Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Two Voices

There are two voices inside of my head. They argued everyday, telling me what's right and wrong. They criticized all of the things I've done. Lately, those voices sound even louder than they used to be. Whenever I'm not talking with someone, these voices will make conversations by themselves, most of the time, they never agreed with each other. This is not an imaginary friend, it is clearly just two voices. I'll give you a little example of how these voices talk to each other inside of my mind. They usually commented on everything that just happened to me.

Example: My Lecturer gave me a hard time in college and I was so depressed and have no idea how to deal with it.

Voice 1: Ugh, don't be a wimp. You know you deserved it!
Voice 2: Well, maybe that lecturer didn't have to be so harsh on her. What's wrong with giving a helping hand for their students?
Voice 1: What's wrong? He is not your parents nor your friends. He wouldn't care even if you kill yourself.
Voice 2: But he's a teacher... 
Voice 1: And you're an adult.
Voice 2: What?
Voice 1 : It means you have to be strong to endure any hardships, so maybe that's why he gave you that.
Voice 2: But she already has enough hardships without that lecturer had to be so rude and...
Voice 1: He wouldn't know and he wouldn't care! You're not his kid. He doesn't give a damn about your existence.
Voice 2: You're right, but it is his duty to help students...
Voice 1: Yeah right, no one cares about duty now, just bear with it or kill yourself...
Voice 2: No, dear, Denisa, don't worry. There will be a way...
Voice 1: There won't be. You should help yourself. This world isn't nice
Voice 2: But it doesn't mean you have to lose your kindness...
Voice 1: People need money, not kindness
Voice 2 : ....

And I would hit my head after that because these conversation in my head just seemed to have no end. I literally laughed in irony or cringed sometimes when I heard some of those opinions, tho, like... I'm feel like I'm getting insane. I don't know if it's healthy or not, or is it happen with others? Like you really listen to other voices, but at the same time, you know that you're not really a part of it, but those voices are within your head, so it means they're your own thoughts, but as the same time you know it isn't you, or it is too rude and bitchy (that voice 1 always talks like a senior who loves to bully other), or too kind, to be you. 

You know what I mean?

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Stressful Rants

Salam...

It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm still struggling with the same things even after all these years: SKRIPSI. Except that I'm making a little progress these days and actually working on it. I admired those who are able to focus on many things at the same times, even on the things they dislike, because I cannot do that. That's why most of the times, I have hard times dealing with things. For example, I seriously love choir and teaching, so I would put my full efforts when it comes to them. I don't even mind if I don't get paid since I always get the ultimate pleasure and happiness whenever I teach and do choir stuffs. But on the contrary, when it comes to the things I dislike, like my college, it's hard to bring myself to do it properly. You know, I took the wrong major and it makes me quite depressed even until now, but it's too late to regret. All I need to do is finish my final thesis and graduate to please my parents, and then I would be able to live freely, or so I thought.

I'm always feel like starting over from the very beginning. I kept thinking, what if I were born without musical talents? What if I were born with the obsession for science and maths instead? Would my life become easier? After all, most people will always acknowledge those who are brainy and especially gifted in science. I truly want to believe that everyone is different with their special gifts and talents. But if I get to choose, I would probably choose to be someone who has obsession with math or science. That way, I could aim to become a Doctor or Math teacher and society will need me more. 

It's such a naive and pathetic thoughts, I know. People will tell me that I can be whatever I want to be as long as I'm trying hard for it. So, why can't I understand Math or Science easily? My brain gets dizzy whenever I see them or try to learn them. Why can't it work normally like normal people? Does it have something to do with the fact that I was born premature? I felt so uneasy with the look from my teachers when they saw me unable to understand Math questions. I felt inferior from everyone's ability to understand things that I cannot understand. Maybe if I didn't have the ability to feel things too much, everything will become easier. But I'm the type of person who are too aware with my surroundings.

I wish I could stop feeling things too much, it's really disturbing. It's so disturbing to the point that I ended up ignoring everything. It's better if I don't get too close with people, or they will notice something is weird about me. It's better to keep everything to myself, rather than sharing it with people who will easily judge me. It's better to live this life without expecting much from others, because the disappointment will hurt me so much more than I could imagined when they failed to lift it up.

