place where there's one tree filled with unknown fruits. Dad said he had to pick those fruits for his friend. It's amazing how Dad is willing to do that much for the sake of his friend. I mean, the tree is quite high and I didn't even know that the fruits are exist and can be eaten, lol. The thing he always teach me is a real action. Do something real to make other people happy no matter how small it is, like picking some fruits for them or visit his place no matter how far it is. Friendship and relationship isn't about telling good words, but help them do something to make everything goes well.

So, after this very awesome quality talk with Dad, he asked me if I want to go somewhere; I said I need a place to be alone, maybe I need to go to college so I can enjoy some quality time in choir room. He said okay, and he dropped me there. He didn't ask or force me to go home with him. Seems like he understands that her daughter needs the time on her own. So, I went to choir room and there was nobody in it, unlike usual. Well, it's normal. It's Sunday, people are supposed to be home or somewhere else, not college, lol.

I've already prepared with laptop, headset, and jacket. I spent the rest of the day in choir room alone, all by myself, watching movie, karaoke, write some personal stuffs, and time flies before my eyes. The night came and I know I shouldn't stay any longer (it was quite scary actually, lol), but since I still didn't feel like going home, I decided to take a little detour with TransJakarta. It was refreshing, I don't know where I went, but I enjoyed watching the scenery along the road while my mind went anywhere. Surprisingly, I didn't feel lonely or sad. I just felt calm and peace. Before I realize, it's already 9 pm, so I decided to go home. 

This long detour and my alone time really made me think a lot and talk a lot to Him too. I came to many realization about my life, and suddenly I got this positive energy to get everything done perfectly. Maybe, every person needs to be alone sometimes, not because they're lonely, but because they need to reset feelings and hang out with themselves, lol.

Anyway, have a nice Sunday.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

The Most Painful Thing

The most painful thing is knowing that you're not worth it anymore.
The most painful thing is being erased from someone's life.
The most painful thing is keeping all the pains alone.
The most painful thing is losing your precious people.

Then, you don't know how to move on with your life. Life goes on. Your activity continues. You're still walking towards the future, but your heart stuck in the same place for uncertain time.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Hal yang Lebih Berharga dari Materi

Terkadang, kita terdorong untuk mengambil keputusan dalam kondisi hati terburuk kita.
Padahal, kita hanya perlu menunggu untuk lebih tenang untuk kembali ke kondisi yang baik dan mengambil keputusan yang lebih bijaksana

Terkadang, kita merasa tidak diterima di suatu tempat 
Padahal kita hanya lupa beradaptasi kembali.

Terkadang, kita lupa dengan suatu kenyaman akan kebersamaan karena sebuah absen yang panjang.
Padahal, persahabatan sejati tak terkikis oleh jarak ataupun waktu.

Terkadang, kita menilai teman kita sendiri adalah manusia terburuk di dunia hanya karena sebuah kesalahan sederhana.
Padahal, kita tau ia telah melakukan ribuan kebaikan lainnya, tapi terfokus pada keburukannya.

Terkadang, kita terlalu takut untuk memulai kembali karena merasa terintimidasi oleh rasa tidak percaya diri. 
Padahal, belum tentu orang-orang peduli dengan apa yang kita lakukan.
Semua itu hanyalah kendali dari musuh terbesar manusia: syaitan. Betapa senangnya ia melihat kita menderita, merana.

Pada kenyataannya, semua kenegatifan yang kita rasakan mengelilingi diri kita asal muasalnya ya dari diri kita sendiri. Terkadang kita membiarkan diri terlalu larut di dalamnya hingga merasa terbuai dan menikmati rasa sakit hati dan kesendirian itu, kemudian menyalahkan dunia atas penderitaan yang kita ciptakan sendiri. Padahal kita hanya lupa untuk melihat ke sisi yang lain dan membuka hati kita terhadap berbagai hal. Kita manusia biasa, satu-satunya senjata terhebat kita adalah doa; kita harus selalu memohon pertolongan agar senantiasa diingatkan oleh-Nya ketika kita lalai dan hati kita mulai lemah.

Mungkin kita membutuhkan orang lain untuk menjadi pengingat kita sebagai perantara pertolongan dari Yang Maha Kuasa. Yang bisa kita minta dari Allah bukan hanya rejeki, tetapi juga perlindungan hati dari berbagai kenegatifan. Bukan hanya materi, tapi jiwa yang senantiasa dilindungi dan dibangkitkan ketika terjatuh. Melebihi apapun di dunia, jiwa yang tenang dan kesadaran untuk selalu mengevaluasi diri adalah hal terbaik yang bisa dimiliki manusia. Semoga Allah senantiasa mengingatkan Saya dan kita semua, karena tanpa-Nya, saya timpang dan hilang arah. Semoga Allah senantiasa memberikan petunjuk dan mengembalikan saya ke jalan yang lurus dan membantu saya bangkit ketika saya mulai lelah dan menyerah.