But even with all these thoughts, in the end, I realized that I cannot live alone. And I cannot ignore those who are dear to me no matter how bothersome it is. Can I just skip over this life please? 

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Kebahagiaan

Hidup yang seperti ini mungkin tidak apa-apa juga
Tak perlu pengakuan siapa-siapa
Bisa makan, bisa minum, bisa tertawa lepas
Memilih untuk menjadi apa adanya
Kalau sedang malas, ya tidur saja 
Kalau sedang rajin, ya bereskan semua yang berantakan
Meski tak punya teman banyak
Asal kita perduli dengan sungguh-sungguh
Maka itu akan jadi harta yang berharga
Meski tak meraih cita-cita, paling tidak tak berhenti bermimpi
Jangan ada penyesalan
Hidup hanya sekali, maka teruslah maju
Kesalahan yang telah berlalu, perbaikilah
Jangan dijadikan rantai yang mengikat kita pada masa lalu
Cinta yang tak terbalaskan... Lepaskanlah
Dunia yang luas ini akan menawarkanmu yang baru
Dan seberat apapun kesakitan dan kesedihan
Simpanlah sendiri, jangan membebani orang lain

Di dalam hidup ini, kebahagiaan diraih bukan dari harta
Jika kita bisa meminta maaf dengan tulus setelah melakukan kesalahan
Itulah kebahagiaan
Jika kita bisa memaafkan setelah tersakiti
Itulah kebahagiaan
Jika kita bisa mementingkan kebahagiaan orang lain di atas kebahagiaan kita
Itulah kebahagiaan

Bukan tentang aku, tapi kamu
Bukan tentang kita, tapi mereka
Bukan tentang sendiri, tapi bersama
Jika kamu bahagia maka sebisa mungkin
Aku pun akan bahagia

Thursday, September 29, 2016

3/14 no Tokei by Ryosuke Yamada & Keito Okamoto (Lyrics and Translation)


I'm currently so addicted to Hey!Say!JUMP's 3/14 no Tokei, written by Ryosuke Yamada with Keito Okamoto as guitar. This song is simply beautiful and once you listen to it, you just want to repeat it over and over again. Ryosuke sings it beautifully and I just simply love the guitar arrangement. Definitely one of the best Ballad songs they ever have~ I could listen to it all day and never get bored. Help me~ 

Kajikamute sode kara 
Hands that grew numb under those sleeves
Nozokase nagara
As I took a glance at them
Ano hi kureta yuki mo tokeru
I remembered what you gave on that day, covered with melting snow
Kurai amai chokoreeto
The sweet chocolate

Mado no soto nozoku to
When I peeked through the window
Tsubomi ga mou mebuite
The buds are starting to bloom
Mou soro soro purezento
It’s about time for a present
Mitsuke ni ikanakyane
I'll search for one

Saisho ni watashita pasuteru karaa no
A pastel coloured watch I gave on 3/14
Tokei kyasha na ude ni tsuiteru
It hangs on your slender wrist
Mou kidzuiteru? Tokei no ura ni kakushita
Have you found it? Hidden at the back of that watch
Kimi he no messeeji
The message for you

Let's spend the time together forever
Bokura no ai ga kono moji no youni Jikan wo kizandeku
Like these letters, let's engraved our love in time
Yukkuri to futari no byoushin ga
Slowly, as our hands
Yorisoi ai nagara Ai wo kizande yuku
Nestle close to each other, we carve our love
Ano hi chikatta hanasanaitte
That day we vowed to never let go of each other
Rainen no kono hi mo isshoni iyou yo
Next year, on this very same day, let's be together

Otagai betsu no michi arukou to shita kedo
Though we decided to walk on different paths
Itsudatte mata kimi dake wo kangaechaun dayo
I always end up thinking of you

Kisetsu ga megutte otona ni naru hodo
Seasons change long enough for us to grow old
Horo nigai ai ni natteku no kana
Will this become a bittersweet love?
Tokei no hari ga susundeku tabi
As the hands of the clock start to move
Kimi he no omoi mo tsuyoku naru
My feelings for you just grow stronger

Kawaranai kara bokura itsumademo
I will not change, so
Onaji kono keshiki wo kono mama miteiyou
Let’s look at the same scenery forever
Nichijou no atari mae no one scene
The usual scenes I see everyday
Kimi to iru dakede hora Konna ni mo kagayaku
When I'm with you, hey they shine brighter
Ano hi umareta Futari dake no
Let our love that born on that day
Ai wo itsumademo oh
continue forever

Bukiyou ni kawashita saisho no kisu ga
Through the clumsy first kiss we exchanged
Hanarenaitte yakusoku datta
We promised to never let go of each other
Namida no aji de nandaka atatakakute
The taste of the tears is somehow warm
Bokura mata nandomo Yorisoikasaneatta
Over and over again As we cuddled closer

Let's spend the time together forever
Bokura no ai ga kono moji no youni Jikan wo kizandeku
Like these letters, let's engraved our love in time
Yukkuri to futari no byoushin ga
Slowly, as our hands
Yorisoi ai nagara Ai wo kizande yuku
Nestle close to each other, we carve our love
Ano hi chikatta hanasanaitte
That day we vowed to never let go of each other
Rainen no kono hi mo isshoni iyou yo
Next year, on this very same day, let's be together

Zutto...
Always...

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Pink & Gray (J-Movie)


As soon as I came back to Hey!Say!JUMP fandom, I found that Yuto Nakajima has stepped further into the acting world. He is one of my favorite actors in JUMP and what makes me even happier is the fact that his debut in the big screen as the lead role is this movie: PINK & GRAY, a movie adaption from Shigeaki Kato's novel. If you're a fan of Johnny's Entertainment, you sure know that this novel was Shige's debut in literary work, the first Johnny talent to debut as writer to be exact. I even congratulated him on my post. But I left the fandom after that and completely lost with everything. I love JUMP and NEWS, so it's impossible to skip this movie since it's the combination work of my two favorite fandom. Hmm, this preface is already longer than I plan.

It is hard not to write some spoilers because half of the movie actually contain secrets and plot twist which important for my review. I don't want people who's going to watch it for the first time lose that surprised feeling from the plot twist either. Unless you're already read the novel.

This movie is split into two colors, which represent the past and present. The one with colors (Pink) is the past, and the one in black and white (Gray) is present. It was confusing at first but it kept you curious to watch it 'til you understand what's really going on. 

PINK - Past
The movie begins with Rengo Shiraki, a famous actor, preparing to commit suicide, but he leaves 6 wills letters for his childhood bestfriend, Daiki Kawata / Riva-chan before he died. It was already too late when Daiki came and tried to release him from the tightropes. Daiki had to choose one of the wills from Rengo. Daiki's fate seemed to hinge on this choice, to some extent it does, and doesn't. Rengo had an older sister who committed suicide during her Ballet performance in front of Rengo's eyes. Whether this influenced Rengo's decision to do the same thing later or not will be answered later at the end of the movie.

Daiki and Rengo's friendship began when Daiki moved to the same apartment and became Rengo's neighbor. And together with a neighborhood girl named Sally (Kaho), the trio became the best of friends who survived turbulent years of adolescence. Rengo excels at arts and looks, and popular among ladies. Daiki felt both admiration and envy towards him, especially when Daiki found himself attracted to Sally, but the girl seemed to show more affection to Rengo. One day, the two boys scouted by a model agency and started working as extras. Then Rengo made the leap to acting and soon after, stardom, while the less-confident and, less-talented Daiki stews in the apartment they share. 

Rengo aware of Daiki's insecurities, tried to help him get more jobs as extras on his dramas or movies, but Daiki was never able to give good performance because he felt pressured with Rengo's presence at the scene. Desperate and enraged, Daiki overlook Rengo's help and said he didn't want to stay with the current Rengo. Rengo didn't argue and just left the apartment without any words, while Daiki poured his anxieties and feelings to Sally. They both had never seen Rengo again for the next three years.