Sunday, March 2, 2014

Being a Human

I keep blaming the bullying that I got when I was kid as the reason of me become such a mellow person. I think the truth is I'm just too afraid to open up and make peace with my life. I feel insecure and weak, yet I don't want to show it to everyone. People hate you when you're weak, so you have to be strong or at least pretend to be strong until you forget that you're pretending. People hate it when you become insecure, rather than sympathize you, they'd think that you don't deserve their attention, especially your emo side. Well, I really am trying to be a strong and independent person, but sometimes it's too exhausting to be strong. Sometimes you just need a place to rest your mind and heart, but even just a media to write down your feeling will be a place for people to judge you. I don't know, but I always need twitter/tumblr/blogspot to pour my stress out, but some people, and sadly, those whom I called friends, think that it's immature to be sad. Though I can control what I write, but for some people, an act of insecurity, no matter how small, is just a waste of time. 

Do I even have to apologize for being a human? For having feelings? For being tired sometimes? The all time preachment said we should never care to what others say because this is our lives anyway. I actually don't give a damn about it, but it's kinda hurtful when someone you expect would accept you the way you are, do the opposite. And that's why we should never expect anything from human.

Lesson's learned! :") We can't please other people and we don't live in this life to follow what others want us to do. We have the right to decide it ourselves. It's our freedom to spill our mind out, and the most important thing is to be someone that we feel most comfortable, without forgetting the value of being a human.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014


When the night comes, the loneliness that used to be a friend, now has become an enemy who put me in danger. The night brings memories. Memories are meant to be kept in our hearts, they said? But what if the memories can only cause a painful wound? We tried so hard to forget them, but deep inside, we know that those things are impossible to be forgotten. Deep down, we know, those memories are the most precious things we want to cherish, because that's the only thing we could have, no matter how much they hurt us, we refused to forget. Because we know, memories are the only things that's left for us to hold. Memories make us laugh because of the good things that happened, at the same time they make us cry because we can never go back to those good old days. And we questioned ourselves, will they ever come back to us? The precious things that we lost? Or are they gone forever? 

The future is uncertain, we can't figure out the answer now. Too afraid to put our hopes up, but deep down we know that we will never stop to pray and wish. The universe, please hear me. And if you can't grant my wish, please make me stronger. 

Memories. We know that memories can be our weakness, but at the same time, those good things that we once had are the things that make us stronger.

Monday, February 17, 2014

A Hardcore Lover

I can say that I'm a hardcore lover. When I love, I tend to do something crazy. Love in here does not only meant for boy, it stands for for something else too like love for parents, people, friends, organisation.... etc.

- I went to a distant island to see my crush when I was 18, and I made it as a trip. My biggest goal was, of course, only to see him. The all time quote "I will go to the other part of the world only for you..." actually works for me.

- I stayed in a room only to make sure that he's okay when a teacher made fun of him and embarrassed him in front of many students. I stayed only to make sure he's okay, and to make sure he's not alone, although I had to stay for hours...

- I bought a lot of cakes only to make sure that he would have a wonderful, precious birthday. 

- I almost broke my feet when my Dad got a severe stomachache and seemed like dying. I was so afraid that I ran out of my room to find a Doctor in the middle of the night, and ended up fell on stairs and broke my right feet. The fear of losing my Father scared the hell of me to the point that I would sacrifice anything just to save him.

- I spent my hours in a place where I feel I belong, although I know sometimes I spent too much time in it, time flies, as if I only spent an hour. Maybe because my happiness is in that place that I don't feel like sacrificing any of my time.

I sometimes overdo it, I feel the need to express love by doing something real, because I couldn't say love so easily. Heck! I can never say that magic word, but my body automatically do something to express it, sometimes it feels like I couldn't control it. I don't know why or how? Anyone could show me the way to control feelings? I'm afraid with my own overflowing emotion, it drives me crazy sometimes to the point that I can almost hurt myself. My friend said, put only 50% of your feeling to someone you like so you won't get hurt too much... but hey, do I have strength to control it? No matter what my brain said, my heart just don't follow the order. It has its own will and I have no power to control it. The only thing I can do is only trying to make myself as busy as possible to make me forget it little by little. But, magically, when I'm back with myself all alone again.. BAM! Those feelings are coming back to me as if they are never leave.

A little help?

Saturday, February 8, 2014

I Found Me!

So, have you ever try to google yourself? Today, I actually did it for the first time, and guess what I found: I found some embarrassing blogs that I made before this one.. the trace of my 'alay' moments.. lol. Oh well, everyone has those days. Tapi selain itu, gue juga menemukan Resensi novel Saat Aku Mengingat Tuhan yang gue tulis sekitar 4 tahun lalu untuk lomba mewakili sekolah. Gue nggak nyangka ternyata ada yang baca novel aneh itu, hahaha...

Resensi I:

Resensi II:

Resensi III:

It was kinda shocking to find my name in someone else's blog who refers me as a writer / author of a real book, hehehe. It's a good feeling actually, I never really think that someone would read my writing. Although those things aren't really big deal, but they are for me. The remind me of my dream, they remind me of how much I love writing and they made me feel like I actually have started something and I should continue doing it. I'm still writing until now, but I haven't try to write a novel again ever since. I guess it's time to start over, since the lowest point of life is actually the moments when you have a lot in minds, lol. Best way to release stress is put it in writing. Wish me luck! :D