Three years later
The two bestfriends reunited at Highschool class reunion. Daiki hesitated to greet his ex-bestfriend who has become a big star and gained so much attention at the reunion, but Rengo approached him, and at that very same night, they were back to become bestfriends, as if all of the dramas and fights few years ago never happened. That night, while the two of them drunk and reminiscing the good old days, Rengo promised Daiki that he would exchange place with him the next day. Daiki didn't understand Rengo's words since he's drunk and forgot about it right away. The next day, Rengo asked Daiki to visit his apartment at night. Daiki was too happy for finally reconciled with Rengo. He came to Rengo's apartment that night to have some fun talk and drink just as Rengo asked him before, only to find out that Rengo has committed suicide and left him with 6 wills letters....

GRAY - Present
After Rengo's death, Daiki wrote a biography novel about him, just like what Rengo wish in one of his wills that Daiki choose. This biography novel about Rengo Shiroki has gained Daiki the popularity that he's always wanted. The novel is adapted into the movie and Daiki was asked to portray one of the three leading roles. While watching his and Rengo's story through the big screen, Daiki realized that there was something that Rengo hides from him. Why did Rengo commit suicide? Why did he leave such troublesome suicide notes? Daiki who's just got into the showbiz world also learned that everything around him is more complicated and everyone wears a mask. 

Being a star isn't always mean happiness. How did Rengo feel during all those years in showbiz world? How did he feel about the friendship between them? Daiki realized that he doesn't understand Rengo at all, despite of the fact that they were bestfriends since childhood, Rengo never told him what's on his mind. Struggling to come to terms with Rengo’s suicide as well as with fame he can’t really call his own, Daiki sets out to discover the truth behind his friend’s death. Daiki learned that human is such a complex creature. No one really knows about anyone else except themselves.


This movie is surprisingly heavy and confusing when I first watched it, but it kept me curious. I cried a lot too, maybe the image of Yuto secretly hides something that makes him suffer actually hurt me a little. I'm feel like I can relate to both Rengo and Daiki's pain to some extent, but at the same time, there are moments when I don't understand him at all. Japan is really in different level when it comes to thriller, suspense, psychological genre. I was speechless when the movie ended. I'm also amazed by Shige as the writer of this story.

By the way, as Hey!Say!JUMP fan who are so used to see Yuto's innocent, dorky image, this movie has totally changed my perspective towards him. I always know that Yuto is a great actor but I just never expect that the day will come when he's finally taking these kind of roles and play some hardcore scenes, LOL. But he's undoubtedly and arguably great in portraying these roles and it made me respect him more now. I'm glad that this movie is his first film.

PS: All of the gifs were taken from tumblr and google. Feel free to message me if you want to be credited or want me to take it down. Jaa :)

Friday, September 9, 2016

Itazura na Kiss - Love in Tokyo 2 (Jdrama)


It's been a while....
So, I decided that I will be writing about Japan stuffs again from now, be it Jdrama reviews or just my fangirling over Hey!Say!JUMP, because guess what? I'm back to the fandom after 3 years of hiatus and I've never felt so alive before, LOL. Just kidding. I just find them as one of my important source of happiness and I'm glad that I could write about them again instead of my anxieties. So, without further ado, I will start from Itazura na Kiss - Love in Tokyo 2 review. Here we go~

The story
Following the success of ItaKiss - Love in Tokyo, they continue the series to season 2 which tells about the marriage life of Naoki Irie (Yuki Furukawa) and Kotoko Irie (Miki Honoka), which really is a good thing for us who have been longing to see more romantic side of Naoki as husband, lol. 


This season, Naoki also transferred to Medical Major of Tonan University to pursue his dream of becoming a doctor. Although Naoki and Kotoko have finally married, Naoki's quiet and cold behavior doesn't change much, especially during the first few months of their marriage which gives Kotoko anxiety and questioned herself a lot if Naoki really loves her or not. Naoki didn't even register their marriage to the ward office because he wanted to make sure that he make his father's company succeed before he left it to pursue his medical major. He didn't tell Kotoko what's on his mind which made Kotoko sad and they fought quite terribly. Later, Naoki realized that he needs to put Kotoko's feelings first, and Kotoko learns to believe in Naoki more even when he doesn't tell him anything, she needs to believe that Naoki will not deceive her.


The main story is pretty much the same with other adaption. This season, Kotoko also decided to transfer to Medical Major to be a nurse in order to be helpful for Naoki, and be closer with Naoki. Kotoko met a new group of friends who become her team to finish every medical task. These new friends have quite absurd personalities, but they will become her good friends for the entire series. I was kinda annoyed at first to see her do this only for Naoki, it feels like her resolve and life only revolves around Naoki, but Kotoko learns that being a nurse and working in medical field is not as simple as that and there are so many responsibilities she has to bear. Kotoko will also learn the importance of human's life, the role of doctor and nurse, and more importantly, she learns to love her job wholeheartedly and not only because of Naoki.

One of Kotoko's friends in the group is Keita Kamogari (Arata Horii), a very handsome and casual guy who are passionate about his dream of becoming a nurse. Keita is a considerate person and he loves to take care of people. He was annoyed at Kotoko's clumsiness at first but later he grows respect to her perseverance and he becomes concern about her when Naoki was being mean and seemed to never care about Kotoko. Keita thought that he would be a better match for Kotoko because he will never make Kotoko sad the way Naoki does. 

A Genius and Jealousy
Keita told Naoki that as a husband, Naoki did a poor job in taking care of Kotoko. Although Kotoko has told Keita that Naoki never spoiled her and always push her to the limit, Keita still strongly disliked Naoki. Naoki who has noticed Keita's different concern and behavior towards Kotoko felt something he never felt before: jealousy. Naoki who doesn't understand this unpleasant feelings took it upon Kotoko and becomes so cold towards her. He even told Kotoko to go home with Keita which made Kotoko angry and once again questioned Naoki if he loves her or is it only her who loves him all this time. The question was left unanswered. Naoki himself doesn't understand why he acted that way towards Kotoko, but later when he consulted with Kinnosuke Ikezawa (Yuki Yamada), he learns that the unpleasant feelings he felt in his heart is only a jealousy. Naoki was surprised by Kinnosuke's answer and realized that he was really being jealous. At the same time, he admired Kinnosuke for being really strong in enduring such troublesome emotions for six years.

Doctor and Nurse
As husband and wife who work in medical field, the couple faced so many problems, from Kotoko who were being bullied by her jealous seniors because she is a wife of the famous Naoki Irie, having random patients who have a crush on Naoki and treated Kotoko as enemy, and being forced to live separately from Naoki who had to work at Kobe's hospital for few years. Kotoko learns not to be selfish. With all her clumsiness, she never gives up to be a proper nurse and be accepted by her fellow nurse and patients. Although she makes a lot of mistakes, she realized that she grows more love towards her job and cared a lot about the well-being of her patients, not only their body health but their heart as well. The fact that Naoki is going to be a doctor makes Kotoko loves her profession even more. Kotoko doesn't even remember that the one who made Naoki wanted to be a doctor was Kotoko, which I find really sweet.

Naoki's Character Development
The cold-hearted, annoying, expressionless Naoki we saw in Season 1 is slowly disappear in season 2, although he never once lose his cool, sassy nature. As he learns to be a proper doctor, Naoki not only able to master the medical knowledge. Naoki also learns to connect with people around him and appreciate them. Naoki becomes friends with Kinchan is one of many proofs that he no longer value people based of their academic grades only, Naoki also doesn't seem bothered by Kotoko's big family who are filled with loud, clumsy, and stupid people, even when Kotoko was embarassed by their behavior. Naoki shows great respect and treat them nicely. The old Naoki would never do such things to such people.

After all the jealousy things that Naoki and Kotoko faced before, Naoki also learns to be more understanding of Kotoko's feelings and make sure that she would never question his love for her. No matter how many times Kotoko felt insecure about her own worth, Naoki never tired to show her that she is the only one for her. The scene when Naoki came to visit Kotoko's mother's tomb put me in tears. He loves Kotoko so much and he really cared about everything about her. This Naoki gives such warm feeling to people around him.

Kinnosuke's Happy Ending
We saw how much Kin-chan suffered in season one because of his unrequited love for Kotoko. We saw how much efforts he put to make Kotoko happy even when it's breaking his own heart. In this season, we finally get to see Kinnosuke gets his own happiness. Christine Robbins (Noemie Nakai) is a beautiful girl from England who came as exchange student at Tonan University and became Kotoko's friend, she and Kotoko later visited Aihara Restaurant and met Kinnosuke. Chris fell in love with Kinnosuke at first sight and has been approaching him ever since. But since Kinnosuke still has feelings for Kotoko, he ignored her and tells her a lot of mean things. Kinnosuke doesn't realized that he started develops feelings for her and when Chris finally decided to give up and leave Japan, Kinnosuke chase after her. Although Kinnosuke still didn't admit that he likes her, his effort was enough to make Chris wanted to stay in Japan longer. They later work together at Aihara and Tonan's canteen and getting closer and closer. Chris's cheerful personality matched Kinnosuke's and after they overcame so many obstacles, they got married and declared that they will be the best couple that rival Kotoko and Naoki. It was beautiful to see Kin-chan gets his happy ending and find someone who loves him wholeheartedly and he loves her as well. It was clear why he was never meant to be with Kotoko. Because the one who is capable to love him fully and unconditionally is Chris and vice versa.

History Repeats Itself
Yuki Irie, Naoki's little brother, found himself in the same circumstances as his brother. Konomi Sagawa, an innocent girl from class F has a crush on him and wanted to be his friend, but she was afraid to ask him because she was not confident with herself for being in class F. With Kotoko's help, Yuki noticed Konomi's existence but rejected her straight away, saying that he hates stupid woman. Kotoko encouraged Konomi to work hard so she would be in Top 100 at school exam to make Yuki impressed. Kotoko offered to teach her at home which allowed her to see Yuki. Although Kotoko promised that she would teach her, she was unable to do that because Kotoko doesn't really like studying. Naoki who saw all these decided to teach Konomi and found that she is faster at understanding things compared to Kotoko before. When Naoki continue to teach her, Yuki gets mad at her for disturbing his brother and making troubles at his home. Yuki promised that he will be the one who teach her and get her into Top 100. The two developed closer friendship which continue until years later. It's just a matter of time until Yuki finally admits that he has fallen for Konomi. Although Konomi appeared to be stupid at first, she's actually smarter than Kotoko and she could learn something faster, and her character isn't so loud and annoying either. The annoying part might have be filled with Yuki's character since he's such a naughty brat ever since he's a kid, lol.

Overall, this version was really enjoyable and made me squealed a lot because of the overload cuteness in it. I also love all the hospital scenes and it's really inspiring to see Naoki and Kotoko work as Doctor and Nurse. A lot of people want to have season 3 but I'm satisfied with the ending the way it was. I don't want to see any feud between Kotoko and her daughter fighting over Naoki's attention like in the anime. So, this ending where Kotoko and Naoki replaced the words "I Love You" with "Nothing" is already more than enough. They no longer need words to understand each other.


PS: All of the gifs were taken from tumblr and google. Feel free to message me if you want to be credited or wants me to take it down. Jaa :)

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Rencana Allah Lebih Baik

Bu Zubaidah
Dokter Barkah dan Dokter Evy, sepasang suami isteri yang menjabat sebagai dokter ini rencananya ingin menikmati liburan sambil Umroh tanpa harus dibebani oleh pekerjaan-pekerjaan mereka. Tapi, Allah punya rencana lain. Kemampuan mereka sebagai Dokter tidak dibiarkan sia-sia di perjalanan umroh ini. Dari awal perjalanan di dalam pesawat, awak pesawat sudah meminta tolong pada para Dokter ini untuk membantu penumpang yang sakit, kemudian di perjalanan umroh, Bu Zubaidah yang memiliki penyakit asthma dan sering kambuh pun mendapat penanganan dari pasangan dokter ini dengan baik. Anggota travel yang lain juga akhirnya mendapat perawatan yang baik dari kedua pasangan Dokter ini saat mereka sakit. Bahkan hingga perjalanan pulang di pesawat pun, saat ada seorang penumpang kapal yang terkena penyakit cacar, kembali lagi kedua dokter ini dimintai tolong untuk memberikan penanganan darurat. Rencana Allah memang lebih indah dari rencana manusia. Pasangan Dokter ini bisa menjalankan ibadah secara double, tetap bermanfaat bagi orang lain, meski tidak bisa sepenuhnya liburan, tapi bayangkan berapa banyak pahala yang mereka dapatkan karena pertolongan yang mereka berikan untuk orang-orang yang sakit selama perjalanan umroh ini. Masha Allah :")
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